So you’ve managed to bag a wealthy, careerist wife, squeezed a few kids out of her, and now she wants you to be a modern, stay-at-home dad. Great! You’re living the dream, buddy! Countless generations of men have yearned to have unemployment count as a respectable occupation, but until recently few had succeeded. Now that it’s possible, though, a problem remains: after millennia of oppressive male gender roles, you might find that you haven’t been raised with the skills necessary to become an effective homemaker. Well don’t you fret your pretty little head, doll. Just follow some of these ingenious tips and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a regular Martha Stewart’s husband.
IN THE KITCHEN
- Yard Trimmings Can Easily Be Passed Off as Exotic Lettuces
With all the crazy lettuce varieties you see in grocery stores nowadays, consumers are becoming increasingly unable to differentiate between commercially grown lettuces and random leaves. I mean does anyone besides hippies even know what the fuck mesclun lettuce is? Take advantage of this trend by serving yard trimmings and leaves at your next party, or even to your family for dinner. Just sweep the shit up into a bowl and pour a little Kraft Zesty Italian over it. The trick is particularly effective if you get some tree and flower leaves in there rather than just pure Kentucky Blue grass. Just make sure they’re non-toxic (Wikipedia can be a big help with this). What you want to call your magical lettuce mix is up to you. I typically say it’s a blend of Siberian Arugula and African Savanna Kale. The key is to make sure you add exotic locales to the name of an already trendy lettuce-type. People will just assume it’s some gourmet new breed they hadn’t heard of yet.
- Don’t Waste Good Blood
Ancient Mongolian horse archers used to use a survival technique whereby they would carefully make an incision in the shoulder of their horse, fill up a container with blood and then chug that blood. These hearty souls knew what many modern peoples seem to have forgotten: blood is a nutritious, energy rich food. My mentor, Dr. Franklin von Stugaart, used to down a glass of blood from a “cherubic Caucasian male child” every morning in order to “reinvigorate his humors.” The man had the energy of a horse and lived to the ripe old age of 102 despite the fact that he drank like Mr. Ed. In any case, don’t waste good blood. Next time you cut yourself in the kitchen, don’t just rinse nature’s iron-rich protein shake down the drain, collect it in the glass until it stops bleeding and then enjoy a refreshing glass of blood afterwards. Alternatively, learn the Mongolian draining technique and perform the procedure on your pets. I can tell you from experience that cat blood has a sweet tang you’ll learn to crave (though admittedly you’ll lose a few felines in the process of learning how to make the incision). Blood can also be mixed with other food for added nutritional kick or passed off as other things to save money. I myself mix blood with corn starch and sugar and serve that to my guests as “country ketchup.” With the skyrocketing price of ketchup in these troubled times, how can you afford not to?
AROUND THE HOUSE
- A Green Lawn Will Suck the Green from Your Bank Account
Every year Americans pump billions of dollars into making the land surrounding their house look like a green shag carpet. This is pointless, time consuming, and wasteful. Some of these costs can be defrayed by reusing yard trimmings as salad, but to save the real benjies you need to do away with lawn care altogether. The easiest solution is just to let it die. No fuss, no muss. One of the more convenient traits of grass is that it hangs around looking like normal grass long after it dies. The only problem with this is that it turns brown after the transformation, which the anal retentives at your local homeowner’s association usually frown their compulsively groomed little faces at. Fortunately, we have this thing called paint nowadays that can turn stuff any color you want it. You can even take a blade of your current grass down to any paint store and have them make a paint that matches the color exactly. Your homeowner’s association won’t have a clue!
- Needing to Separate Laundry is a Myth
Here’s everything you need to know about laundry: set the washer to cold, jam whatever the fuck you want in, throw in a capful of detergent, and start the machine. Seriously. Everything you own that isn’t dry clean-only will get clean just fine using this method. In fact, even some dry clean-only shit will get clean just fine with this method. The notion that you need to separate out darks and lights and use different temperatures is a total scam perpetuated by Big Utility so you remain a slave to hot water in order to fatten up its bottom line.
- Cough Syrup Can Provide Added Kick to Watered-Down Liquor
A good way to defray the costs of entertaining is to water down your liquor. That’s just common sense. Any homemaker or barkeep worth his salt knows this. The problem is when you have some real boozers for guests and they can tell they’re not getting as drunk as they should be. Well never fear. A good way to combat this issue is to add a bottle of cough syrup to each 1.5L handle of liquor you have. It works best with non-neutral spirits, but if all you have is vodka then mix it in there with some other shit and call it “Jungle Juice.” Make sure the cough syrup is one with “DM” on the label as this is the magical ingredient. Also, make sure it doesn’t have acetomeniphan as this stuff is hard on the liver and should not be combined with drinking. You know, for your health.
- Mint Mouthwash is Totally Drinkable
Another good way to cut down on your party’s booze bill is to add a few tablespoons of sugar to minty mouthwash and call it “Peppermint Schnapps.” The illusion is particularly effective if you pour it into a real Schnapps bottle rather than just serving it in the mouthwash bottle. Look on the back of the mouthwash bottle to ensure it has alcohol in it. A good mouthwash will have 21-26% ABV. Not schnapps strong, but certainly enough to get your party guests the buzz they crave.
- Cockfights are Making a Comeback
With the revival in raising chickens among hipsters and the local food movement, there has also been a recently renewed interest the ancient art of cockfighting. Chickens can be fierce little devils that provide endless hours of top notch entertainment if you know what you’re doing. They’re also inexpensive, young chicks often going for a few bucks apiece. More importantly, their soulless, reptilian minds do not feel pain like dogs do and it is therefore morally acceptable (perhaps even morally imperative) to fight them and, if you’re a public figure, you don’t have to worry about any media backlash. Raise a pair in your backyard or garage, set up a little ring in your living room, and have them fight to the death. It’s as simple as that. Your guests will be impressed at the retro-chic entertainment you provide, and you will be able to recoup a substantial portion of your party costs by collecting a vig on the money your guests bet. If you want to continue the blood sport theme you could also buy a few bettas, aka Siamese Fighting Fish, another soulless creature according to the Vatican Council of does it really fucking matter?, and take bets on them as well.
- Reuse Condoms to Cut Down on Your Sex Bill
Kids are expensive, but not having kids can be nearly as expensive, particularly if you’re paying full price for brand new, name brand condoms every single time you want to bone. Thing is, that’s totally unnecessary. Just turn the used condom inside out, thoroughly rinse, and then run it through a cycle in the dishwasher. Optionally, you may add some lubricant to the cleaned condom once you’re done. I just keep doing this until the condom has visible holes, at which time you can throw it out or attempt to tape them up if you’re really thrifty.
- Teach Your Kids Pascal’s Wager and the Importance of Diversifying Your Religious Bets
With all the whacky, suspiciously convoluted religious beliefs in the world, it can be a terrifying prospect to think that one of them may be right and if you choose wrong you may end up in an eternity of limitless torture. Teach your kids the importance of sucking up to as many gods as possible on the off chance that one of them is the one true faith and that god will be tricked into sparing your immortal soul because you went through the motions of professed belief, which every religion seems to say matters more than following the philosophy of the religion itself for some reason.