I’m a Registered Non-Voter

Let’s fix this fucker up.

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate consisting of hundreds of different publications spreading Truth throughout the world. From time to time we will reprint articles from our sister publications which our editorial staff have deemed particularly important or relevant to the modern world and of exceptionally high quality. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana, following the November midterm elections. It is penned by frequent contributor and renowned humanitarian Jake Besco.

To the Editor of the Greensburg Observer,

As another election season has come and gone, it’s important to take time to consider how lucky we are to live in a country where anybody, no matter how humble their origins or nakedly self-serving their ambitions, can become super rich and impose their will on the nation by spending gargantuan sums of money. As Adam Smith once wrote, campaign contributions and corporate media propaganda are the very foundation of any healthy capitalist democracy. It’s Freedom with a capitalist F. The troops (thank you for your service, etc.) may fight for our freedom, and we may love our freedom, but it is these glorious citizens who get our freedom. Let us thank our holy and inspired founding fathers for giving us such a precious gift as the right to choose which party stooge gets to root around America’s cookie jar this year.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s time you give up, stop pretending you have any voice and join me in giving it all the middle finger.

Fellow citizens, I’m a registered non-voter. I have been ever since I started not voting at the age of 18. Every election Tuesday I take some time off work, fire up the ol’ Chevy and drive down to the polling place. I wait in line (no cutting!), fill in a few bubbles on a blank sheet of paper to simulate the physical stresses of voting and then leave.

Yep. That’s it. Hardcore non-voting.

Why go to all this trouble? To prove I’m not just being lazy. Let me be clear: no voting occurs during this whole empty act. I am simply scribbling on a piece of paper I brought with me. This is my way of pissing on the whole process without feeling like a piece of crap, or at least without feeling like a lazy piece of crap. I like to call it active cynicism.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking. Why oh why? You have a civic responsibility, Jake! Do you know how many people would kill/have died for the right to vote? Don’t complain when the person you don’t like gets elected!

Let me be clear: fuck off.

In America, we get our choice of laws like people at Golden Corral get their choice of food. There’s a whole lot of every kind of food, and it’s all shit. In every election there is a 99% chance a person I don’t like will get elected and only watered-down, filler-stuffed laws I don’t give a shit about will reach a meaningful vote in Congress. The best I can hope for in this situation is the person I dislike less getting elected, the buffet equivalent of a C+ chicken noodle soup I can stomach for an entire bowl.

Note that I said something will come along. Someone never, ever comes along. Every generation must learn this fact the hard way by caring about a candidate, getting them elected and then realizing that they’re essentially the same as everyone else. Barack Obama is the Millennial Generation’s version of this. His crime isn’t that he’s done anything any worse than other politician, it’s that he led us to believe he was different from other politicians. When he finally got into office and showed us that he was just a typical career politician, it was like when you compare the burger you get in real life to the one you saw in the restaurant’s ad. He’s a match.com date whose picture looked like a 10 but turned about to be a 4 when you finally met. Perhaps he wouldn’t have seemed so bad if he had sold himself as just another career politician, but he was supposed to be something different.

Although, I suppose, if I’m really honest with myself, what I really hate about elections isn’t so much the candidates, as the people who elect them. The candidates are just a reflection in our collective mirror, being what they are because that’s what works in elections. Anyone who spoke their mind and advocated real change on real issues would not get elected. Ever. What I’m saying is I despise our process because I despise voters—that is to say decent, hardworking “folks” like you and me, your average Joes, your straight shooters, the teeming, gelatinous client base of Wal-Mart. These are folks with good old-fashioned values, the kind of people who care about the price of gas and their local sports team more than civil rights or flaws in our justice system. They lap up pandering slogans, rhetorical tricks and nipple slips like hogs at a trough of half-fermented slops.

I refuse to be a folk. I demand to be manipulated in a sophisticated way. Don’t just pull on my goddamn strings and expect me to dance. I’m not a goddamn monkey. I just evolved from goddamn monkeys. Folks don’t even have the dignity of being difficult to manipulate. Just memorize a list of talking points containing “opinions” like finding strength and guidance in one’s faith, enjoying hard work and vigorous competition, glorifying the past, all the lessons learned from having come from humble beginnings, acting like the Constitution is holy scripture, rabidly supporting small business, having your cake and eating it too with taxes, etc. Did I mention gas prices? Throw as wide of a net as possible, throw in some argument-ending kill words like “socialist” or “racist” to describe your opponent and reel the folks onto your boat, flopping around naked and suffocating before you lop their empty heads off.

But this is not news. Plenty of people know it. In their hearts, even the folks know it. What bothers me is that people don’t have the common decency to lapse into pit of active cynicism like myself. They process way too seriously. They still hoot and holler when politicians don’t deliver and/or break their promises. Really, though, what did you expect? Politicians are people whose primary motivation in life is the accumulation of as much power as possible. Who could you possibly trust less with a whole shit ton of power than someone willing to say anything to get it? It’s like trusting a junky with your stash or an alcoholic with your booze.

When these people say they want to give back, make America strong again, etc., all they’re saying is they want to stick their dick in the proverbial American pie. They’re whispering sweet nothings in Lady Liberty’s ears to get into her pants. But, unlike most women who have repeatedly had their trust violated, she just keeps coming back for more.

Hugs and Kisses,

Jake Besco


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