Sources in Xenia, Ohio report Mark Stanton, a 67 year-old, retired office manager and avid viewer of the cable television channel Fox News, suddenly developed a negative opinion about net neutrality last week despite never having heard of it before then and possessing an understanding of the internet his 35 year-old daughter describes as “beyond rudimentary.”
“This FCC thing is all we need,” said Stanton, who claims his stance on net neutrality is the “pro-capitalism, pro-freedom” position, “More government regulation interfering with the free market and taking money out of the pockets of hardworking, patriotic folks like you and me. They can call it equal opportunity, or whatever euphemism our tyrant-in-chief has cooked up this time. I don’t want it. I don’t need some internet affirmative action jacking up my bill and forcing me to use an inferior government email program instead of my AOL mail. Thanks but no thanks.”
Stanton also mentioned that the FCC is using net neutrality to fund “free internet for welfare queens,” though he admits he isn’t sure of the precise mechanism. “Just go to the business section on FoxNews’ world wide web channel. They explain it better than I can.”
Sources report Stanton’s primary interactions with the internet include posting anti-Obama tirades in the comments section of foxnews.com and checking his email on the America Online account he signed up for 19 years ago in exchange for a discount on a Compaq computer purchased for his then-teenage daughter.
“You can read all my blogs at h-t-t-p-s-colon-backslash-backslash-f-o-x-n-e-w-s-period-c-o-m-backslash,” said Stanton of his postings. I’m ConstitutionMan1776.”
Though Stanton is reportedly aware of more modern methods of connecting to the internet, he insists his dial-up internet connection “works just fine” and that he “[doesn’t] see the point of that wi-fi internet,” which is how he refers to all types of broadband connection, regardless of whether users connect via wi-fi router. “My daughter told me I should get that, but when I saw the monthly price tag I told my cable company they could stick it where the sun don’t shine. Heck, it was more than I pay for my AOL, and it was just for the modem part.”