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The Top Five Greatest Colors of All Time

256px-Colouring_pencilsWe all have our favorite colors. Maybe you’re a blue man while your neighbor likes his people eaters purple and your wife likes her monsters green. That’s all well and good, but the thing is, there’s a difference between these subjective assessments and the objective, highly scientific world of listicle ranking. What are the criteria for a truly great shade of visual light? Does it take a numerically provocative and controversial wavelength like 666 nm? Or is it being an egalitarian color like gray, which all sighted peoples can enjoy regardless of colorblindness? Maybe it’s being a part of famous holiday group like red and green at Christmastime? The truth is it’s not an easy question, and there are no bright line answers. Many factors make a great color, and no single aspect will put one over the top. That’s why we decided to defer to the experts for some real answers. After polling some of most well known and respected names in the field of color, we analyzed the results and came up with this short list of the Five Greatest Colors of All Time. Enjoy!

  1. Yellow

The color of cartoon suns, Texas roses and urine, where would the world be without this classic color? Would golden showers and tooth whitening kits still exist? Would America’s dog pounds incarcerate Labrador retrievers at a higher rate? Easily the most well known non-RGB color next to orange, yellow has long fascinated both scholars and laymen alike, and in fact yellow is among the oldest of colors.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but the Egyptians first discovered yellow nearly 5,000 years,” says Smithsonian Color Historian Theodore “Red” Pierce. “See, back then alcoholic beverages were very expensive and poorer Egyptians used to collect the urine of rich drunks and chug it in the hopes of catching a buzz. One day a curious Egyptian thought to look down at the collecting liquid and probably said to himself, ‘Just what the heck is that?’ This may seem hard to believe in the age of the modern flush toilet, but before that nobody even knew urine had a color since they pissed on the ground and their urine dispersed. It was a pretty big discovery at the time. There are actually several walls of hieroglyphics dedicated to the event in the Valley of the Kings. They thought the color was a gift from the sun god Ra.”

  1. Orange

You either love it or hate it, but everyone has to admit orange has been an extremely influential, even revolutionary color, its work paving the way for the dozens of non-RGB colors that came on the scene after it.

“Because non-RGB colors are so ubiquitous in media and popular culture nowadays, it’s easy to forget that before orange non-RGB colors weren’t even allowed on television,” says Kodak Noted Scholar Alvin Pickens, a color expert and self-described orange-aholic. “When my grandmother was a child, orange was an outlaw color. People called it ‘Satanic’ because of its association with Halloween. Heck, you can still watch old newsreel ads with blue-colored citrus fruits. Of course everyone knew a tangerine was orange, but it just wasn’t proper to show it on television.”

  1. Green

Spanning “Gaia’s 75” between 495-570 nm, unless you live in the heart of a big city you really can’t spend much time outside without encountering a whole lot of green. Between leaves, vegetables and poorly chlorinated pools, green is everywhere, and its legacy cannot easily be disregarded. However, that wasn’t always the case.

“For a long time there was this mentality that green was ‘the ugly one’ of the RGB colors,” says C.W. Berne, grandson of the inventor of Technicolor and 4K HD TV activist. “People used to hate nature. They called it the ‘savage’s house’ and considered it a part of America’s ‘Manifest Destiny’ to convert every square inch of unused land into parking lots and strip malls. There was even a longstanding movement to ban the use of greens in public buildings and parks. One town in Ohio went so far as to paint all its grass red. Nowadays these notions seem quaint and maybe even a little silly to us, but back then it really held green back. It’s a testament to just how great this color is that it could stick around and make such a comeback in the modern era.”

  1. Blue

The color of aristocratic blood, oxygen deprivation and France, even if blue isn’t your favorite color you have to give it grudging respect for sheer prolificness.

“Blue often gets a bad rap as being a hoity-toity color,” says Alfonse Jameson, Director of Color Studies at the Rhode Island School of Design. “We hear terms like blue blood and royal blue and think, ‘Oh, I guess blue is too good for me.’ That couldn’t be further from the truth. Blue comes in many shades that are perfectly accessible to the common man. I’m talking your baby blues, your sky blues, heck, even your robin’s egg blues. It’s actually a universal color, but people get turned off because it also embraces high society, and people take that to mean blue is exclusive.”

  1. Red

The ultimate classic. Nothing says red Ferrari like the color red. It’s the color of passion and love, of blood and vengeance, of menstruation and accidentally kneeing yourself in the nose drunkenly attempting a flip off the armrest of the couch. Whether it’s being used as the coloring for all the best candy flavors, as roses for that special someone or to paint an X on your neighbor’s front door, red is everything that makes us human, for better and for worse. A perennial powerhouse on critics’ best colors of the year lists, the choice of red has become something of a litmus test for good taste in colors.

“When I was first getting into this field, my mentor actually took me aside and told me, ‘Look, you have to write a paper on how great red is,’” says Jameson. “I took his advice seriously and, sure enough, my research paper, ‘Red: Greatest Color Ever,’ was very well received in peer review and managed to land me my first tenured position. I’m thankful for that, but sometimes I wonder what track my life would have taken if I had written it about yellow or green…or, god, even purple. Can you imagine?”

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Top Reasons to Continue Living

The offices of NFFHC have been closed for the last week due to a federal investigation surrounding our vending machines. In the meantime, please enjoy this little tidbit from our reject pile to tide you over.

  1. The Price is Right
  2. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors
  3. The power of Christ compels you.
  4. Spite
  5. Alcohol
  6. Klondike bars
  7. Turns out mom and dad do understand.
  8. Just joined the cult to get laid.
  9. Grandma’s old-fashioned homemade apple pie. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmm.
  10. It’s called responsibility!
  11. High as fuck on life.
  12. Foes still unvanquished.
  13. Have you seen what Obamacare and this president’s radical socialist agenda has done to let’s say the price of ammo?
  14. Still 10 oz short of beating Schweiderman Steakhouse’s 96 oz Challenge.
  15. Money.
  16. Wendy’s super value menu. No seriously. Eating until I hurt is the only think I have to live for right now.
  17. Because I believe in you, kid.
  18. Sex.
  19. Drugs.
  20. The Wise and Mighty Zoroaster.
  21. Rock ‘n’ Roll.
  22. My children, I guess.
  23. Ain’t no one gonna get my gold.
  24. Turns out the answer was inside you all along.

New “Econobot” Puts America’s Economists Out of Work

Economists around the nation are buzzing about the increased value accruing to society as a result of a new invention that has made all their jobs totally obsolete.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” said Norman Frankl, former economist and inventor of the device.  “This is what the free market is all about, folks. Services which used to cost consumers into the hundreds of dollars per hour plus a full benefits package can now be had for pennies.”

Frankl’s invention, called Econobot, consists of a lifelike, anthropomorphic robot programmed to use a comprehensive economics software suite called Efficient Market. From teaching undergrads and writing multivolume treatises to delivering cherry-picked data and partisan talking points to television news outlets, Econobot can replicate every service previously performed by the nation’s economists.

“It even has a ‘rogue’ function for producing contrarian podcasts and rant-based blogs,” says Frankl. “One time I set [my Econobot] Chester to rogue, and he played a prank on some snobby professor buddies of mine, tricking them into declaring Franzia top shelf French wine after changing the labels in a tasting game.”

Econobot also aims to imitate the various lifestyles of the professionals it replaces. Depending on user-defined settings, the robot can wear everything from a bow tie, suspenders and tweed to free t-shirts it forages from festivals it just happened to be walking by. It also requires no charging, instead running on heat generated by the chemical breakdown of bulk-purchased, wholesale ramen and Kraft Easy Mac.

Just as important, Econobot is capable of performing its functions through the lens of nearly every school of economic thought in a manner Forbes magazine gushed is “just as cold and borderline sociopathic as the discipline’s most influential human practitioners.”

“I don’t care if you’re a world famous academic or the armchair economist next door,” says inventor Frankl, “This thing can do your thing, and it can do it better. Keynesian or supply-sider, pre-modern, classical, Chicago school, Neo-Ricardian, gold bug, Austrian, Marxian, ecological, feminist. You name it. And it’s all further customizable by the user. There are 100 different settings for smugness alone.”

Before Econbot, the only people with the resources to obtain top flight economic insight were large corporations, educational institutions and governments. Everyone else seeking personalized economic analysis usually had to procure the services of lesser-known, independent economists working the street corners, infomercials and blogs of America. These “indy” economists generally practiced outside mainstream economic thought, which was not always appealing to some consumers.

This increase in consumer choice is a welcome change for most of the nation’s former economists, and Econobot agrees. Indeed, the general response among the former economics community at large has been one of jubilation as the gears of capitalistic progress grind what meager livelihood and meaning they had derived from life into ash and dust. Many are even committing suicide so as not to inefficiently leech off the economy’s resources in unemployment, since they no longer possess any marketable skills and will likely be unable to find another job anytime soon, if ever.

“This is a fantastic example of disruptive innovation,” said Malthus T. May, former economics professor at the University of Chicago, while standing in line at the Cook County unemployment office. “Some great new invention just came out of nowhere and totally changed how we look at the economics industry. Of course, you don’t need me to tell you that anymore. Just go down to your local Econobot retailer or one of the many websites offering free, ad-supported Econobot analysis.”

“It’s wonderful. Really, it is,” May insisted, digging through the crevices of his empty wallet. “So many people who previously could not afford the services of a top flight economist can now get exemplary economic analysis for next to nothing. Thank god Congress decided not to pass any inefficient, protectionist regulations which might have preserved my job at the cost of progress.”

A Very Special Guest Post on Alcoholism and Recovery

Alcoholism and drug addiction is one of the most serious problems facing the offices of NFFHC today. What follows is a guest post by renowned drug expert and addiction survivor Herbert Lumberdale. Born to a crack-addicted mother, then immediately stabbed and thrown in Lake Erie during the ‘70s, Mr. Lumberdale survived 3rd degree chemical burns only to be enslaved by one of America’s most prestigious meth labs in Little Rock, Arkansas. He has since overcome dozens of different dependencies, chemical and otherwise, in many cases on multiple occasions. With a combined 16 ½* years of sobriety**, he is one of the soberest people living in the state of Colorado today. His book, Addiction Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About, is available now as a self-published Amazon e-book and a popular chain letter.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE 12 STEPS?

Of all the bullshit ever purveyed by the world’s only unprofitable pyramid scheme, Alcoholic’s Anonymous, perhaps the most pernicious and fundamental is the notion that there need to be 12 steps in order to free yourself from addiction. Haven’t you already wasted enough of your life getting loaded, sleeping it off and trying to figure out where you left your credit card?

But what’s a drunk to do? After all, many people seem to have gotten sober with AA, so some of these steps must work, right? Sure. The question is: which ones are doing the work?  I contend that there are really only three necessary steps, and the rest may be discarded. In fact, experienced habit breakers may actually need only two or even one. The choice is up to you. But, as with any ideology, I suggest you educate yourself before you hop on the bandwagon. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society:

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE 12 STEPS:

  • “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Analysis:  If you have no power over booze, how the fuck do you expect to overcome it? Certainly your life is manageable enough if you’re reading literature on how to stop drinking, right? Trust me. Rock bottom is deeper than you think. I know. I grew up in a meth lab/opium poppy greenhouse that sold counterfeit souvenir mugs on the side. Unmanageable isn’t getting wasted every night after work. It’s drinking half a can of gasoline before you realize it’s not whiskey. If you can show up at meetings on a regular basis, you don’t have a serious problem.

  • “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Analysis: No, they’re not talking about a gun to their heads. They’re talking about the most influential being in pro-sports, God, aka the big man upstairs. They have a real hard on for this guy. Didn’t some scientists in the ‘60s actually prove once and for all that God doesn’t exist? In any case, if you’re praying to God for help you’re basically taking your directions from the ceiling, and if you’re talking to your ceiling you have bigger problems than booze. Any success you achieve in this step would be entirely coincidental.

  • “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

Analysis:  This is basically the same damn thing as the last one. I like that they add in that little part about “as we understand Him,” a statement which makes a lot of unwarranted assumptions, the first of which is that if such a deity did exist that it must be a dude. In any case, it’s a meaningless step.

  • “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Analysis: You can keep this one if you want, but I prefer having what goes under the rug stay under the rug. There is no such thing as a truly fearless moral inventory. Our delusions, our instincts, our obsessions, our opinions, they are impossibly intertwined with our conscious minds and will never allow us to be completely honest with ourselves, nor to fully scrape clean the tar and muck from the grimy, Dickensian streets of our subconscious. Sure, it’s easy enough to remember when you stole $20 from the collection plate to go buy a couple handles of Skoal, but that’s not facing yourself. That’s the classic deceptive technique of hiding a big lie by admitting to a smaller one, except in this case you’re deceiving yourself. There are about 100 of these gatekeepers running around any person’s head before you get to the truth. In other words, it’s hopeless. You’re never going to truly face yourself, so why the fuck bother? Not to mention, if you’re an all star drunk, the kind who really needs help, you’re literally not going to remember the worst shit you did because you were blotto and probably a couple other things at the time.

  • “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

Analysis: My primary problem with all these steps is the repetition. Once again, this is essentially the same thing as the last step. I guess admitting the wrongs you can identify to your ceiling and then to another human being are slightly different, but not really. Trash it.

  • “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Analysis: I’m still under the impression that the enduring popularity of Christianity isn’t in the moral foundation people think it provides but in the legal loophole. How wonderful if there was a service that would come in and take all the months-old vomit and miscellaneous feces from under my ethical rug, wipe it up with a smile, and require nothing besides convincing myself I believe as payment? I also don’t like what’s implicit in the statement. Namely, that your alcoholism is caused by defects of character. Don’t they also teach that alcoholism is a disease? Diseases are caused by real life problems with your body, not some cockamamie, moralist’s hogwash like “defects of character.” Does a schizophrenic just need to admit that he’s a lying sonuvabitch and magically his brain will function normally?

  • “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Analysis: First of all, there’s nothing humble about thinking you have a direct line to the Creator of the Universe and that He cares enough to listen to you. Second, if He’s God, He’ll see what’s coming next when you become ready to have God remove all these defects. No need to ask this repetitive question. Trash it.

  • “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Analysis: What? They hate you and probably for good reason. No need to go open up old wounds. I’m sure Mom has gotten over the $2,058.26 I stole from her purse by now and my ex Melissa has stopped cringing every time she hears the word “beer-battered.”

  • Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Analysis: Ah, okay. Step 1: Become willing to make amends. Step 2: Stand up and get in a car or other suitable mode of transportation (or should that be two steps?). Step 3: Make amends. Please. This is just more repetitive, unnecessarily detailed garbage. Sounds to me like they thought their Big Book wasn’t quite big enough, so they added some extra shit you had to do. I know I’m starting to sound repetitive myself, but that’s just because it’s the same problem over and over again. You guys know what you need to do. Just do it. In any case, I think I can make a case that making amends to anyone I know could potentially injure them emotionally and perhaps even physically.

  • “Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

Analysis: This kills me. I think it’s the step most responsible for all the smugness AA people have—like they’re fucking enlightened because they put down the bottle and started praying, and so now they can see all their wrongs. The answer to this one is the same as the fearless moral inventory one. Most of people’s biggest defects are cause by a lack of honesty with themselves. True honesty is virtually impossible. Taking a personal inventory is irrelevant if you’re blind. Don’t bother.

  • “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

Analysis: Total filler. More of the same. Skip it.

  • “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Analysis: This is the pyramid scheme part of AA. Stay sober by trying to help others get sober and ride the wave of good feelings that come with it. Trust me. You won’t be awakened. You’ll just be more sanctimonious, which admittedly is almost as good a feeling as booze. Good enough that you might be tempted to replace booze with it.

THE THREE STEP PROGRAM

So what are we left with then? Well, really all the steps as written need to be removed or rewritten. Here’s what I say the steps can be whittled down to:

  1. Admit you have a problem.
  2. Stop drinking so damn much. How much is entirely up to you. For me that means no more than a sixer a day. I don’t get drunk off beer, so it’s okay. Plus, it’s rich in antioxidants and let’s say vitamins. I limit it to that more just to save money, and so I can keep sporting my trim figure.
  3. Learn to love the feeling of being better than other people, which you are now that you’ve defeated the demon of alcohol addiction. Lecture people every chance you get.

So there you have it. Easy-peasey, mac and beer-cheesy. Stay as sober as you want my friends. It’s only a “problem” by the definitions of our culturally biased dictionaries. You don’t need some pipe-smoking, tweed-blazer-wearing, university fruitcake telling you how to live. You can define words how you want.

BONUS!

Here are my abridged programs for the experienced or particularly strong of will:

Two Step:

  1. Admit you have a problem.
  2. Stop drinking so damn much.

One Step:

  1. Stop drinking damn much. Technically you don’t need to admit you have a problem to stop.

*Combined through multiple periods.

**Sobriety as defined by his copyrighted three step program

Four Examples of Shameless Corporate Greenwashing

By K. Billy Zoroastrian, NFFHC Founder, Persona Emeritus

I guess I should start by clarifying that I’m not against environmentalism. I like the EPA. I like the National Parks System. I’m glad we have people making sure companies don’t rape and pillage every last ounce of this planet just to squeeze a couple more cents per share into the fiscal year. What I don’t like, are causes du jour being used to manipulate our behavior. A classic example is what some have called “greenwashing,” the selling of substandard and/or overpriced shit to consumers on the grounds that it’s good for the environment. That’s not to say than any company touting the environmental bona fides of a product are greenwashing consumers. Like most things in life, it’s a matter of degree. Touting a coffee cup as made of recycled materials is fine. Pulling a used coffee cup out of the trash and calling it “recycled” is not. Submitted for your righteous indignation, the four most egregious greenwashes I’ve seen.

  1. Valvoline™ NextGen™ Oil

In high school I used to help a buddy of mine work on cars. The most common thing we did was change the oil. One time I accompanied him down to Wal-Mart to buy some fresh O for his hoopty. He insisted on getting Pennzoil® and, because I’m a cheapskate who buys generic whenever possible, I asked why he didn’t buy the much cheaper off-brand. He said cheap oil like that is refurbished and does an inferior job of protecting the engine. By refurbished he meant they take used oil, filter out the dirty engine bits and resell it. In laymen’s terms, it’s recycled. Now, regardless of whether he was right about refurbished being worse for your engine, one thing is indisputable: it’s considerably cheaper to produce than regular oil.

Fast forward 15 years to the present day. I show up at Valvoline to get an oil change. Though they still offer their regular oil, the default oil change option is now what they call “NextGen™,” and they’re pushing it like penis enlargement pills and one weird tricks. I ask them what the stuff was and find out that it’s not NextGen™ in the sense of being a brilliant new formula (at least not for consumers). It’s NextGen™ in the sense that it’s a recycled version of some old shit someone pumped out of another car. They claim Valvoline™’s tireless commitment to the environment motivated the company to come up with this new formula, which sounds about as rock solid as Phillip Morris’s tireless commitment to keep kids from smoking or a mobster who claims he only kills people who “had it coming.”

Anywho, the mechanic asked me if I wanted to “go green” and put this shit in my car, adding that they offered this dubious service at “no extra charge.” How fucking generous! They’re giving me the shit that costs half as much to produce at no extra charge. I almost wished they charged more for it than their regular oil. That would require such a shameless set of granite testicles I might actually respect it. But the price point they’re actually charging is just slimy.

No thanks.

If they were really doing it for the environment they would offer it at a lower price relative to new oil since it costs them less to produce. In reality, it’s just an excuse to dupe consumers into paying more for cheaper shit. Demand new oil. Better yet, demand they throw away your old oil so they can’t just filter it and sell it to the next poor schlub who comes in there.

  1. Not Replacing Towels at Hotels

Practically every goddamn hotel does this now. When you check in you’ll usually find some passive aggressive note by the towels saying that, in the interest of preventing the planet from becoming a smoldering heap of polar bear ash, they won’t replace your dirty towels unless you request it. Or at the more generous hotels they’ll only do it without request every four days or so. Many also extend this practice to the sheets. This is basically like McDonald’s classic efficiency play of only giving you ketchup packets if you request them. In that case, though, the motivation is obvious and straightforward, so it doesn’t really qualify as a dupe. Plus, I figure most people who really like their ketchup would request it every time anyway, just to make sure.

What the hotels are doing, on the other hand, is passing off increased profit margins as civic mindedness. They don’t give two shits about adorable polar bear cubs. What they want is to save millions of dollars per year through their customers’ inconvenience. That in itself doesn’t necessarily bother me. People create businesses to make money, after all. Greed isn’t so bad. It lubricates the invisible dick of capitalism, which helps a lot of us get laid. What pisses me off is the deception and the shamelessness of it. Stealing is bad, but stealing from the collection plate is worse.

And that’s just it. I could actually care less if my towels are cleaned every day. I doubt I clean my towels at home more than once a month. I’d actually straight up admire them if they passed the savings on to the customer in the form of lower room rates, but only the most fanatical of free market zealots really believe they’re going to do that, so fuck ‘em.

  1. Ethanol Gasolines

Another car-related greenwashing scam, ethanol gasolines are fuels made of a combination of denatured ethanol (poisoned booze) and gasoline. It comes in two varieties: E10, which is a fuel mixture of 90% gasoline and 10% ethanol, and E85, which contains 51 to 83% ethanol and the rest as gasoline. They claim it’s better for the environment both because it produces fewer emissions and because the corn used to produce the ethanol is a renewable resource. Both are kind of a crock of shit. E10 pisses me off the most, though, since it’s sold to people with regular cars, often with only some fine print on the pump to inform you that what you’re buying isn’t pure gas. E85, on the hand, is only sold to people with engines that are built to handle it, so I assume they’re better informed about what they’re getting into. Not that I think that’s cool, either.

In any case, ethanol fuels are a wonderful amalgamation of political pandering to special interest groups and blatant consumer deception. Gasoline engines can run on ethanol gasoline, but that doesn’t mean it’s the same thing as pure unleaded. For one thing, it gets worse gas mileage than using pure gas, on the order of 15-30% worse for E85. Ethanol fuels are also worse for your engine that ol’ fashioned unleaded, so much so that using a high ethanol blend can void warranties.

But what really gets me about this is that it’s passed off as going green because it supposedly reduces car emissions a little bit. And you know what? It doesn’t even do that. What proponents never include in the calculation are the emissions to produce it. Producing corn ethanol is a net energy loss, requiring an estimated input of 131,000 BTUs of energy to get a mere 77,000 BTUs. So corn ethanol might produce fewer emissions when burned in your car, but the overall emissions for production and use combined are far higher. What corn ethanol is, is a very beneficial new market for America’s most unsung welfare recipients: farmers. Like I said, making ethanol from corn is wonderfully inefficient, which means it requires massive quantities of Midwestern gold (the production of which is already subsidized by the government btdubs).

  1. Overpriced, Inefficiently Produced Locally-Sourced Produce

It doesn’t seem to matter that locally-sourced vegetables on average have a greater carbon footprint than products grown in an ideal climate and trucked halfway around the world. The imagined efficiency of local sourcing makes enough intuitive sense to fool most consumers (myself included) into paying more to think they’re helping the planet. Sure, transportation emissions are greater for stuff produced a long way from where they’re sold, but transportation emissions are only a fraction of the emissions that go into producing fruits and vegetables.

If this doesn’t seem to make sense, think about an example: hydroponic tomatoes grown in a greenhouse in Minnesota and sold locally versus tomatoes grown outdoors in South America and delivered to Minnesota. For those who don’t know, Minnesota is cold as fuck and keeping a hydroponics lab climate-controlled and pumping water into the maters requires a lot of energy—a lot more than is expended trucking South American tomatoes halfway around the world. But that doesn’t stop local producers from charging twice as much under the banner of environmental protection.

That’s not to say locally-sourced can’t be more efficient. It’s just that, like most stuff, it’s more complex than it seems, so don’t assume you’re doing Mother Nature a solid by buying locally. If you really care about the environment you can take the time and do a little research to make up your mind for yourself.

 

 

 

America’s Last Overt Prejudice

America these days likes to think of itself as a nation where prejudice and hate are no longer acceptable in polite society. Yes, we say, overt racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry still exist among outliers, but it’s no longer something your average American tolerates. No longer can someone casually spout racist, homophobic, sexist and/or religious slurs without a second thought. Women can have careers. Gays aren’t ostracized. African Americans don’t have to drink from separate fountains. That crap is all in the past, right?

Totally. Today’s problems are about subtler forms of discrimination. We’re beyond overt bigotry, right?

I hate to burst your bubble, but no, we’re not. There still exists one perfectly acceptable prejudice that everyone from employers to news broadcasters to doctors practices. I experienced this prejudice last week at a clothing store. I experienced it last month when the man seated next to me on the plane moved a to different row. Just last week my movie theater’s manager reminded me of it as I tried to take my seat at a film. I’ve experienced this prejudice at countless job interviews where I just wasn’t “what they were looking for.” I feel it under the weight of almost every waiter’s judging eye. I’ve endured it through countless sanctimonious lectures from my doctor, my family and my so-called friends. What is this prejudice, you ask? What form of hate could still be so pervasive in a nation that just elected its first African American President? I’m talking, of course, about heavy drinking people.

So I drink more than most. So what? I didn’t realize teetotaling was a requirement for trying on pants or flying on an airplane. I didn’t see the sign out front of the theater or the restaurant that said “Sobers Only.” And you know what Dr. Know-It-All? I’m sorry to ask, but what do my drinking habits have to do with this checkup? I’m here for medical advice, not a lecture. Here’s a tip: people can be happy and healthy at any BAC. In fact, there is no legitimate scientific evidence linking heavy drinking to health problems. None. What was that? You were taught it damages the liver? Well guess what? Thousands of sobers end up dying of liver failure every year, too. How do you explain that? Did they hang out with too many drunkies? What do you tell their families? That maybe you don’t know everything and perhaps you’ve just been brainwashed by our alcohol-obsessed media?

What the medical establishment doesn’t want you to know and what doctors routinely ignore are the multitude health benefits alcohol provides, among them stress reduction, lower blood pressure and heart health. On top of that, many forms of alcohol are chock full of cancer-fighting antioxidants. But do we ever hear about these sorts of things from healthcare professionals or all the other drunk-shamers out there? Of course not.

Organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous and Mothers Against Drunk Driving are held up by our society as “noble” institutions fighting the good fight against some evil scourge. But let’s call them out for what they really are: hate groups spreading a pernicious lie that there is something somehow wrong with being a drunk. AA purveys a brain washing technique called the “12 Steps” in which convinces otherwise healthy, happy drunks that alcoholism is a disease caused by “defects of character,” and that only by divine intervention can the moral black hole that is a drunk find solace from this horrible affliction. Meanwhile, the rabble-rousing busybodies over at MADD continue to spread propaganda about drunks as dangerous behind wheel, framing all car accidents in which the driver was drunk as automatically being the fault of alcohol and the drinker. They were probably inhaling air right before the crash, too. Are you going to start crusading against breathing?

I dream of living in a world where people will not be judged by the color of their license plate, but by the content of their character. It’s as if people forget the humanity in my heart the moment they see the glaze in my eyes or smell the whiskey on my breath. Their narrow-mindedness prevents them from seeing through the drunken stupor to the person beneath—a person with real thoughts and feelings who is only partially insulated from the stab of their insults. Do I not work and love and laugh as much as the next? Is 99.78% of my blood not red?  Where do they get off telling me I need help?

But really, I pity the drunk-shamers. To live with that kind of hate in their heart must be a terrible burden. Hate is a prison. All of the world’s greatest philosophers preached this. So many people have come to see that they’re wrong about race, about gender, about sexual orientation, and freed themselves from their prejudice. Are people incapable of seeing that they might be wrong about alcohol “abuse,” too? Does everyone not deserve equality?

Basic respect and the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are not BAC-dependent. I implore you. Look into your heart of hearts and ask yourself: are drunks not human beings? Do they not deserve dignity and respect? I’m talking about equality, people. Real equality. Is that not the most basic principle at the core of this great land called America?

How to Make Acting a Safe Career Choice

Trading Excess Potential Payout for Better Odds of Success as a Means of Making Dream Jobs Safer, More Feasible Career Options

One time when I was a child, our teachers gathered us in the gym to hear the principal speak about planning for our future. I don’t remember much about the speech, but one thing did stick with me: his talk about the foolishness of trying to become a professional athlete. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with being a pro athlete. His point was the same point most of us make to anyone who thinks they’re going to go pro in something fun: the odds that you’ll succeed are extremely low. Even if you’re an amazing player, even if you’re the best in your whole school, that odds are still stacked high against you. It’s a gamble, in other words, and you’re wagering a piece of your life. You’re putting a tremendous amount of time and effort into playing this sport, time and effort you could be expending on learning a more marketable skill, so if you don’t succeed you might not have a lot of alternatives. And odds are you won’t succeed.

This problem is inherent to all occupations that are what I call high-reward-high-risk careers (HRHR). I’m talking about things like acting, art, music, and, yes, sports. These tend to be fields that a lot of people enjoy doing in and of themselves and are highly competitive. Therefore, you must have the skill or luck of a god to succeed. They’re basically the career equivalent of investing in highly speculative stocks. Sure, there’s a chance you’ll become filthy rich, but more than likely you’ll lose your money. As with most financial things, prudent people take the smaller reward with safer odds.

The thing is, it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s no law of nature that says you must risk it all to pursue a dream job of this variety. Many people who want to enter these fields would be happy to settle for a simple living wage in order to be part of them. Sure, maybe some people are attracted to them because of the big bucks they see the top performers get (sports in particular), but the people who really love the fields don’t even care if they got rich off of them, they just want assure they won’t end up unemployed and homeless in the future before pursuing them as a career.

Take acting, for example. My girlfriend’s brother is doing a master’s program in Theater and wants to be a professional actor. He is well aware that the odds he’ll succeed are slim and that getting a master’s degree is going to saddle him with a lot of debt for a skill that’s not very marketable. It’s a gamble, but he does it because he loves acting. Not that he wouldn’t want the big bucks, but I’m sure he’d jump at the opportunity to make a living wage at it instead. The point is being able to do what he loves for a living, not getting rich and famous. If there were some way he could act professionally that just paid the bills he would be happy to take it.

I think there is such a way.

By the nature of HRHR careers, a few people get tons of reward and the rest get nothing or next to nothing. But, what if there were a way to spread that reward around, and therefore, the risk? What I’m talking about is a sort of HRHR insurance, though it would function more by means of a contractual vehicle between professionals than from a payment premiums in the event of disaster like most insurance. People who aren’t yet making the big bucks can’t, after all, pay premiums. The way it would work is a certain number of HRHR professionals get together and agree to pay a certain percentage of their earnings for a certain period of time (the agreement could last for life, but I think that’s a bit much) into a trust fund in the event they are successful. This trust fund, then is used to supplement the incomes of the rest of the parties to the agreement whose incomes are below a certain threshold so that they may pursue the work they want without having to worry about whether it pays enough for them to survive.

The underlying logic of this is that the odds that any given one of them will succeed are low, but get a big enough group together and the odds that someone in that group will succeed become quite high. For example, if you get 1,000 serious (as discussed below, strict screening with a high bar will probably be necessary for this to work), professional actors together, the odds that any given one of them picked at random will become a famous celeb and make millions a picture are low, but the odds that someone in the group will become a famous celeb making millions are quite high. It will certainly take some math and careful planning to figure out a feasible number with an appropriate standard, but as the group gets bigger there will be a sweet spot where it is big enough that success is all but guaranteed for at least one person in the group. And if more are successful, that’s all the better.

The real question, then, is whether the size of that group will be small enough that the people who do become highly successful will make enough to support the rest of the group. This is why screening is so important. The group itself must ensure that its size does not get so large that the potential payout makes it no longer worth it. Therefore, the group must screen applicants for quality and seriousness to ensure they actually have a halfway decent shot of succeeding, which may entail some very stiff competition. There is still no absolute guarantee anyone will succeed, but even if the group must be kept to a size to make the potential payout worthwhile, and that only gives them a 1 in 3 shot of someone in the group succeeding, that’s still far better than the 1 in a 1,000 or more odds they would get on their own.

Screening also goes to the issue of motivation. The problem is you might get some people who try to get on board one of these with no intent to truly try, but simply to collect the check when one of the others becomes successful. Screening these sorts out is, of course, no easy task, but it should be possible to limit these sorts enough to make whole project tenable. After all, most of the people who go into HRHR professions do so out of a passion for the field. How many artists or actors or famous musicians are simply in it for the money? If that was all they wanted they would be far better off going into investment banking.

So yes, even with something like this in place, HRHR occupations will probably still have some risk to them. The point isn’t to make this sort of thing risk free. No career is. Plenty of people go to med school and don’t become the type (or any type) of doctor they wanted to be. The point is to make it a reasonable level of risk. Functionally, it’s not much different than 100 people buying 100 lotto tickets and agreeing to split the jackpot. They increase their odds of success 100 fold while still expending the same amount of money and incurring the same level of risk. The idea is that they are willing to exchange some of the potential reward for getting better odds because they view the reduced reward as still worth it. Really, it’s a balancing act. They’re trading excess potential reward to improve the horribly low odds.

The beauty of these sorts of agreements is they cost people nothing extra on the front end to sign up. For HRHR pros, if none of them succeed they have spent nothing other than the time and effort of trying to succeed in such a career, something they would have expended anyways trying to become an HRHR pro. But there’s a good chance one of them will succeed and they’ll all get a moderate payout for doing what they love, which hopefully will allow them to continue doing what they love.

 

We’re All Welfare Queens

One thing I hate about discussing politics with pretty much anyone is how little people tend to realize the extent of the benefits they receive from the government. Most people have a tendency to notice only the most direct of government benefits (particularly those that they don’t receive themselves), as if the only benefits the government provides to some groups and not to others are cash payments. And I’m not just talking about oblivious morons who think welfare and food stamps don’t count as help. I’m talking about the subtler ways people benefit at another’s expense and don’t even realize it. The government provides all sorts of benefits to everyone, not just the people getting a US Treasury check in the mail.

A good example is deliveries performed by the US Postal Service. Believe it or not, the US Government subsidizes rural living. How? Well, guess what’s a huge pain the ass for mail carriers? Delivering to rural homes out in the middle of nowhere. It takes a lot of extra time and gas to deliver a given amount of letters when the houses are all half a mile apart, so delivering 100 letters to 100 rural homes costs the Postal Service far more time and money than does delivering 100 letters to 100 urban homes. But guess what? No matter where you’re sending a letter, the price of the stamp to get it there costs the same amount and package deliveries are based on size and weight, not location.

In other words, Uncle Sam and leechy, socialist, city dwellers like me are subsidizing the lifestyles of hardscrabble, independent, red meat rural folks who think they’ve never sucked at the teat of government a day in their lives. I’m literally paying a rural living tax to keep them in their current lifestyle every time I pay to send a letter or package that goes to an urbanite instead of a country mouse, which in practice is basically every letter or package.

And you know what? I don’t care.

There’s nothing wrong with this situation. It makes sense from a public policy standpoint. Everyone should be able to have access to affordable delivery service. It’s good for our economy and promotes increased market participation, something which benefits all of us, myself included. Plus, I just like living in a country where people have the choice of what type of place they want to live in.

So my only point is this: get off your damn high horse about how independent you are. None of us are Ron Swanson. We all suck off the government teat in some way.

Consider public schooling. Unless you’re a diehard libertarian, most people agree that having universal education is a good thing, and whether the parents have “earned” the right for their children to attend school is irrelevant. Having an educated populace is extremely beneficial to our economy in countless ways. It increases productivity, advances technology and promotes the flow of ideas. After all, if your postman doesn’t know how to read, he might have an issue getting that package of ammo you ordered to your survivalist compound in Montana.

But, that said, some people get a better deal than others out of the public education system, at least on the surface. If the schools in your area are funded through property taxes, people with more valuable properties will pay a higher tax despite the fact that their kids will go to the exact same school (if they even have kids). The fairest way to do it, at least in the sense of treating everyone identically, would be to charge a flat rate per child to all parents sending their kids to the school. This is, in effect, how private schools work. The problem is, if universal education and the massive economic benefits that come with it are your goal, that’s never going to work. Some people will inevitably be unable or unwilling to pay the fees, and their kids won’t attend the schools. So having wealthier tax payers in some way subsidize the poorer tax payers is really the only practical option. Therefore, unless you have above average property values or income (or however your schools are funded) or no kids (like me), someone is effectively subsidizing your child’s education.

But once again, I don’t care.

For any sort of public thing, be it a school, a road, a library, a stoplight, a pool, a park, a court, a rec center or a free digital television signal coverter box when we made that switch from analog to digital, one group of people is always going to be subsidizing another. Typically, the subsidized group is going to be the one making below average wages or using the public thing more than others. But just because you’re making a little less than the local average or use the local library or park a little more than average doesn’t make you some leeching welfare queen. It’s just how things must work as a practical matter.

And just because you don’t use a public thing directly doesn’t mean you don’t benefit from it, either. A wealthy business owner who never sends kids to the local public school might still benefit from it in the form of having a better educated workforce that performs a better job at his company, which allows the company to succeed and make mad stacks of Benjies.

People never think this way, though. It’s always about the simplest, most direct causes and effects and the most immediate, short-term burdens. But the world isn’t a zero sum game. Too many people in America act like the piñata just burst open and they need to scramble and jam as much candy in their pockets as possible before it’s too late. This is counterproductive. Fighting and blaming are always counterproductive. There are many massive benefits our civilization can only realize through cooperation. Of course, it’s impossible to know the complete trail of effects any given policy has, and sometimes public programs really are unfair or a horrible idea. I’m not saying that any public program is a good thing just because of the myriad benefits we might not even think about. I’m just saying we need to think a little bit deeper about the total costs and benefits of these programs and not just who is footing the bill right this moment.

Wake Up America! (Part III)

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate. From time to time, NFFHC will reprint articles from our sister publications which the editorial staff have deemed of exceptionally high quality and particularly important or relevant to the modern world. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana. It is the third in a four part series of letters on the topic from American citizen and freelance man-of-letters Randy Miller.

America is on Trial America!

To the Editor and Readers of the Greensburg Observer,

I am at wits end tonight. I write this letter to the good readers of the Greensburg Observer on what is likely the last night of my trial. The jury is out, and come tomorrow morning I will likely hear my fate. As avid readers of my letters know, I am currently “on trial” for “practicing medicine without a license.” I use quotes because both the charge and the very notion that this is a real trial by a jury of my peers is ludicrous. The only person who has a right to put me on trial is our Lord God in Heaven, blessed be His name.

Oh, but I will not roll over! They would love to see that, wouldn’t they? To see me break. They think because I am a God-fearing man with the courage to live my life according to Biblical principles that I will just turn the other cheek? Heck no! As a great orator once said, “As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice.” Amen brother. Fight I have and fight I shall!

And fight I must, because whatever the outcome, I will only sleep soundly if I know I never gave in. I didn’t play their little game, and, regardless of what happens tomorrow, they’ve lost. Really, this trial was about scoring political points for the powers that be. The outcome was a foregone conclusion. The real battle is the test of wills. Tomorrow, they’ll discover all they’ve accomplished is attempt to imprison an innocent man. My voice is as loud as it has ever been. They didn’t break me, and—just as importantly—the country has heard the Truth. I represented myself proudly in what is doubtless the trial of the decade for our humble county, and what history might prove to be the trial of the century for our (once) great country.

In the words of the great Republican emancipator Abraham Lincoln, “There is no grievance that is the fit object of redress by mob law.” These words are as true today as they were when written. And who is it but the mob who would cry for blood when a man has the audacity to exercise his constitutional freedoms? Freedom of speech. Freedom of religion. Freedom to direct the medical care of one’s children. Freedom to perform that medical care on one’s children. Freedom to purse happiness—to engage in a free market capitalist exchange to repair the knee of a neighbor without burdensome regulations and interference by government bureaucrats. It’s no wonder medical care is so expensive in this country. Where else was old Joe going to get orthopedic surgery done for $200 and a case of his famous winter home brew? Do you know how expensive orthopedic surgery can be?

They say these laws are for the public’s benefit, but who really benefits here besides the powers that be and the medical cartel? You think old Joe could afford this surgery otherwise? As a proud citizen he rejects all forms of socialism including Social Security, Medicare and public libraries. His sole source of income comes from the homemade zip guns he builds himself and sells door to door in our neighborhood. No entrepreneurial American like that can afford the outrageous rates “licensed doctors” are charging for surgeries without giving in to the system. Since Joe can’t pay their impossible rates in cash they expect him to pay with his independence and self respect—to become another little piglet suckling at the engorged teat of the state. No doubt after Mayor Travers and his goon squad are done with Joe he’ll break down and sign up for Medicare. But it’s okay. I forgive you Joe. Not everyone has the stomach for such a fight, and I know you’re already weak at the knees.

I wish, dear citizens, you could have seen this trial. Since I knew all the witnesses had already been bought by Comrade Travers and Police Commissar Stabler, I didn’t even bother cross examining the prosecution’s witnesses—including their so called “medical experts”—or calling any witnesses of my own. I sat in silence throughout the entire trial, staring down the witnesses and letting the jury know that I knew this whole thing was a farce. The only thing I did do was shake my head in disgust when Joe looked over at me.

The closing statement was where I knew I was going to make my last stand. I prepared the speech into the small hours of last night, with only coffee and my pocket copy of the Constitution to inspire me. Now, I’m not an arrogant man, but I must say it was one of the finest of the many speeches I have written. I reproduce it here, in part, for your enlightenment. From the original notes:

“Ladies and gentlemen of the so-called jury of my peers: I stand before you today in what doubtless you assume to be among my last free moments. I want you to know that I know your opinions have been bought.” At this moment the prosecution’s attorney objected, but the judge—perhaps feeling a little remorse or feeling secure in the knowledge that he had a guilty verdict—told that ‘persecutioner’ not to worry about it and to just let me continue.

I courageously cleared my throat and continued. “But I don’t hold this against you. I realize it can be a cruel, tough world out there and you have to do what you can for yourself and your family to survive. But let me appeal to your higher ideals for a moment. As the great American and rightful Nobel Peace Prize winner Ronald Reagan once said, “‘History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap.’ By finding me guilty, by selling your votes for a month’s rent or a couple car payments, you are indeed make aggression cheap. You are making tyranny an attractive proposition.”

“Fellow citizens, do you remember the first time you saw the Statue of Liberty? Her green stained copper face? That look in her eye telling the downtrodden of the world to come hither? That ever so slightly plunging neck line that tells you she may be Lady Liberty, but she is no lady? I take a pilgrimage to visit the statue every year. I pray to her for courage, for Truth and Justice, but most all I pray to her for Freedom.”

“The Founding Fathers—now important angels in Heaven—are no doubt watching this trial. They are watching you and you had better believe will be judging you. Judging you with righteous indignation at what you are doing to their beloved country. I ask you jurors, is that what you really want?”

“I will be praying to the Founding Fathers tonight. I will pray to George Washington for courage. To Ben Franklin for wisdom. To Alexander Hamilton for dueling prowess. Most of all, however, I will be praying to all of them for your souls. May their blessed hearts find in them mercy and forgiveness at the crimes committed in this court. Oh yes, this may be my criminal trial, but I submit that it is in fact you who are the criminals and you who are on trial.

“I consider myself a student of all schools of medicine, and even I’ll admit that removing an appendix is best done through Western-style surgery. But the healing process can be greatly enhanced through faith-based procedures. So my theory is this: perhaps faith can heal other organs? You see, I have faith in you dear jurors. Faith that your hearts will heal and you will see Truth, Justice and the error of your ways.

“Let me end by once again quoting the Great Emancipator, “Let every American, every lover of liberty, every well wisher to his posterity, swear by the blood of the Revolution, never to violate in the least particular, the laws of the country; and never to tolerate their violation by others.”

God Bless,

Randy Miller

12 Skills Every Man Should Know

  1. How to fight dirty. Remember the three D’s: dirt in the eyes, dick punches, and deals. Nothing disables an opponent like hurling something in their eyes and delivering a swift blow to the junk. If these fail, though, stay calm. Just bring out your trump card: the deal. The deal consists of the three S’s: sobbing, saying sorry and sucking up. Start with the waterworks and move on to a tearful plea for forgiveness. Getting on your knees and putting your hands together in prayer is highly recommended. Hopefully, at this point, they’ll be too disgusted to even want to fight and will just walk away. If that doesn’t work, though, make the deal. Offer straight cash or other assets in exchange for dispensing with the ass kicking. Once a deal is struck and they start walking away, then you run up and administer a kick to the balls. If you gave them money, take it back at this point and run like hell.
  2. How to make a proper Tom Collins. Forget martinis or craft whiskey or whatever other bullshit is popular. The most timeless drink of all time is a good, old-fashioned Tom Collins. I mean, who doesn’t love a nice, frosty TC? It’s known as the Bulgaria of cocktails and for good reason. I usually fill up a coffee pitcher and take it out to the apartment pool to watch the co-eds from the nearby community college tanning themselves.
  3. How to get a pity lay. This sometimes comes in handy with the co-eds from the nearby community college. Here are the three C’s of getting a pity lay: cancer, cancer, and cancer. Cancer is the perfect disease for the pity lay. It’s deadly, painful and, most importantly, not contagious. Even better, everyone knows it’s not contagious, so they don’t have to take your word for it. You’d be amazed how many people in this day and age still think they can get hepatitis just shaking my hand. Anyways, remember to use tact. How you drop the C-bomb can be the difference between disgust and lust. PRO TIP: Shave your head to make it look like you just went through chemo. Then, moan loudly and say “Oh god, these anti-cancer drugs.”
  4. How to make a deceptive Match.com profile. Rule one: use an actual photo of yourself. Rule two: Photoshop the hell out of it. I could write a whole article about Photoshopping your Match profile, so I’ll just say this: you want to make your biceps fucking massive. Women love big ass biceps. I’m talking the kind that look like you stuffed a melon under your skin. If a woman doesn’t think you can get ‘roids, she’s not going to think you can get her, either. Also, give yourself a sweet set of abs and some long Fabio hair. When they meet you can just say you cut your hair and they’re not going to see your abs (at least until lay-ter, lol!!!). They might be a little disappointed when they meet you, but they’re already there and will probably be too hungry to turn down a “free” meal regardless of what you really look like. Just as a side note, spend wisely. If dinner goes well and you think you’re gonna get laid, be a man and pay for dinner and shit. If she’s some feminist, Tumblrina bitch who doesn’t want to fuck you, tell her you’re going to the bathroom and then just leave. Let her get stuck with the bill. How’s that for equality?
  5. How to stuff your pants. Women love a huge dong. No doubt about it. Unfortunately, not all of us are as well-endowed as we could be. Good news, though: it doesn’t really matter. Just as long as you give off the appearance of having a big wang they’ll want to fuck you. By the time you two are naked and she discovers the deception, it’ll be too far along and she’ll probably just go through with it anyway. The key to stuffing your pants is not to let whatever you stuff with fall out. I combat the falling out by sewing a wad of socks into all my underwear.
  6. How to dick someone over for a promotion. It’s called capitalism. I say if you don’t like it, go to China. There are countless ways to do this. Really, I could write a book on the subject. For my money and time, though, take a page from politics and run a smear campaign. Classic methods include Photoshopping your competition into porn and sending it to HR, spreading salacious rumors, connecting them to racist literature, or just good old-fashioned physical violence.
  7. How to safely slash your ex’s tires. Tire slashin’ can be dangerous. Those big rubber donuts are under a lot of pressure since they’re holding up a few thousand pounds of solid steel. The best way is to first let the air out of the tires by taking the cap off the valve and poking the little needle inside with a pen or something. Make sure you hear a hiss. If you’re not that pissed you can stop there, but if you really want to let them know you’re swinging some hardcore stones, take a knife and stab them tires like you’re in a prison cafeteria.
  8. How to key your ex’s car to make it count. The key here (no pun intended, lol!!!) is not to use a key at all. Using keys to key cars is a common misconception perpetuated by Big Hardware. It will leave minor scratches at best. Your ex will go have them buffed out or maybe even use one those infomercial scratch pens and think it’s no big deal. She ain’t getting off that easy, bro. My recommendation is to get some coarse sandpaper and a battery-operated hand sander and spell out “Fuck You, Bitch!” on the side of the car. It does a lot of paint damage. Plus, it sends a message. You wanna make ‘em think, right? Don’t forget the comma neither. She might be confused otherwise.
  9. How to put sugar in the tank of your ex’s car. This is harder than you might think. Most cars have little metal pressure flaps you gotta push aside, which is difficult when you’re trying to pour a five pound bag of cane sugar. My tip: jam a funnel in there. It’ll hold the flap aside and make pouring easier. If you’re on the go I’ve heard inserting sugar cubes one at a time by pushing them through the flap is also pretty easy, if a little time consuming.
  10. How to skip out on child support and/or alimony. Bitches and brats will suck you dry if given half the chance. It’s a well known fact that our Family Courts screw men (which is why I’m a Men’s Rights Activist). What they never tell you is, if your ex is a total bitch, you have a Constitutional right to even the score by evading payment on your court-ordered obligations. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to court dozens of times, and I’m an avid listener of a legal call-in show on AM radio. Exercising your rights is easier said than done, of course, but it starts with concealing your assets. I use what’s known to legal scholars as the “bury it in the woods” maneuver, originally perfected by Wesley Snipes. Remember: cash is king. Turn your checking and savings accounts into cash. If you have a retirement account, cash that motherfucker out. Take all of that and bury it in the woods. Next, sell your car and buy a total piece. Bury the excess cash in the woods. Go live in a hotel for awhile and pay cash every night. This may seem excessive, but you’ve got to reduce the size of the target. I would also suggest faking your death and changing your identity (see below). Once those things are done you can “withdraw” your cash from the woods and start living like a normal fucking human being again.
  11. How to change your identity. People die in this country every day and leave a perfectly useable identity behind. Hell, half the registered voters in Louisiana have been dead for a decade or more. Don’t feel bad. They’d be happy to know that someone is helping to preserve the family name.
  12. How to fake your own death. This is easier if you’re already using someone else’s identity, but killing your original persona isn’t as hard as Hollywood would have you believe. There are as many ways to fake your own death as there are stars in the sky, so I won’t get into detail. All I will say is that that beauty of faking your own death is that you can just keep trying until someone buys it. Once one person or organization buys it, everyone else will probably buy it, too. Goodbye credit cards, student loans, child support payments, vehicular manslaughter restitution and thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of overdue library books.