HEALTH AND BEAUTY
10. Poppies Make an Effective, All-Natural Alternative to Dangerous Prescription Painkillers
With all the attention prescription painkiller addiction is getting in the news, many people are looking for safe, natural, homeopathic alternatives that don’t involve pumping your body full of harmful chemicals. Fortunately, there’s a timeless, surprisingly effective herbal remedy used for centuries by holistic healers, medicine men, and the East India Company before the rise of so-called Western “medicine.” It comes from the plant Papaver Somniferum, or the common poppy. The seeds can be purchased in any spice aisle and grown right in your very own backyard. Once the plants bloom you can simply harvest the buds and cut them open to let their all natural goodness ooze out. I recommend smoking it for the quickest relief, but the buds can also be dried, ground up and made into a refreshing, pain-numbing tea.
This is a particularly important remedy for the under and uninsured, since prescription painkillers can get pretty pricey. The medical community thinks that since you’ve undergone surgery or broken a bone, they’ve essentially got a captive audience willing to pay anything for some relief. Well, growing your poppies can provide you with all the pain relief you need at mere pennies per dose compared to pharmaceuticals. Some neighborhood street merchants/holistic healers will even offer a refined version pure enough to insufflate or inject. It’s a little pricier but more effective and still way cheaper than buying it from Big Pharma. Talk about savings!
11. Learn the Basics of Surgery
It’s a common myth of the Western medical establishment that surgery is difficult. Now, certainly that is the case with some of the more complicated brain shit, but believe it or not, many common, routine procedures are astonishingly easy. If you mix a little time and effort with a pinch of patience, you may discover a recipe for savings by learning to do a variety of money-saving procedures on your family. I for one now know how to remove appendixes, gall bladders, wisdom teeth and tonsils. In fact, I preemptively removed all of them from all three of my kids. And why not? They’re not necessary and only serve to get infected. Once you realize how easy these procedures are you’ll laugh at all the poor suckers spending thousands to have a so-called “licensed professional” do the procedure. PROTIP: poppy tea and some “peppermint schnapps” with cough syrup added makes a highly effective anesthetic. Just watch the dosing on children as they often can’t handle their shit yet.
12. Teach You Kids the Value of a Hard Day’s Work
Kids today are mostly spoiled shits. Teach them the value of a college education by forcing them to do backbreaking labor and then not paying them for it. Do this by forcing them to work for minimum wage and then take deductions for room and board, medical and educational expenses, transportation costs, etc. It will teach them valuable lessons about getting exploited and that they need to fuck or be fucked. When they complain, preach to them about personal responsibility and pulling themselves up from their bootstraps like you did. Tell them that’s what gives you the right. Tell them how you’d love to pay them more but it would cut into your company’s bottom line and inhibit your ability to create jobs and how you’re barely making it by as it is. I make my kids chop wood in the backyard for 12 hours every Saturday and pay them nothing. I can sell this wood for $5 a bundle people passing by the house. When the kids complain I threaten to put them out on the street. I tell them I can give them a raise, but it’s going to mean one of them is going to lose their job and get put up for adoption. This might not work so well when they get older, but it scares the shit out of an eight year-old. Plus, I like to think it builds character and teaches them a valuable lesson about the inherent cruelty of human nature.
13. More TV, Less Internet
People these days can’t seem to pry themselves away from the Internet and their dizzying array of electronic devices, gadgets, gizmos and other hugglety puff. When I was a kid we didn’t even have the internet, and we got by just fine because we had a little something called television. I remember my family used to spend five or six hours a day just sitting watching television, enjoying each other’s slaw jawed stares and occasional laughter as a family. It was a great way to bond and really helped us grow into strong, closely knit family unit all living together at our compound in rural Wyoming. We used to watch good, wholesome programs like Family Matters, MacGuyver, and Mama’s Family. It was rock solid entertainment that taught me all sorts of valuable lessons that have made me the man and father of 19 I am today.
Thing is, kids these days barely watch TV anymore. Heaven forbid they turn on “the tube” now and then and improve their minds a little. The best you can hope is to have it forced upon them in school, but even then are they really watching TV then? Sure, they might have to watch Romeo and Juliet in English class, but many of them just read the summary on Wikipedia for the test and play on their phones while the actual movie is going on.
The rise of the internet is a disturbing trend and I for one fear for the future of this once great nation. Don’t be like everyone else, getting mired in endless wasteland of the “world wide web” with its Geo-cities and its hashtags and the Facebook thumbs ups. Instead, put down the iPad and gather the family around the warm glow of the old tube to watch some sports or maybe a rerun of Everybody Loves Ray. Your brain will thank you.
14. Make It Smell Like You Know How to Cook
One of the best ways to be a kickass homemaker is to be a kickass cook. For a lot of men this is extremely difficult. One way to deal with the problem is to learn how to make good cooking smells instead of going full bore and learning to actually cook. Nothing smells like some good cookin’ is goin’ on somewheres like sautéing onions and garlic. Here’s all you need to do. Get a non-stick pan. Dump some olive oil in. Set heat to just below medium. Cut up some onions and garlic cloves and dump it in the oil after it heats up for a couple minutes. Let it cook like this until it starts to get brown, then dump it out and repeat as long as you need to keep up the illusion of cooking. While this is going on you can heat up some frozen entrees in the microwave and then pass those off as your own homecookin’.
15. Roasted Wood
There is no greater symbol of wealth, health and vitality than a sick wood-burning fireplace. Sadly, America’s safety culture and anti-fire propagandists have made this dream an impossibility for the millions of Americans living in new to relatively new housing. Luckily there’s roasted wood. Roasted wood brings the smell of genuine fireplace living with actually having to go through the trouble and insurance hurdles associated with having a real fireplace. Just burn half a popsicle stick in a plate or ashtray for the authentic smell of roasted wood. If you have a big house burn the whole stick. PROTIP: avoid smoke detectors, which spoil the mood.
16. Never Pay for Toilet Paper
Toilet paper is a total rip off. We all know this. Why should I be spending $30 a month just to clean my asshole? You know how many Netflix subscriptions that is? But what’re you gonna do, just let your butt go au naturale? Be a man and use your han(d)? Thankfully there’s an better solution. See, most publicly available toilets have high capacity rolls that will last you and your family/roommates/squatters weeks at a time. While these glorious rolls are sealed by a locked plastic cover, this cover can typically be pried off with a screwdriver or key relative ease. Alternatively, a generic key that will fit most of them can be purchased online for a modest fee.
17. Everyone Loves Pizza for Everything
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to be eight years-old to enjoy Domino’s pizza and Taco Bell. There are really only two foods you can reliably get delivered to your house no matter what city you live in: pizza and Chinese food. Since picky eaters have whined and bitched their way into dictating group food options for our entire civilization, you can only order pizza (and there had better cheese pizza or they will be squealing like stuck pigs). Therefore, in all circumstances order pizza. Who doesn’t love cheap, low-grade pizza for everything? Sleepover? Pizza. Meeting? Pizza. Sport’s team dinner? Pizza. Team building exercise? Pizza. Moving day? Pizza. School fundraiser? Pizza. Supposedly Authentic Italian Restaurant? Pizza. Seafood Restaurant? Pizza. Pizza restaurant? Oh, you better believe you’re ordering pizza. Nutritious and delicious, pizza is the perfect answer to all of life’s questions. And by nutritious I mean barely a step above donuts. Who wouldn’t want enough calories to fuel a field laborer and enough grease to give a bottle of Tums heartburn? Oh boy, pizza!