Wake Up America! (Part IV)

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate. From time to time, NFFHC will reprint articles from our sister publications which the editorial staff have deemed of exceptionally high quality and particularly important or relevant to the modern world. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana. It is the last in a four part series of letters on the topic from American citizen and freelance man-of-letters Randy Miller.

The Last Bastion of American Freedom

Dear Editor,

Well fellow citizens, it looks like the powers that be have “won” the battle of my trial. Your’s truly, Randy Miller, Citizen, is now Randy Miller, Inmate #401L435. It’s alright, though. Heck, I could use some from time. It’ll give me a chance to really delve deep into my scholarly research. Oh yes, old Randy is doing just fine. Don’t you worry about him.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, “Wow, I feel really sorry for Mr. Miller. Here in this mixed up, crazy place we call the modern world, we have a rare example of a man who actually stands up for what he believes, for his freedom, and what do they do to him? They thrown him in prison.” None of that is untrue fellow citizens, but I’m telling you: don’t feel bad. As you are all probably aware by now, this is no longer a free country. A handful of leftist radicals have done their best to destroy every last thing freedom loving patriots hold dear, and I am really just another one of their many victims. We’re all their victims, really. It’s just more obvious with me. All I can say is don’t feel sorry for me. As luck (destiny?) would have it, I just happen to have discovered a little pocket of liberty which the oligarchy that rules this country has failed to squash.

Where is this paradise, you ask? An obscure island off the coast of Alaska? A time machine?  An off the grid, self-sufficient, walled-in compound in rural Montana with an entirely gold-based economy, and daily, mandatory firearms practice and marching drills for all citizens aged four and up? Nope. Wrong on all counts fellow citizens. I’m talking, of course, about prison!

As some of the savvier readers of my letters may know, the American prison system is the envy of the world. America imprisons more citizens per capita than any other nation on Earth. In fact, for every  100,000 citizens in this country there are a robust 716 Americans behind bars, and this number is projected to grow in the years to come as the privately run prison industry lobbies the government for increasingly punitive laws. To put this in perspective, our freedom-depriving, draft-dodger-infested neighbor to the north, Canada, imprisons an anemic 114 per 100,000. Can you believe that? How can a nation be free if it’s not free of law-breakers?

By now I’m sure some of my more narrow-minded readers are thinking, “Wait a minute Randy, is that really a good thing? I mean, nobody wants to go to prison.” Sigh. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a common misconception perpetrated by the Liberty-stalking hippies and Quakers of this country that prison is a bad thing and that it restricts your Liberty. In fact, it does quite the opposite. It’s sort of like that thing where Iceland is the green one and Greenland is the icy one, presumably the work some medieval expert consultant from the PR and Marketing Guild.

So how is prison good for personal freedom? Well, for one thing, consider the prison economy. As far as I can tell, it is the only truly free market, laissez-faire economy on Earth. People here use their free time in the productive pursuits of their choice with little to no interference from the guards. And even when they do interfere, you can get around that through a good, old-fashioned bribe.

The entire economy is built on the currency of the cigarette standard, which, unlike fiat currencies used by countries like America, actually has use and underlying value beyond that dictated into it by the powers that be. On top of that, there are no taxes to speak of, be they income, sales, value-added or whatever. If I make 100 cigarettes in a day through my productive labors, I will keep 100 cigarettes and may spend them as I wish, free from government worms burrowing their way in for a cut.

I haven’t been this excited in years. I feel like Dagny Taggart uncovering John Galt’s secret mountain hideout in Colorado. Everyone here is paid by the value they provide and nothing more or less. The other day I earned 20 cigarettes for providing a fellow inmate instruction as to how to properly stitch a minor shanking wound and spent those cigarettes on a well worn James Madison biography and instruction in the making of the prison beverage known as Pruno.

It’s inspiring to see people who, on the outside, chose a life of crime, come here and suddenly their whole outlook changes. No more crime. No more tricks. No stifling regulation from the Boys in Washington sucking our blood. Just people driving themselves to heroic new levels of production and usefulness. Where an outsider may see a stick or toothbrush, an inmate will see a potential shiv and profit. Where an outsider may see half a bottle of cranberry juice, some old peaches and a steel toilet, an inmate sees a business opportunity. Why, if your average person on the outside had half their gumption, we could conquer China tomorrow.

Oh, and you know what else? The prison economy is roaring. Guess what the unemployment rate is in our fine prison? Surprise, surprise: zero percent. Without a government and their schmoozing cronies taking a cut of everyone’s cigarettes, we are motivated to work to our full potential. As a result, the prison hall is a hotbed of small business entrepreneurship. Toilet vinters, drug mercantilists, weapons smiths, personal trainers. And let me tell you, what Pruno lacks for in quality of ingredients it more than makes up for with the sweet taste of freedom added to it.

I’d also like to point out that every man is employed in useful labors, too. Doing laundry, making license plates, cooking meals, trading goods, etc. Not one gets to leech off society by somehow trying to get paid for doing something silly and unproductive like painting or making music. With exception of tattooing, the “arts” are virtually nonexistant here. Without government grants and university professorships, those types have no way to support themselves without getting people to pay for their wares on the open market. And you know what people are willing to pay for that rubbish? Nothing!

We need the government for virtually nothing here. Even policing and protection are controlled through private enterprise. I myself pay for protection from an extremely scary-looking group of guys through cigarettes and some personal services.

In a free society such as this you’ll also come to notice that there’s a different culture of interpersonal interactions. For one thing, there is zero political correctness. People here know how to call a spade a spade. A is A and the Aryan Brotherhood is me. Right now I’m not technically a member, but I’ve done some work for them, and I am a proud Christian male of Northern European descent. I like their style and they like mine. And that’s just how it is in prison. The old racial segregations are alive and well, as if the hippies never happened. Everyone knows their place and that’s just how it is.

My Aryan Brothers have a real commitment to old-fashioned Christian values, too. The other day they beat the snot out of some the Muslim inmates for no reason (other than that they were Muslim. In this man’s America, that’s enough. You don’t have to wait for them to bomb a skyscraper or shoot up a school before doing something about it. Now that’s freedom of religion! Guys in the joint don’t hide their Christianity either. Instead they put it right out in the open for all to see. My roommate Frank has a giant cross that covers up the whole of his back. Can I get an amen brother?!

It’s going to be hard to leave this place. It really is. I’ve got 5-10 years, but I’ll probably get kicked out in three for “good behavior” knowing the hippies they install on parole boards nowadays. My fellow Americans, I urge you to write your congressman tell him to support our prison system. Right now it’s still going strong, but you know the powers that be would love to rip their fangs in and nationalize it, turning it into one of those socialist prisons in Norway.

God Bless,

Randy Miller, Citizen

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