Trump Urges America’s Hipsters to Vote for Him Ironically

Photo by Michael Vadon

Photo by Michael Vadon

Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign is pulling out all the stops in an effort to woo the crucial youth vote for the upcoming election. Wednesday night, Trump kicked off his new “Before It Was Cool” campaign tour to a packed auditorium in Brooklyn, NY. Though the rally covered many topics ranging from urban government’s restrictive animal husbandry laws to the patentability of beard styles, the focus of the night was emphasizing that Trump’s candidacy might appeal to young voters in ways they had not considered and that their peers might not expect.

“You know, everyone assumes a lot about you guys,” Trump responded when asked why any sane person would vote for him. “Hipsters, I mean. You guys probably deny it, but you’re all hipsters. I can tell just by looking at you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not trying to be mean, but I tell it like it is. Sometimes people don’t like that, but I think America is sick and tired of politicians lying to them.” Trump shrugged before continuing.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love hipsters. Lots of people assume that all you do is drink that disgusting Pabst beer and raise your own chickens, and, you know, all that stuff. All that lady stuff, too. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I’ve spent most of my life in New York.”

Though the crowd appeared visibly confused, Trump pressed on. “See, the thing is they—and by ‘they’ I mean the Washington elites, the Democrats, the Republicans, all those politicians—they also think you tow the party line and vote liberal no matter what. You know, in the bag, so why bother? Lost cause, so why bother? Like you’re just a bunch of sheep following whatever’s in fashion. Is that true? Are you sheep? You think that’s true? I don’t think that’s true. I love hipsters.”

Trump paused again, raising his hands into the air and shrugging in an exaggerated fashion. “Well how about you turn that notion on its head by voting for me? I mean, can you think of anything more unlikely for a 20something, skinny jean-wearing urbanite? You know what I’m talking about. The type who works some unpaid internship at a nonprofit and has to ‘borrow’ money from his parents for rent? Can you imagine a little shit like him voting for me? Or her. I love women. I’m like the PBR of candidates.” Several members of the audience shouted their approval, though it was unclear whether they were serious.

“How hilarious would that be?” Trump continued. “People would look at each other and be like did that guy just say he voted for Trump? You won’t even have to announce it, either. I can pay staffers to hand out ‘I Voted Trump’ stickers at the polling places. I can afford it. It won’t even matter since the first thing I’m going to do when I get in office is make the Democrats pay for those stickers. Like most Americans, I’m sick and tired of getting stuck with politicians’ bills, and if it weren’t for the Democrats this country wouldn’t be so screwed up, and I wouldn’t need to run in the first place. It’s not like I  want to be President, you know. You think I like this? Parading around the country, appearing on TV, in the newspapers, on the internet and all of that, giving speeches about the real issues affecting real Americans and speaking the truth for once? No. Hell no. I’m doing it because I care about this country. I’m doing this because I want to make America great again.”

Several young people who denied being hipsters at press time seemed to respond to Trump’s message. “That would be hilarious,” said 24 year-old social media expert Lindsay Gruber. “Like so many of my friends are like, ‘Oh, Donald Trump is so [expletive] stupid. He’s a [expletive] racist and sexist and doesn’t understand anything about politics.’ I can just see the looks on their faces when I show them my ‘I Voted Trump’ sticker. Like, I already bought that red hat he wears because I thought it was hilarious, but actually voting for him? Oh man.”


Trend Watch: Raising Turkeys May Be Cooler Than Raising Chickens

TurkeyMove over chickens, there’s a new trend in urban animal husbandry: Tom Turkey. That’s according to several leading cool people in hip coastal cities.

“Chickens are played out,” says food truck owner/chef and facial hair blogger Gerry Hildebrand of Brooklyn, NY. “I mean, shit, the other day my mom was asking me about the best brand of chicken coop for her tract house in the ‘burbs. Keep in mind this is a woman who still asks for ‘the Rachel’ at her hair salon.”

Many poultry owners say they have grown dissatisfied with the nutritional content of chicken products. Proponents of switching to turkeys often cite several health benefits of “going gobble.”

“What a lot of people don’t realize is that turkey eggs are actually much healthier than chicken eggs,” says graphic designer and Etsy-preneur Sophia Szydlik of Portland, Oregon. “They have less cholesterol, more protein and a ton of antioxidants. And if you’re into butchering, the meat is leaner and has a crapload of Omega-3 [fatty acids]. Plus, a tom turkey isn’t going to wake the whole neighborhood at sunrise like a rooster. It’s kind of a no brainer, really.”

Bridge connecting Manhattan with the traditional poultry farming community of Williamsburg.

It’s not always easy, though. Making the switch can come with a steep learning curve and often entails significant added expenses.

“When I started experimenting with turkeys two or three years ago, I thought I could just use my old chicken coop,” said Alexis Little, a San Francisco barista and author of the self-published DIY guide/epic poem A Turkey in Every Pot. “Yeah, not so much. Turns out turkeys are a very different sort of fowl. They need a lot of space and a diverse diet or they’re just going to taste like some bland, Globo-market crap you’d get at Safeway.”

It’s also important for potential turkey owners to consider their resources and lifestyle when selecting a breed.

“Newbies will often see a picture of a Bourbon Red or a Royal Palm in Turkey Country and go buy some poults without really giving any thought to whether they have the space, time and patience for a breed like that,” says Allyson Cole, a poultry expert who runs the Butterball™ Chicken and Turkey Rescue in Brooklyn. “All the time I get turkeys from well-meaning rookies who got in over their heads and just gave up.”

Still, most seasoned turkey enthusiasts say that if you’re willing to make the commitment and do your homework, it can be well worth the effort.

“I roll my eyes every time I hear someone talk about how great their fresh chicken eggs are,” said Szydlik. “Please, it’s 2015. I suppose you think your Prius is still super cool, too? Turkeys are where it’s at now. I wouldn’t give up my Joseph Gobbles or Eddy Gizzard for a whole flock of chickens.”