“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that truths convenient to our desires are truer than other truths…”
-The Prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1985 Edition
I frequently get asked if I am a Christian. I typically reply that, yes, indeed I am. I then inform my questioners that I am also a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Zoroastrian and a pagan. In fact, I am anything and everything. I am the alpha and the omega and the epsilon and whichever letter I feel convenient to my aims. I am, in other words, whatever it takes.
This is all because I subscribe to the sacred tenets of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, a faith set up on the principle that religious beliefs should be tailored to suit one’s needs, that those ideas, beliefs and principles which help us most in our daily lives, those that most further our desires, confirm our preexisting notions, and satisfy our fears and inadequacies, should be the ones to which we ascribe.
While there is no central text to the Church of Convenient Religious beliefs, much of its philosophy and teachings began as a series of informational brochures passed out at our Founder, Clancy Al Newbaum’s, truck stop and tourist attraction The World’s Largest Non-Stick Frying Pan in New Carlisle, Kansas beginning in the 1980s. These brochures are now referred to as the Sacred Informational Brochures and well-known to all the faithful. While their content is broad, covering everything from what to eat to how to get out of going to an office luncheon, a good starting point for anyone unfamiliar with the faith would be its Ten Commandments of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, first introduced as a part of the 1986 brochure and included as a part of every edition since. These beliefs as they currently stand—and new beliefs are always welcome—are provided below for your Englightenment.
SACRED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: These are all sincerely held religious convictions. They are necessary to my spiritual fulfillment and a fundamental right under the laws of this country. The CCRB is a multidisciplinary faith based on the principle that spiritual fulfillment can be attained through the demand for and fulfillment of preferential treatment. This truth was revealed through the god-man Jim Morrison and his prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, a huge Doors fan.
The Ten Commandments of the CCRB
“In the beginning the Lord said, if it pleaseth you it pleaseth the Lord. Who are they to question your sincerity? What right have they?”
–CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1999 Edition
Thou shalt not have to perform jury duty or register for the draft. The Lord thinks you have better things to do and someone else should have to do it.
Thou shalt dress in whatever garment you deem comfortable, regardless of the situation. Every day is casual Friday in the eyes of the Lord. Though shalt not be required to wear ties, dress shoes or tuck in thine shirt. The most sacred coverings of the faithful are gym shorts, a t-shirt and sandals, if thou art so inclined.
Thou shalt not consume the vegetables which are green of leaf and bitter to the taste unless they be adorned with melted cheese. The Lord finds the holiness of a meal directly related to the quantity of cheese melted upon it and considers such foods exempt from your diet.
Thou shalt not have to send thank you cards.
Thou shalt not abide the tyranny of airline zone seating or the membership requirements of the Admiral’s Club, Delta Sky Club, StarAlliance®-affiliated clubs and the USO Lounge. The Lord thinks you have just as much of a right to be there as any of those assholes.
Thou shalt park in available handicapped spots without a permit. The Lord is pretty sure most of them don’t really need their permit anyway.
Thou shalt get Black Friday off. For religious reasons, this lack of work must come in the form of paid time off from thine employer. This is also true of any holiday separated from a weekend by a mere day.
Thou shalt not be required to shower after gym class…or attend gym class altogether. Thou will be fat in 10 years anyway. So sayeth the Lord.
Thou shalt have thine own dormitory room whilst you attend college, boarding school or a similar institution. Such institutions shall provide this to you at no additional charge in order to prevent you from offending God.
Thou shalt not have to accommodate any healthcare coverage needs of thine employees that thou does not wish to. The Lord thinks freedom of choice means freedom to cover whatever the hell thou wishes.