Former human and eternally damned soul Joseph Wade Allen is cursing himself between howls of indescribable torture after barely missing the cut for admission to Heaven last Wednesday.
“We really thought he was going to make it,” shrugged St. Peter, press spokesman for God and leading figure on the Heaven Admissions Committee. “He used to swear a lot when he was young and got his score pretty deep in the hole, but the past few years he’d really started to turn things around.”
Allen, a 26 year-old engineer from New Jersey, was reportedly up a point until a late night television commercial for a new online game propelled him into a lust-fueled masturbation session in the hallway bathroom of his three bedroom rancher.
“It was neck and neck there towards the end,” said St. Peter. “It’s just such a shame he had to see Kate Upton riding that horse, boobs bouncing hypnotically to and fro, right before he slipped and fatally hit his head on the bathroom sink. Non-pornographic masturbation only carries a two point penalty nowadays, but that turned out to be enough to tip the scales.”
Mr. Allen’s infinitely pained soul shook its translucent head when asked for comment. “Yeah, I know it sucks, but I have only myself to blame, right? Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Maybe if I’d just gone to Church another time or put an extra dollar in the collection plate I wouldn’t be in this mess. Heck, part of the reason I became a Christian in the first place was the easier standard. No way I could have made it into Muslim or Mormon Heaven, you know? Not in America. Pastor Dave told me if I just showed up to Church and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart I’d be saved, but I guess I should have read the fine print.”
With proliferation of the Internet and an abundance of what experts refer to as “misdemeanor sin,” stories like this are becoming more common than ever.
“I tell people they have to be careful these days,” says senior NFFHC theologian Ralph Pinkerton, ThD. “There are just so many sins nowadays that people 100 or 200 years ago didn’t have access to. Of course Heaven has responded by ‘updating’ some of their scoring penalties and giving out better bonuses for good behavior, but God is always behind the times. It’s just not enough for many people. You can always appeal the Committee’s decision to Jesus through the power of prayer, but he usually doesn’t respond.”