While the craft beer “movement” is generally a positive thing that has blessed humanity with yet another delicious, drug-laced beverage to take way too seriously, it also has a dark side. Craft beer possesses an unseemly underbelly rife with culinary crimes against nature which lay bare humanity’s inexhaustible capacity for taking things too far. Submitted for your moral outrage, six ungodly craft brews that should not be.
- Poop Beer
Have you ever been at the zoo listening to the sickening thud of pound after pound of mushy brown elephant feces as it plops to the cement floor and thought, “I wish they made a beer out of that stuff?” If so, you’re in luck. By now I’m sure everyone has heard of the cocaine-expensive coffee beans made from the droppings of a weasel-like creature called the civet cat. What you may not be aware of is that this violation of the Geneva Convention’s culinary articles is also committed with elephant poop. Better yet, both of them are available as an ingredient in beer. For those hankerin’ for some weasel poop why not try the Imperial Oatmeal Stout produced by the Danish brewer Mikkeller, which I’m pretty sure is Danish for “pass the antibiotics.” Or, for the elephant lover, there’s Un Kono Kuro, which I actually know is a play on the Japanese word for “crap.” I guess in theory you could also buy one of each and combine them into a sort of black & brown, but I think that might destroy the space time continuum. People claim these beers are actually quite tasty, but then again, all the reviews I’ve read are coming from people willing to drink poop beer in the first place. I recommend sticking to Natty Ice, which has the same smooth poop flavor without actually having to contain poop.
- Tobacco Beer
If you’ve ever smelled bong water actually used for tobacco, then you know how crazy the mere thought making any sort of tobacco beverage is. Nevertheless, beer and cigarettes go together undeniably well. Like coffee and cigarettes or cigarettes and more cigarettes. At least until you have one too many and you’re huddled over your toilet puking like you have two stomachs. Anyways, brewing beer has been around since ancient Mesopotamians stumbled into the Fertile Crescent, and I for one cannot believe it took humanity this long to come up with the idea of combining the two into one unified crime against nature. In any case, it’s finally happened, and you can thank an Italian Brewer called Birra del Borgo for making KeTo Reporter.
- Hello Kitty Beer
For those of you old enough to remember, back before the anti-smoking brigade invented lung cancer there used to be something called candy cigarettes. They were essentially toy cigarettes for kids that looked like the real thing and even let you blow a little puff of sugar out the end for that genuine smoking experience. Sad story short, they were long ago driven out of stores or outright banned in most countries long ago, so today kids who want to look cool and dangerous have to resort to air smoking on a chilly day or sucking on a chewed-down carrot like it’s a fine cigar. Well, it looks like Hello Kitty, the iconic Japanese company that makes toys and school supplies for little girls and creepy middle-aged men, is trying to bring back the kid-centric adult products market with a delicious new line of beers. While they contain alcohol and aren’t ostensibly made for kids, their colorful packaging and fruity flavors would seem to suggest otherwise. One satisfied customer says it “tastes like Fanta with a beer aftertaste.”
- Oyster Beer
Oysters are one of those foods that you either love or hate. But whether you love or hate them I think everyone can agree that making an oyster-flavored beer is a terrible idea. Everyone that is, except the Porter House Brew Company. Their Oyster Stout has the rare distinction of being one of the few beers “not suitable for vegetarians.” The website claims this abomination is becoming one of Porter House’s most popular beers. My guess is people need something to induce vomiting at the end of a long night of drinking in order lessen the hangover they’re going to have the next day. Too bad they don’t make another beer for the shame.
- More Testicles Means More Iron
In case traditional oysters weren’t enough to turn you off, there also exists a fine brew from Wynkoop brewery made of rocky mountain oysters, the creature scientifically referred to as bull testicles. Dubbed the “ballsiest” beer in the world, this heavy hanging ale is also the most pun-prone beer on the planet, and one I fear may be pushing humanity towards a critical mass of pun-usage. Each batch is made with 25 freshly sliced and roasted bull testicles, which, brags the brewer, amounts to “3 BPB” or “balls per barrel,” a metric no doubt destined to be printed on every beer label in America within the decade.
- Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer
Another entry from the “these things go together well so why not just combine them” set, Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer is exactly what it sounds like. They take a whole goddamn Margarita pizza and steep it in the brewpot like a tea bag.