Just fill in the “insert here” fields below and send this letter off to your favorite celebrity in the hope that they may see the light and help give corduroy the permanent place in our wardrobes that it deserves.
Dear (insert celebrity name here),
I have always greatly enjoyed your (insert description of the type of work the celebrity is famous for here; if celebrity is Paris Hilton-famous, compliment their appearance instead). (Insert a specific production/work the celebrity did here) was a true inspiration to me. That part where (insert a specific scene/portion of the work that you enjoyed here) gave me chills.
Given your exceptional talents, I assume you to be the sort of person who cares deeply about ethics, progress and the fate of the human race. That’s why I’m writing to you about corduroy. For too long, America has been left with little choice for casual leg coverings beyond denim pants, commonly known as “jeans.” While these may have been a suitable leg covering for grizzled 19th-century gold miners, they are not a sensible choice for the modern American.
Jeans are as rigid as their fabric is rough and grating against the skin. Not only that, they shrink and tighten every time you wash them. How many times have you taken a freshly washed pair of jeans out of the dryer and wondered how your once supple pants turned into sandpaper two sizes smaller than when you put them in? How many times have you taken a pair off in the evening to reveal deep red imprints on your waist? For me, it happens on a daily basis.
This is why America has a dire need for an alternative to jeans. While there has been a recent and promising new trend in the social acceptability of women’s leggings, men are still sorely in need of a publicly wearable, comfort-centric leg covering. Not to mention, who knows how long the legging trend will last? Corduroy has a potential something as novel as leggings just can’t. Cords have long been a staple of the comfortable yet stylish man’s wardrobe in good times. Sadly, this magnificent textile comes in and out of style with the ebb and flow of the tides of fashion. What we need is a permanent trend towards cords.
That’s why I need your help. As a well-known and beloved celebrity, you are a prime mover of the American wardrobe. What you wear on a daily basis has profound implications for our fashion for years to come (and in the case of Iowa and Kansas, decades to come).
I propose a two-pronged approach: first towards bringing them back in style right now, and second in making sure they stay in style by providing a variety of different corduroy trends, only one of which will be in style at any given time.
The first part is easy. You just need to be seen around town in cords. So get out there! Slide into a pair of velvet washboard and go to dinner. Or maybe fly a kite or go roller skating? It’s up to you. With a pant as versatile as corduroy you’ll be appropriately dressed for practically anything. Just make sure you get photographed so John and Susie celeb watcher see.
The second part will be a bit more difficult. In order for it to work you must ensure that only a small segment of the total possible corduroy styles are in fashion at any given time. Have your corduroy tailor sew you up some cords as distinct from other cords as skinny jeans are from acid wash or bell bottoms. I suggest cords made of some sweet patches with the ridges going different directions with each patch. You could also try a particularly large or small wale (that’s the distance between ridges), a skinny of baggy thing or maybe just make one color in style. I myself am partial to gold. It’s totally up to you, though. I just want to make sure cords are here to stay!
In closing, I’d just like to point out that this isn’t just a comfort issue. My research has revealed that when corduroy is in style America almost always benefits economically. It’s an underappreciated fact that the Roarin’ Twenties were fueled mostly by a corduroy boom. What historians have discovered is that with the specter of Prohibition looming large newly sober Americans were finding themselves increasingly unable to put up with the uncomfortable pants materials at the time. So where did they turn? You guessed it. Corduroy! It was only when the stock market crashed in 1929 and Congress decided the nation could use a good, stiff drink and repealed Prohibition (thus ushering in an increased tolerance for discomfort) that cords fell out of favor. It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Consider the last time corduroys were fashionable: the mid-90s, one of the rapidest periods of economic expansion in US History. You and I know this is no mere coincidence. Comfortable legwear has long been associated with substantial increases in productivity. This is half the rationale for telecommuting. In any case, I think it’s pretty clear what’s right for America right now. Thanks for your help.
(insert your name here)