12 Skills Every Man Should Know

  1. How to fight dirty. Remember the three D’s: dirt in the eyes, dick punches, and deals. Nothing disables an opponent like hurling something in their eyes and delivering a swift blow to the junk. If these fail, though, stay calm. Just bring out your trump card: the deal. The deal consists of the three S’s: sobbing, saying sorry and sucking up. Start with the waterworks and move on to a tearful plea for forgiveness. Getting on your knees and putting your hands together in prayer is highly recommended. Hopefully, at this point, they’ll be too disgusted to even want to fight and will just walk away. If that doesn’t work, though, make the deal. Offer straight cash or other assets in exchange for dispensing with the ass kicking. Once a deal is struck and they start walking away, then you run up and administer a kick to the balls. If you gave them money, take it back at this point and run like hell.
  2. How to make a proper Tom Collins. Forget martinis or craft whiskey or whatever other bullshit is popular. The most timeless drink of all time is a good, old-fashioned Tom Collins. I mean, who doesn’t love a nice, frosty TC? It’s known as the Bulgaria of cocktails and for good reason. I usually fill up a coffee pitcher and take it out to the apartment pool to watch the co-eds from the nearby community college tanning themselves.
  3. How to get a pity lay. This sometimes comes in handy with the co-eds from the nearby community college. Here are the three C’s of getting a pity lay: cancer, cancer, and cancer. Cancer is the perfect disease for the pity lay. It’s deadly, painful and, most importantly, not contagious. Even better, everyone knows it’s not contagious, so they don’t have to take your word for it. You’d be amazed how many people in this day and age still think they can get hepatitis just shaking my hand. Anyways, remember to use tact. How you drop the C-bomb can be the difference between disgust and lust. PRO TIP: Shave your head to make it look like you just went through chemo. Then, moan loudly and say “Oh god, these anti-cancer drugs.”
  4. How to make a deceptive Match.com profile. Rule one: use an actual photo of yourself. Rule two: Photoshop the hell out of it. I could write a whole article about Photoshopping your Match profile, so I’ll just say this: you want to make your biceps fucking massive. Women love big ass biceps. I’m talking the kind that look like you stuffed a melon under your skin. If a woman doesn’t think you can get ‘roids, she’s not going to think you can get her, either. Also, give yourself a sweet set of abs and some long Fabio hair. When they meet you can just say you cut your hair and they’re not going to see your abs (at least until lay-ter, lol!!!). They might be a little disappointed when they meet you, but they’re already there and will probably be too hungry to turn down a “free” meal regardless of what you really look like. Just as a side note, spend wisely. If dinner goes well and you think you’re gonna get laid, be a man and pay for dinner and shit. If she’s some feminist, Tumblrina bitch who doesn’t want to fuck you, tell her you’re going to the bathroom and then just leave. Let her get stuck with the bill. How’s that for equality?
  5. How to stuff your pants. Women love a huge dong. No doubt about it. Unfortunately, not all of us are as well-endowed as we could be. Good news, though: it doesn’t really matter. Just as long as you give off the appearance of having a big wang they’ll want to fuck you. By the time you two are naked and she discovers the deception, it’ll be too far along and she’ll probably just go through with it anyway. The key to stuffing your pants is not to let whatever you stuff with fall out. I combat the falling out by sewing a wad of socks into all my underwear.
  6. How to dick someone over for a promotion. It’s called capitalism. I say if you don’t like it, go to China. There are countless ways to do this. Really, I could write a book on the subject. For my money and time, though, take a page from politics and run a smear campaign. Classic methods include Photoshopping your competition into porn and sending it to HR, spreading salacious rumors, connecting them to racist literature, or just good old-fashioned physical violence.
  7. How to safely slash your ex’s tires. Tire slashin’ can be dangerous. Those big rubber donuts are under a lot of pressure since they’re holding up a few thousand pounds of solid steel. The best way is to first let the air out of the tires by taking the cap off the valve and poking the little needle inside with a pen or something. Make sure you hear a hiss. If you’re not that pissed you can stop there, but if you really want to let them know you’re swinging some hardcore stones, take a knife and stab them tires like you’re in a prison cafeteria.
  8. How to key your ex’s car to make it count. The key here (no pun intended, lol!!!) is not to use a key at all. Using keys to key cars is a common misconception perpetuated by Big Hardware. It will leave minor scratches at best. Your ex will go have them buffed out or maybe even use one those infomercial scratch pens and think it’s no big deal. She ain’t getting off that easy, bro. My recommendation is to get some coarse sandpaper and a battery-operated hand sander and spell out “Fuck You, Bitch!” on the side of the car. It does a lot of paint damage. Plus, it sends a message. You wanna make ‘em think, right? Don’t forget the comma neither. She might be confused otherwise.
  9. How to put sugar in the tank of your ex’s car. This is harder than you might think. Most cars have little metal pressure flaps you gotta push aside, which is difficult when you’re trying to pour a five pound bag of cane sugar. My tip: jam a funnel in there. It’ll hold the flap aside and make pouring easier. If you’re on the go I’ve heard inserting sugar cubes one at a time by pushing them through the flap is also pretty easy, if a little time consuming.
  10. How to skip out on child support and/or alimony. Bitches and brats will suck you dry if given half the chance. It’s a well known fact that our Family Courts screw men (which is why I’m a Men’s Rights Activist). What they never tell you is, if your ex is a total bitch, you have a Constitutional right to even the score by evading payment on your court-ordered obligations. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to court dozens of times, and I’m an avid listener of a legal call-in show on AM radio. Exercising your rights is easier said than done, of course, but it starts with concealing your assets. I use what’s known to legal scholars as the “bury it in the woods” maneuver, originally perfected by Wesley Snipes. Remember: cash is king. Turn your checking and savings accounts into cash. If you have a retirement account, cash that motherfucker out. Take all of that and bury it in the woods. Next, sell your car and buy a total piece. Bury the excess cash in the woods. Go live in a hotel for awhile and pay cash every night. This may seem excessive, but you’ve got to reduce the size of the target. I would also suggest faking your death and changing your identity (see below). Once those things are done you can “withdraw” your cash from the woods and start living like a normal fucking human being again.
  11. How to change your identity. People die in this country every day and leave a perfectly useable identity behind. Hell, half the registered voters in Louisiana have been dead for a decade or more. Don’t feel bad. They’d be happy to know that someone is helping to preserve the family name.
  12. How to fake your own death. This is easier if you’re already using someone else’s identity, but killing your original persona isn’t as hard as Hollywood would have you believe. There are as many ways to fake your own death as there are stars in the sky, so I won’t get into detail. All I will say is that that beauty of faking your own death is that you can just keep trying until someone buys it. Once one person or organization buys it, everyone else will probably buy it, too. Goodbye credit cards, student loans, child support payments, vehicular manslaughter restitution and thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of overdue library books.
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