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Life Advice for Millennials Reaches Historic Levels of Smugness and Condescension

640px-Le_bon_conseilDon’t trust anyone under 30. That’s the message coming from the world’s many, many articles, blog posts, books, letters and editorials  geared towards giving life advice to 20something Millennials. From personal finance, to home buying, to job interviews, to proper internet behavior, to thinking in general, Millennials are dependent, entitled, coddled, shallow, moronic, myopic overgrown children wandering from one empty, hedonistic, self-aggrandizing activity to the next while living in the basements of their industrious parents whose only mistakes in life were raising such ungrateful brats.

While topics discussed cover virtually every aspect of life, much of the advice attempts to raise Millennial awareness of basic financial concepts of which they’ve never heard , such savings accounts, retirement accounts or the fact that the United States uses something called “currency” to facilitate the exchange of goods and services between parties.

“Not to put a damper on your YOLO guys,” writes 59 year-old syndicated advice columnist/trend watcher Michael Garbo, “But IRL you know what you should FOMO even more than waiting in line for the latest iPhone? Being able to afford a down payment on a house. Yeah, you know that thing your parents live in above your basement? You’ll need to buy one of your own one day. That means you need to  pay down your credit cards and open a savings account now. That is, unless you expect mom and dad to buy that for you, too.”

Lots of advice also seems to revolve around technology-related horror stories seen on the evening news and assumed to be commonplace.

“Here’s a tweet for you,” says 62 year-old, Greenville, TX resident Allen Holmes in a letter to the editor of his local newspaper, a publication with 97% of its readership over the age of 50, “’Young person gets fired for criticizing employer on Facebook and never leaves parents’ basement.’”

“The internet isn’t anonymous boys and girls. Anything you put  on there can and will be seen by the whole world, including employers and potential employers. Use your head. You know what I’m talking about, right? It’s that thing between your ears you’re always taking selfies of.”

Perhaps the most frequent source of advice surrounds the much-lamented Millennial sense of entitlement.

“Hey Millennials, you check out hashtag employers don’t owe you a job dot com yet?” wrote 47 year-old Cincinnati resident T. Montgomery Taft, a retiree whose primary occupation consists of writing screeds about being “a victim of the form of legalized theft euphemistically referred to as the estate tax.” “Yeah, I’m not L-O-L-ing either. If you ever want to get out of your parents’ basement, you’re going to have work for it, and you’re going to have to work hard. Nobody gives you anything for free in this world.”

Millennial getting ready to ask parents to buy both cars because she can't decide.

Millennial getting ready to ask parents to buy both cars because she can’t decide.

Asked for comment, most Millennials we spoke to shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I got it dad,” said 27 year-old Katie Lowe. “I shouldn’t send every guy I know on ‘the Facebook’ naked pictures of myself.” Lowe paused for a moment before shaking her head and adding, “I mean who the hell does he think I am?”

“My dad just goes on and on about the importance of saving up enough to avoid mortgage insurance,” said 25 year-old Michael Parker. “You know, like it’s some insider secret only he and the CEO of Wells Fargo know. He should just be happy I finally moved out of his basement.”

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