By C.A. McClintock, GED
We all know that eating out less and riding your bike to work save money. Here are some tips you might not have heard to really take your saving up a notch.
- Explore alternative energy sources. I have a well-hidden extension cord running from an outlet in my neighbor’s backyard that powers most of my house. I also bring a bag of car batteries to work and charge them with an outlet under my desk. At night I just bring the bag home and power half my house on the company dime.
- Don’t pay for garbage pickup. Why pay someone to haul away your trash when there are literally millions of unattended dumpsters all over America? PRO TIP: Many businesses, especially restaurants, will have a dumpster out back, but they tend to keep a pretty close eye on them. Apartment buildings, on the other hand, do not.
- Sell your urine to druggies. Every year, millions of decent, law-abidingish citizens are forced to submit their bodily fluids to their employer and/or parole officer to ensure they’re only getting high off stuff that doesn’t interfere with productivity too much. Why not do your part to help bring down the unemployment rate and alleviate prison overcrowding?
- Keep old soda cups from fast food places. The promise of free refills has no expiration date. While it will require an initial outlay, you can drink free sodas for life if you really stick with it.
- Harvest ripe corn from large, unmonitored fields. If you live near large swaths of cornfields you can take a few ears and nobody will notice. Contrary to popular belief, farmers actually want people to do this. Like pruning a tree or thinning a herd, it removes excess foliage from the plant and allows what remains to grow larger and more robust. I think it prevents forest fires, too.
- Put your kids up for adoption. Kids are expensive. In fact, they will likely be the single most expensive bill you ever get stuck with. A child born in 2013 is estimated to cost $245,000 to raise until the age of 18. Sure, it was a fun experiment to see what a little version of you might look like, but why not let someone else raise ‘em now?
- Hunt wild animals. Take a tip from the Nooge and only eat what you kill. Just because you don’t live out in the country doesn’t mean you can’t hunt and fish, too. Pretty much every mammal and bird on Earth is edible, not just the “traditional” animals like deer and bass that Field and Stream is always pushing. Experiment and find out what you like. My shoplifting friend supplemented his grocery runs with pigeons, squirrels and koi, all taken in the heart of Manhattan. PRO TIP: Nicer hotels typically have a well-stocked fish pond.
- Make your own pornography. Porn is hot. No doubt about it. But obtaining high quality pornographs can take a big, hot load from your wallet. While the internet provides a plethora of free pornography options, most are of unfortunate quality at best. Why not make your own by videotaping your neighbors? You know who also looks like the girl next door? The girl next door. PROTIP: Install hidden cameras throughout your place and then rent it out on Airbnb.
- Unleash Your Shoplifting Potential. Not paying for things can be a real money-saver. In today’s modern world with our modern values and tablet computers, who’s to say what’s “right” or “wrong.” Aren’t they just words made up by dictionary people? Shoplifting is what legal scholars call a “victimless crime,” I think because the victim will have less afterwards. In any case, corporations are kind of stealing from you with their outrageous profit margins, company jets, employee picnics and whatnot. You’re just evening the score. I had a friend whose food budget was zero dollars thanks in part to the five finger discount. He wasn’t particularly smart or talented. In fact, I don’t think he even graduated high school. You too can be that friend!
- Have fewer friends. Friends are a waste of money. They always want you to go do stuff, typically stuff that costs money. God help you if they want you to be in their wedding. Like the push towards minimalism in housing with micro-houses or minimalism in transportation with the Smartcars, you should strive to cut the fat and live in a world of micro-friendship. We keep trying to fill up the void inside ourselves with more and more friends, but are they really making us any happier? Maybe the person you really need to become friends with is you. Think about it.
- Stop mowing your lawn. Mowing your lawn is a big enough waste of money if you do it yourself, let alone if you pay someone else to. Who cares? Seriously. There’s a direct correlation between how meaningless and boring a person’s life is and how obsessed they become with their lawn. Don’t be one of those assholes. Why not let the beauty of nature shine through? If you have a pesky homeowner’s association bugging you about it just kill the grass and spray paint it green.
- Foresake your religion. Quitting with this 10% bullshit could put thousands per year back in your pocket. Not to mention all the bake sales and the gas you burn driving to and from church.
- Help yourself to some money from the collection basket at church. Works particularly well if you’ve already taken the tip to forsake your religion. While I’m generally against going to church, there’s no better place on Sundays for grabbing a quick buck when you’re in need of cash. Most churchgoers are under the delusion that churchgoers are honest and don’t keep a close eye on money going in and out of the basket. Taking money from the basket is also more efficient than the traditional method of disbursing the funds. When people give to the basket, the church receives the money, takes their cut and then gives it to needy. Why not cut out the middle man? You’re needy. You have to be pretty needy if you’re taking money from a collection basket, don’t you?
- Siphon gas. Stealing gas from stations is risky if not impossible now that they all make you prepay. But you know who doesn’t have security cameras? Your neighbor. Taking gas from other people’s cars isn’t stealing if you also use it in a car. It’s part of the 5th Amendment right against self insemination.
- Put your kids to work. If you don’t have the stones to put ‘em up for adoption, at least try to mitigate their expenses. Of course you’re not saving for their college education like a sucker, but there are dozens of less obvious ways to cut the kid bill. A big one is putting them to productive labor. For example, if you own a farm, sending them to the fields is a timeless classic of child labor. Might I also suggest teaching them sewing or some sort of handicraft and then selling that shit on the internet? It’ll be like your own personal sweat shop, right there in your living room.
- Don’t vote. Waste of gas and time. Democracy is a sham elites had to make up when people started realizing that the divine right of kings was bullshit. Don’t give them the satisfaction of thinking you care.
- Sneak into the movies. It’s not stealing if the movie isn’t any good. My official rule is that I don’t have to pay for anything that isn’t “Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes.
- Don’t shave. Razors are one of the biggest scams out there. $15 for a four pack of replacement blades? No thanks. Grow a beard. If you’re a woman wear pants or declare yourself a hippie. Either way you’ll have a thick, bushy tangle of new savings.
- Take school supplies from the office supply cabinet at work. While I recommend against accepting responsibility for your mistakes, if you must have them, you better not be paying a dime for their school supplies. Millions of Americans raid their employer’s office supply cabinet every year. Seriously, at my job they had to start locking it up come August.
- Finish everything with a round number. It’s a proven scientific fact that people like round numbers. Add some filler at the end of a list to get to a round number if necessary.