Abortion Surpasses Powerball in US News & World Report’s Latest Ranking of America’s Best College Savings Plans

The results are in. Terminating your pregnancy is now the best way to assure you can afford to pay for your child’s education costs in the coming decades, this according to the recent rankings released by US News & World Report, the company famous for its influential annual rankings of “America’s Best Colleges.”

Terminating your pregnancy, commonly known as an “abortion,” works by surgically removing a woman’s fetus. Research has shown the procedure is highly effective at lowering child-rearing costs.

“Abortions have actually been around for decades,” says Dr. Leo Chestin, MD, an educational choice activist and key contributor to the report, “But it’s only been recently that people have realized it could be used to control education costs and prevent their children from becoming indentured servants of the federal government and private corporate lenders into their 50s and 60s.”

While some people question the need for a college education in the first place, Dr. Chestin insists that in today’s economic environment a college degree is essential.

“Undergrad is the new high school and grad school is the new undergrad,” he said. “There used to be a time when a person could easily get a good job without a college degree, but nowadays you need one for pretty much any job that pays a living wage, and even for a lot that don’t. If you don’t want to mop floors for minimum wage your whole life, your only good options are to be born rich or not to be born at all.”

Anne Schmidt, a 26 year-old, formerly expecting mother agrees. After getting pregnant, Anne researched every feasible way to pay for her child-to-be’s projected seven figure college tuition without taking out a loan eight  times the value of her three bedroom, ranch-style house. She figured playing the lottery was her best bet.

“I had been buying Powerball tickets for god knows how long,” she said. “Usually I got four or five a week, more if the jackpot was big. I figured my kid was worth it.”

As many prospective American parents have done in recent years, Anne soon discovered the probability of succeeding with her method was unlikely at best.

“You can’t buy the scratchers unfortunately,” she said. “Even the best of those won’t pay out nearly enough to finance four years of undergraduate education in this country in 20 years. Heck, it’s not even enough today. The problem is odds on the ones that do pay out enough aren’t that good. I mean, sure, Powerball has better odds than the chances of someone actually doing something to control rising college costs in this country. But still, they aren’t good.”

When lotto ticket  after lotto ticket failed to deliver the return Anne sought, she began to grow desperate.

“I even considered the military. That’s what my grandfather did. Or tried to do until he went to Vietnam. It messed him up pretty good. He came back with PTSD and ended up shooting my grandmother and himself a few years later. I decided I didn’t want that for my kid.”

Out of options, Anne didn’t know where to turn.

“I was at my wit’s end and about to just resign my child to a life of debt slavery. That’s when I got a call from Planned Parenthood telling me about this new procedure that makes it so you don’t have the kid at all. I was like, ‘shit, why didn’t I think of that?’”

Anne went through with the procedure the following week and is proud to report it was a complete success. The only student loans she has to worry about these days are the $84,238 she incurred in her two and a half years at the University of Phoenix.

With success stories like Anne’s, it’s not hard to see why abortions are becoming a popular tool for navigating America’s higher education system. However, despite the procedure’s growing popularity, it’s not without its critics.

“The notion that getting an abortion is the best way for people to afford college is a bit misleading,” said T. Henry Astor, a budget analyst for the American Exceptionalism Foundation. “The results of the study actually only apply to those in the lower  and middle classes. If you make more than $300,000 a year and have one or fewer children, college is still quite affordable and will continue to be so for at least another decade or two.

“We’re also forgetting about the indirect consequences of all this,” he added. “Our nation’s military relies on exorbitant college prices to entice high school kids to risk their lives for free school. Who is going to protect our freedom if the military can’t get new recruits from the economically disadvantaged? It’s possible we’d have to reinstitute the draft. I don’t think anyone wants that. And there’s also the simple fact that the federal government currently rakes in about $50 billion per year in student loan profits. If that dries up we’re going to have to raise taxes.”

“Taxes…,” Astor repeated, widening his eyes, waiving his hands threateningly above his head and making ghost sounds while he backed slowly out of the room.

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