By Todd “The ‘Cep” Brock, guest contributor
Bro, let me ask you something: you wanna get huge? Sure. Who the fuck doesn’t? But it’s hard, right? What with all the bullshit promises and clickbait and infomercial junk, how do you separate what’s gonna get you sleeve-ripping slabs of lean muscle and what’s just gonna get your wallet lean? Well fear not, Todd is here to help you separate fact from fiction and get you ripped out of your fucking skull. Below are my top tips for anyone looking to step up his game and become a real man. Every last one has been critical to forging my award-winning, 28” biceps (no, that ain’t a typo, bro). If you want pythons like these you best absorb every last tip into your brain bucket and implement daily. Trust me. The days of you getting swirlies will be done. Soon you’ll be administering your own swirlies to all sorts of pencil-necked nerds, not to mention dipping your dick in more strange than you know what to do with.
TIP 1: Cold hard fact: steroids are good for you. This tip is fundamental to my whole system, so don’t ignore it. ‘Roids make you huge like God intended and help get rid of disgusting fat. Big Fitness doesn’t want you to know that, though. They want you to keep wasting your time and money on worthless personal trainer sessions and protein shakes, so they spread this propaganda about ‘roids being bad for you. I’ll give you the only personal training session you’ll ever need right here, for free: get some fucking ‘roids. There. Done. You’re gonna be scary big, bro.
TIP 2: Chicks dig enormous, disproportionate biceps. Sick biceps are the currency of love, bro. Exchanging goods for services, know what I mean? I’m talking the sort of ‘ceps that look like you’re smuggling bowling balls in your arms. Write this down, bro: at least 80% of your workout should be bicep work. You hear all this talk about the 80/20 rule on the internet lately? Yeah, that’s what they’re talking about. And that’s at a minimum. I actually do a 90/10 workout. And believe me, it works. They don’t call me The ‘Cep for nothing. Also keep in mind, even if you have a lot of time to work other areas after putting in a couple hours on your biceps, don’t overdo it. If you look smaller in other areas it will make your biceps look bigger, sort of like shaving your pubes makes your dong look bigger.
TIP 3: Spotters are for pussies. They make your mind weak. When you know your spotter can help out, you won’t fight as hard. You gotta feel like an antelope running from a goddamn lion, bro. Knowing you’re gonna get seriously injured if you fail is the greatest motivator there is, particularly when you’re maxing out. Asking for a spotter screams newbie, so ditch the training wheels.
TIP 4: Negative self-talk is critical. You want to get crazy huge? Half the battle is in the gym. The other half is in here (I’m pointing to my head). Telling yourself you can’t do it will motivate you to prove yourself wrong. Telling yourself you’re lazy and worthless is an effective way to inspire a worthless piece of shit like you. I like to look at myself in the full body mirror in my bedroom every morning. I just sit there and tell myself I’m a skinny little twig. Try phrases like “Nobody is ever going to love a disgusting piece of shit like you” and “You’re human garbage” and “Worthless weaklings like you don’t deserve to live.” Those are just examples, though. The sky is the limit. This is something you can really spread your creative wings with. Anyway, I keep repeating stuff like that until I actually see myself as skinny and worthless in the mirror. That’s right. Like not just imaginary, bro. You gotta actually see it. That’s when I’m really ready to tear it up in the gym. Keep in mind this ain’t easy. It might take you a couple hours the first go, but in time you’ll find it’s a part of you. When that happens, just looking in the mirror in the gas bathroom will send you into a frenzy of motivation. Don’t half-ass this, though, bro. This step is critical. You need to be positively ashamed to be alive. That’s how you learn to really want it. That’s important. You gotta want it more than anyone else. That’s how champions are made.
TIP 5: Wiping down the machine after use is for pussies. If you’re always using wiped machines you’re never gonna develop the proper immunities for when you go to a real man’s gym. It’s sort of like how you’re only susceptible to Giardia if you never drink river water. The gym is where real men lift solid chunks of iron and troll for booty, not where they play house and clean up after themselves. Fuck that. Leave it dirty. If you don’t like it go to Curves.
TIP 6: Vomiting is an indispensible skill. It’s almost as important as ‘roids in my book. Why? Two reasons. First, it’s a sort of workout speedometer that lets you know you’re working hard enough. That’s key. You gotta know you’re pushing it or how do you know you’re pushing it? If you’re not puking your guts out you can’t really call it a workout. I recommend taking seven or eight servings of a high-caffeine, pre-workout mix like N.O.Xplode or Jack3d to help this along.
Second, if you’re currently taking a break from ‘roids or lost your connection (it happens to the best of us), you’re gonna need a little more help staying thin. Vomiting will help you cut calories. When I’m not juicing, I’ll probably vomit 10 or so meals a week. This is what fitness pros and nutritionists call Intermittent Regurgitation or IR. It speeds up your metabolism and turns your body into a fat burning furnace. Hell, even when I’m on the ‘roids I’ll still vomit a few days a week to make my abs really pop.
One last point: patience and practice. Vomiting is both a skill and an art. It’ll take some time to get good at it and you’re never gonna be perfect. You’ll probably have to jam a finger down there for awhile, but as your esophagus and stomach become more limber you’ll be able to do it on command, hands free. That’s when the real gains start, bro.
TIP 7: Warming up is for pussies. ‘Nuff said.
TIP 8: If you’re going for your one rep max, start at your max weight. This goes along with the last tip. Seems like common sense, I know, but I constantly have to correct people on this. They all add weight progressively like they see in the fitness maggies written pussy marketing execs with microscopic biceps. If you want to lift as much weight as possible you cannot waste half your strength building up to your max weight. Just be a man and fucking go for it cold, bro. Cold muscles are tighter, which makes you stronger. Don’t believe me? Which rubber band snaps harder, a tight one or a loose one?
TIP 9: Get a little drunk before maxing out. Remember earlier when I said half the battle is in here (I’m pointing to my head)? Well, when I’m going for a one rep max, half the bottle is going to be in here (I’m pointing to my stomach). Fear is your greatest foe when it comes to pulling off beastly lifts, bro. Alcohol lets you cut through that motherfucker like Valyrian steel through a Stark neck. It takes that whiny little voice in your head saying “I can’t” and beats him into a bloody pussy pulp. For max gains you gotta be pretty drunk, though, so I recommend vodka. It’s the most athletic of the hard liquors. Pure and clear like water. How do you think those Russian weightlifters won so many gold medals?
TIP 10: Weight clips are for pussies. If you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen.
TIP 11: Chicks love a guy who checks himself out in the mirror. Make sure to wear the most revealing shirt the gym will allow (this tip applies to chicks, too, lol) and flex away. I’d go shirtless if it wasn’t for the Nazi behind the desk at Gold’s.
TIP 12: Chicks at the gym want you to stare at them. They may act like they don’t, bro, but that’s just a shit test. Don’t look away. Don’t apologize. Just keep staring. They love it. I mean, they’re there to work on their bodies so men will find them more attractive. Are you not a man? They aren’t wearing skin-tight shorts that look like they were painted on their asses and sports bras that pinch together their chest meat like two ripe melons to pick up the kids at soccer, are they? They’re doing it for men. Men like you. You don’t get a much clearer invitation than that. If they didn’t like it they’d go to Curves.
TIP 13: Drink as little water as possible. Being dehydrated helps your abs pop and builds mental toughness. Frank Herbert knew it. I know it. Now you know it. Trust me bro, you don’t want to see some tight little shorty watching you curl and then realize you have a temporary water gut from chugging a gallon of river water on the way over. Drink vodka or drink nothing.
Todd Brock is a fitness consultant, motivational speaker and mixed martial artist living with his dog Bulldozer in Jersey City, New Jersey. He gives frequent lectures on the topic of “being a real man and not a pussy in this wussified society of ours” at his local Gold’s Gym.