Life Advice for Millennials Reaches Historic Levels of Smugness and Condescension

640px-Le_bon_conseilDon’t trust anyone under 30. That’s the message coming from the world’s many, many articles, blog posts, books, letters and editorials  geared towards giving life advice to 20something Millennials. From personal finance, to home buying, to job interviews, to proper internet behavior, to thinking in general, Millennials are dependent, entitled, coddled, shallow, moronic, myopic overgrown children wandering from one empty, hedonistic, self-aggrandizing activity to the next while living in the basements of their industrious parents whose only mistakes in life were raising such ungrateful brats.

While topics discussed cover virtually every aspect of life, much of the advice attempts to raise Millennial awareness of basic financial concepts of which they’ve never heard , such savings accounts, retirement accounts or the fact that the United States uses something called “currency” to facilitate the exchange of goods and services between parties.

“Not to put a damper on your YOLO guys,” writes 59 year-old syndicated advice columnist/trend watcher Michael Garbo, “But IRL you know what you should FOMO even more than waiting in line for the latest iPhone? Being able to afford a down payment on a house. Yeah, you know that thing your parents live in above your basement? You’ll need to buy one of your own one day. That means you need to  pay down your credit cards and open a savings account now. That is, unless you expect mom and dad to buy that for you, too.”

Lots of advice also seems to revolve around technology-related horror stories seen on the evening news and assumed to be commonplace.

“Here’s a tweet for you,” says 62 year-old, Greenville, TX resident Allen Holmes in a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, a publication with 97% of its readership over the age of 50, “’Young person gets fired for criticizing employer on Facebook and never leaves parents’ basement.’”

“The internet isn’t anonymous boys and girls. Anything you put  on there can and will be seen by the whole world, including employers and potential employers. Use your head. You know what I’m talking about, right? It’s that thing between your ears you’re always taking selfies of.”

Perhaps the most frequent source of advice surrounds the much-lamented Millennial sense of entitlement.

“Hey Millennials, you check out hashtag employers don’t owe you a job dot com yet?” wrote 47 year-old Cincinnati resident T. Montgomery Taft, a retiree whose primary occupation consists of writing screeds about being “a victim of the form of legalized theft euphemistically referred to as the estate tax.” “Yeah, I’m not L-O-L-ing either. If you ever want to get out of your parents’ basement, you’re going to have work for it, and you’re going to have to work hard. Nobody gives you anything for free in this world.”

Millennial getting ready to ask parents to buy both cars because she can't decide.

Millennial getting ready to ask parents to buy both cars because she can’t decide.

Asked for comment, most Millennials we spoke to shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I got it dad,” said 27 year-old Katie Lowe. “I shouldn’t send every guy I know on ‘the Facebook’ naked pictures of myself.” Lowe paused for a moment before shaking her head and adding, “I mean who the hell does he think I am?”

“My dad just goes on and on about the importance of saving up enough to avoid mortgage insurance,” said 25 year-old Michael Parker. “You know, like it’s some insider secret only he and the CEO of Wells Fargo know. He should just be happy I finally moved out of his basement.”


Lifehacks Squared: Lifehack Hacks that Will Further Hack Your Already Well Hacked Life  

The original lifehacker.

     This guy gets it.

  1. Don’t say “I think” in your writing. It implies a lack of confidence. Say “God revealed this absolute truth to me in a dream” instead.
  2. When you go on a first date, take your date to a sex shop. From then on they’ll associate you with sex.
  3. Attitude is critical. Many negative sensations can be reframed as positive ones. For example, stress is actually the same physiological response as exhilaration and being painfully constipated while doing jumping jacks is the same thing as super hot anal sex.
  4. Most people can’t tell the difference between competence and confidence. Never, ever admit you don’t know how to do something. It’s called leadership.
  5. Enthusiasm is infectious. Try to act really excited about seeing someone next time you meet and they’ll probably pretend to be excited about seeing you, too.
  6. If you’re at a meeting and expect someone is going to take you to task, sit right next to them. They’ll lose the pack mentality that makes them feel safe attacking you since you were sitting close enough to slip something in their drink.
  7. Try this old trick to combat anxiety before your next big presentation: drink four shots of whiskey 20 minutes before you begin.


              Whiskey: Nature’s Xanax

  8. It’s a psychological fact that people are more likely to agree to a big favor if you’ve gotten them to agree to a small one first. Next time you’re hitting on a woman, borrow her pen before asking “Wanna bang?”
  9. When a group of people laughs, they instinctively look toward the person they like the most. Tell a joke to get everyone laughing, figure out who the group likes the most, then do your best to sabotage that person so you can take their place as the most beloved.
  10. When giving a big speech, combat your fear of public speaking by imagining everyone is in their underwear and that you’re kicking off a massive orgy. Pre-orgy speeches are generally short and to the point, so they shouldn’t make you that nervous.
  11. Next time you get sick, keep a “culture” of the disease by saving a jar of your phlegm and blood. When you need some time off work, wipe the culture all over your coworker’s desks (or better yet their food). You’ll still have an immunity to the disease, but they will all get sick. Nobody will suspect a thing when you call in sick, too.
  12. If you’re interviewing someone and they only give you a partial answer, remain silent and maintain eye contact. They will probably give you more information when you twist their arm behind their back until it nearly breaks.

Gold is Old: Why I’m a Rhodium Bug

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

Everyone knows a true conservative’s investment portfolio should look about like this:

  • 10% long term CDs
  • 50% gold coins bought from reputable cable news advertisers
  • 20% cash stuffed under a Smith & Wesson-protected mattress
  • 10% firearms, antique swords and other Pawn Star-grade investment vehicles
  • 10% patriotic, Christian and/or Elvis-themed display plates and similar collectibles

Fewer people, however, know that gold, popular though it may be, is no longer the fairest maiden in the land of precious metals. Sure, it’s had a good run. But as much as it pains me to say it, gold is old. It will probably provide some good returns for the time being, but do you want good returns, or do you want great returns? Do you want to be somewhat prepared for the coming economic collapse, or do you want an impenetrable financial fortress to rival your actual impenetrable fortress in rural Montana?

That’s what I thought. So what is this miraculous metal poised to give investors historic, unprecedented, Biblically-proportioned returns in the comings years? Is it platinum? Gold-pressed latinum? Unobtainium? No, no and no. As you’ve no doubt cleverly deduced from the title of this article, it’s a well-known but little-discussed precious metal called rhodium.

Rhodium, or as savvy investors often refer to it: the cobalt of kings, is the most valuable investment grade metal in the world. In fact, so valuable is rhodium that scientists actually refer to it as a “noble” metal, presumably because in times past only nobles could hope to invest in something so precious. During the first wave of America’s entitlement-fueled economic apocalypse beginning after the “election” of “president” Obama in 2008, the price of rhodium soared to over $10,000 per oz. To put that in perspective, gold, the investment choice of kings since time immemorial and probably the original noble metal, barely made it past $1,900 per oz during that same period. With rhodium now back down to below $2,000 per oz—and, more importantly, with the fat cats on Wall Street and those clowns in Washington thinking our economic problems have blown over—the time has never been more ripe for filling up your coffers with precious rhodium.

What kind of returns can investors expect? That’s a good question. No one can know for certain, of course, but odds are it’s going up…way up. During the inevitable second wave of economic collapse, some experts predict rhodium will reach prices exceeding $20,000 per oz. If you bought in now, that could mean a return on your investment of more than 1,000%! Good luck getting that kind of a return gambling your hard-earned savings in a rigged casino game like the stock market.

So how the heck did rhodium get so valuable in the first place? That’s a smart question, so I’m going to give you the smart answer. But hold on. It gets a little complicated, and I’m going to use a couple terms of art. Don’t be intimidated, though. If you weren’t smart enough to do  this, you wouldn’t have read this far.

See, the beauty of rhodium is that it possesses something savvy investment professionals and financial gurus call “intrinsic value.” That’s just a fancy way of saying that besides being rare, precious and highly sought after, rhodium also has real life, practical uses. Consider your prized AR-15 or replica medieval battle hammer. They’re not just works of art you keep over the mantle and could sell for a lot of cash. They’re also tools that can be used to defend your land. That’s intrinsic value.

What are these practical uses for rhodium, you ask? Well, do you have a catalytic converter in your car? If so, chances are it’s made with rhodium. Now think about this for a second: when most of the world is living in a post-apocalyptic, Mad Max-style wasteland the lie-beral agenda bought us, people are still going to need cars, right? And if there are cars, there are going to be catalytic converters, aren’t there? You know what else that means? Yup. It means there’s going to be high demand for good, old-fashioned rhodium, which will be even rarer since mines will probably be out of  business or converted to producing nothing but overpriced, “green” light bulbs. That’s why you can count on rhodium.

Compare this to the so-called “money” that printing press we call the Federal Reserve puts out. Unless there’s a toilet paper shortage, that stuff has no intrinsic value. Like Monopoly money, it’s only valuable because our government says that’s a part of the game and people blindly follow. It’s what economists called a “fiat currency,” which is the opposite of one that has intrinsic value. You may have heard the term fiat before. No, not the car. I’m talking about ruling by fiat. It’s kind of order made by dictators like Benito Mussolini, his pal Adolf Hitler and our current president/emperor. Yeah, scary as it sounds, America’s whole financial system is based on the techniques of Mussolini and Hitler. Nice, huh?

Okay, okay. So you’re convinced. The question still remains: how much rhodium should you buy? Well, that’s somewhat a matter of personal preference, of course. Really, the question is how rich you want to get. Personally, I would put 100% of my investments into rhodium. However, I recognize that would be a big change and maybe you don’t have the guts for the huge profits that come from America’s safest, most reliable, most intrinsically valuable investment. If that’s the case, might I recommend this: switch out half your current portfolio with rhodium, just to give a shot. Give it a year. Once you realize it’s safe, then maybe switch out the rest of your portfolio, or at least sell the rest of your gold and replace it with good, ol’ rhodium. Sound reasonable?

13 Weightlifting Tips for Real Men

By Todd “The ‘Cep” Brock, guest contributor

507px-Bodybuilder,1953Bro, let me ask you something: you wanna get huge? Sure. Who the fuck doesn’t? But it’s hard, right? What with all the bullshit promises and clickbait and infomercial junk, how do you separate what’s gonna get you sleeve-ripping slabs of lean muscle and what’s just gonna get your wallet lean? Well fear not, Todd is here to help you separate fact from fiction and get you ripped out of your fucking skull. Below are my top tips for anyone looking to step up his game and become a real man. Every last one has been critical to forging my award-winning, 28” biceps (no, that ain’t a typo, bro). If you want pythons like these you best absorb every last tip into your brain bucket and implement daily. Trust me. The days of you getting swirlies will be done. Soon you’ll be administering your own swirlies to all sorts of pencil-necked nerds, not to mention dipping your dick in more strange than you know what to do with.

TIP 1: Cold hard fact: steroids are good for you. This tip is fundamental to my whole system, so don’t ignore it. ‘Roids make you huge like God intended and help get rid of disgusting fat. Big Fitness doesn’t want you to know that, though. They want you to keep wasting your time and money on worthless personal trainer sessions and protein shakes, so they spread this propaganda about ‘roids being bad for you. I’ll give you the only personal training session you’ll ever need right here, for free: get some fucking ‘roids. There. Done. You’re gonna be scary big, bro.

TIP 2: Chicks dig enormous, disproportionate biceps. Sick biceps are the currency of love, bro. Exchanging goods for services, know what I mean? I’m talking the sort of ‘ceps that look like you’re smuggling bowling balls in your arms. Write this down, bro: at least 80% of your workout should be bicep work. You hear all this talk about the 80/20 rule on the internet lately? Yeah, that’s what they’re talking about. And that’s at a minimum. I actually do a 90/10 workout. And believe me, it works. They don’t call me The ‘Cep for nothing. Also keep in mind, even if you have a lot of time to work other areas after putting in a couple hours on your biceps, don’t overdo it. If you look smaller in other areas it will make your biceps look bigger, sort of like shaving your pubes makes your dong look bigger.

TIP 3: Spotters are for pussies. They make your mind weak. When you know your spotter can help out, you won’t fight as hard. You gotta feel like an antelope running from a goddamn lion, bro. Knowing you’re gonna get seriously injured if you fail is the greatest motivator there is, particularly when you’re maxing out. Asking for a spotter screams newbie, so ditch the training wheels.

TIP 4: Negative self-talk is critical. You want to get crazy huge? Half the battle is in the gym. The other half is in here (I’m pointing to my head). Telling yourself you can’t do it will motivate you to prove yourself wrong. Telling yourself you’re lazy and worthless is an effective way to inspire a worthless piece of shit like you. I like to look at myself in the full body mirror in my bedroom every morning. I just sit there and tell myself I’m a skinny little twig. Try phrases like “Nobody is ever going to love a disgusting piece of shit like you” and “You’re human garbage” and “Worthless weaklings like you don’t deserve to live.” Those are just examples, though. The sky is the limit. This is something you can really spread your creative wings with. Anyway, I keep repeating stuff like that until I actually see myself as skinny and worthless in the mirror. That’s right. Like not just imaginary, bro. You gotta actually see it. That’s when I’m really ready to tear it up in the gym. Keep in mind this ain’t easy. It might take you a couple hours the first go, but in time you’ll find it’s a part of you. When that happens, just looking in the mirror in the gas bathroom will send you into a frenzy of motivation. Don’t half-ass this, though, bro. This step is critical. You need to be positively ashamed to be alive. That’s how you learn to really want it. That’s important. You gotta want it more than anyone else. That’s how champions are made.

TIP 5: Wiping down the machine after use is for pussies. If you’re always using wiped machines you’re never gonna develop the proper immunities for when you go to a real man’s gym. It’s sort of like how you’re only susceptible to Giardia if you never drink river water. The gym is where real men lift solid chunks of iron and troll for booty, not where they play house and clean up after themselves. Fuck that. Leave it dirty. If you don’t like it go to Curves.

TIP 6: Vomiting is an indispensible skill. It’s almost as important as ‘roids in my book. Why? Two reasons. First, it’s a sort of workout speedometer that lets you know you’re working hard enough. That’s key. You gotta know you’re pushing it or how do you know you’re pushing it? If you’re not puking your guts out you can’t really call it a workout. I recommend taking seven or eight servings of a high-caffeine, pre-workout mix like N.O.Xplode or Jack3d to help this along.

Second, if you’re currently taking a break from ‘roids or lost your connection (it happens to the best of us), you’re gonna need a little more help staying thin. Vomiting will help you cut calories. When I’m not juicing, I’ll probably vomit 10 or so meals a week. This is what fitness pros and nutritionists call Intermittent Regurgitation or IR. It speeds up your metabolism and turns your body into a fat burning furnace. Hell, even when I’m on the ‘roids I’ll still vomit a few days a week to make my abs really pop.

One last point: patience and practice. Vomiting is both a skill and an art. It’ll take some time to get good at it and you’re never gonna be perfect. You’ll probably have to jam a finger down there for awhile, but as your esophagus and stomach become more limber you’ll be able to do it on command, hands free. That’s when the real gains start, bro.

TIP 7: Warming up is for pussies. ‘Nuff said.

TIP 8: If you’re going for your one rep max, start at your max weight. This goes along with the last tip. Seems like common sense, I know, but I constantly have to correct people on this. They all add weight progressively like they see in the fitness maggies written pussy marketing execs with microscopic biceps. If you want to lift as much weight as possible you cannot waste half your strength building up to your max weight. Just be a man and fucking go for it cold, bro. Cold muscles are tighter, which makes you stronger. Don’t believe me? Which rubber band snaps harder, a tight one or a loose one?

TIP 9: Get a little drunk before maxing out. Remember earlier when I said half the battle is in here (I’m pointing to my head)? Well, when I’m going for a one rep max, half the bottle is going to be in here (I’m pointing to my stomach). Fear is your greatest foe when it comes to pulling off beastly lifts, bro. Alcohol lets you cut through that motherfucker like Valyrian steel through a Stark neck. It takes that whiny little voice in your head saying “I can’t” and beats him into a bloody pussy pulp. For max gains you gotta be pretty drunk, though, so I recommend vodka. It’s the most athletic of the hard liquors. Pure and clear like water. How do you think those Russian weightlifters won so many gold medals?

TIP 10: Weight clips are for pussies. If you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen.

TIP 11: Chicks love a guy who checks himself out in the mirror. Make sure to wear the most revealing shirt the gym will allow (this tip applies to chicks, too, lol) and flex away. I’d go shirtless if it wasn’t for the Nazi behind the desk at Gold’s.

TIP 12: Chicks at the gym want you to stare at them. They may act like they don’t, bro, but that’s just a shit test. Don’t look away. Don’t apologize. Just keep staring. They love it. I mean, they’re there to work on their bodies so men will find them more attractive. Are you not a man? They aren’t wearing skin-tight shorts that look like they were painted on their asses and sports bras that pinch together their chest meat like two ripe melons to pick up the kids at soccer, are they? They’re doing it for men. Men like you. You don’t get a much clearer invitation than that. If they didn’t like it they’d go to Curves.

TIP 13: Drink as little water as possible. Being dehydrated helps your abs pop and builds mental toughness. Frank Herbert knew it. I know it. Now you know it. Trust me bro, you don’t want to see some tight little shorty watching you curl and then realize you have a temporary water gut from chugging a gallon of river water on the way over. Drink vodka or drink nothing.

Todd Brock is a fitness consultant, motivational speaker and mixed martial artist living with his dog Bulldozer in Jersey City, New Jersey. He gives frequent lectures on the topic of “being a real man and not a pussy in this wussified society of ours” at his local Gold’s Gym.