An Excerpt from My Upcoming R-Rated Saved by the Bell Fan Fiction Novel Fast Times at Bayside High

Final Saved by the BellChapter 6: The Party

“I don’t know guys,” Zack said slurping up the last drops of his 11th Jack and Coke. “She’s pretty messed up.”

The quivering sinews of Slater’s anabolic muscles seemed to bulge even more than usual. “What’re you, a fucking homo?” he growled. “Don’t be pussy. I know you always had a thing for Kapowski.”

You think just because you got some new roids you can intimidate me, you fuck? Zack thought. I know you man. We’ve been friends since we were in diapers. I remember when you used to wet the bed during nap time in Miss Gardener’s P.M. kindergarten class. Fuck you.

“Yeah, don’t be a pussy, Morrsh,” Kelly said, the operation of her tongue obstructed by a combination of peach schnapps and remnants of the half-digested Domino’s pizza she’d just deposited behind Screech’s parents’ king-sized Tempur-Pedic. “I’ve wanted to fuck you ever since I saw that blond puff of yours strut its way into Miz Blitz’s home run class.”

Zack grimaced. “And I like you, too. I’m just not comfortable with doing it in…in this way. What was that stuff about consent Jessie was going off on this morning?”

“Goin’ off? How ‘bout you come get me off you fuckin’ bitch?” Kelly shouted, clumsily pulling her shirt over her head and nearly tumbling over in the process. “I thought you were a man. I thought you were my man.”

lipstick-kiss-markShe tried to squeeze her eyebrows together like a hurt puppy, but her glazed eyes and slack jaw imitated a look of horror more akin to what the house’s straight-laced owners would do when they found her present behind the bed the following afternoon.

All the alcohol in Zack’s system wasn’t enough to block the sting of Kelly’s remarks. Who is this animal? he thought. Where’s the girl I fell in love with? Zack, what happened to you? What happened to the gold-hearted boy who used to put his whole allowance in the collection plate?

“No,” Zack said. “I mean, I’m pretty sure she was talking about how a woman can’t give consent if she’s drunk.”

“I’m not drunk, Zachary. I’m buzzed.” Kelly’s eyelids struggled to stay open as she tilted her head in an exaggerated look of exasperation. “Buzzed as fuck.” The change in orientation threw her balance off, and she nearly toppled over again. “Annn anywho…throwing up probably cleared out mosta the alcohol in my system.”

“Yeah, dude,” Slater added, “I think Jessie was talking about when a woman is like, you know, so drunk that she passes out. Of course she can’t give consent then, because she can’t talk. It’s about the words, man.”

C'mon dude.

          “It’s about the words, man.I’m gonna have to get in there and show you what a real man does.

Zack paused for a moment to consider this. “Maybe.”

“Yeah see, you know he’s right,” Kelly said, undoing her bra. “Now get over here and show me what you’ve got.”

“I…I just don’t…what about California’s new affirmative consent law?”

“Oh Jesus, still?” Slater threw his hands in the air. “If you don’t do it soon I’m gonna have to get in there and show you what a real man does.” He slammed his fist on the nearby dresser like a judge’s gavel.

Oh yeah, that’d be the day, Zack thought. “Remind me again why it is you aren’t doing this?” he asked, tilting his head threateningly at Slater. “It’s not like she really cares which one of us does the deed.”

“I told you. I like to watch.”

“Watch Zack,” Kelly burped.

Slater’s glare dripped venom. “You shut up bitch! You shut…the…your….” His voice trailed off.

“Mmm hmm. That’s what I thought,” Kelly said. “Why don’t you get over here and get some of this?” She massaged her naked breasts in an exaggerated way, like a porn star.

“Guys, relax,” Zack said, moving between them and putting his hands up. As he did this, his right hand brushed Kelly’s supple, caramel-colored breasts. Despite the whiskey swimming through his bloodstream, Zack felt his pants growing tight. Oh god. He could feel every beat of his heart trying to escape the confines of his chest. Gravity pulled at his tingling loins.

Kelly noticed the tension and pressed her weight to the bed, bouncing slightly and making girlish giggles. The hypnotic jiggle of Kelly’s glistening boob skin sent an electric pulse of desire coursing through Zack’s member. He cupped her right breast with his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. It feels like a dream. He couldn’t help himself. He had to. The gravity. It pulled. He turned and grasped both, nearly crushing them as his animal desire took over.

Kelly yelped at Zack’s primal grip, but her expression soon turned ravenous. “There you go cowboy.” She lay back on the bed and began to undo her shimmering rainbow Hammer pants. “Let’s do this motherfucker.”

“No, no,” he said, undoing his belt. “Kellyfucker.”

Behind him Zack heard the soft crumple of Slater’s pants falling to the floor and the unmistakable squeak of Lubriderm dispensing from a family-sized plastic jug.

It was on.


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