humor

Trump Urges America’s Hipsters to Vote for Him Ironically

Photo by Michael Vadon

Photo by Michael Vadon

Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign is pulling out all the stops in an effort to woo the crucial youth vote for the upcoming election. Wednesday night, Trump kicked off his new “Before It Was Cool” campaign tour to a packed auditorium in Brooklyn, NY. Though the rally covered many topics ranging from urban government’s restrictive animal husbandry laws to the patentability of beard styles, the focus of the night was emphasizing that Trump’s candidacy might appeal to young voters in ways they had not considered and that their peers might not expect.

“You know, everyone assumes a lot about you guys,” Trump responded when asked why any sane person would vote for him. “Hipsters, I mean. You guys probably deny it, but you’re all hipsters. I can tell just by looking at you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not trying to be mean, but I tell it like it is. Sometimes people don’t like that, but I think America is sick and tired of politicians lying to them.” Trump shrugged before continuing.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love hipsters. Lots of people assume that all you do is drink that disgusting Pabst beer and raise your own chickens, and, you know, all that stuff. All that lady stuff, too. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I’ve spent most of my life in New York.”

Though the crowd appeared visibly confused, Trump pressed on. “See, the thing is they—and by ‘they’ I mean the Washington elites, the Democrats, the Republicans, all those politicians—they also think you tow the party line and vote liberal no matter what. You know, in the bag, so why bother? Lost cause, so why bother? Like you’re just a bunch of sheep following whatever’s in fashion. Is that true? Are you sheep? You think that’s true? I don’t think that’s true. I love hipsters.”

Trump paused again, raising his hands into the air and shrugging in an exaggerated fashion. “Well how about you turn that notion on its head by voting for me? I mean, can you think of anything more unlikely for a 20something, skinny jean-wearing urbanite? You know what I’m talking about. The type who works some unpaid internship at a nonprofit and has to ‘borrow’ money from his parents for rent? Can you imagine a little shit like him voting for me? Or her. I love women. I’m like the PBR of candidates.” Several members of the audience shouted their approval, though it was unclear whether they were serious.

“How hilarious would that be?” Trump continued. “People would look at each other and be like did that guy just say he voted for Trump? You won’t even have to announce it, either. I can pay staffers to hand out ‘I Voted Trump’ stickers at the polling places. I can afford it. It won’t even matter since the first thing I’m going to do when I get in office is make the Democrats pay for those stickers. Like most Americans, I’m sick and tired of getting stuck with politicians’ bills, and if it weren’t for the Democrats this country wouldn’t be so screwed up, and I wouldn’t need to run in the first place. It’s not like I  want to be President, you know. You think I like this? Parading around the country, appearing on TV, in the newspapers, on the internet and all of that, giving speeches about the real issues affecting real Americans and speaking the truth for once? No. Hell no. I’m doing it because I care about this country. I’m doing this because I want to make America great again.”

Several young people who denied being hipsters at press time seemed to respond to Trump’s message. “That would be hilarious,” said 24 year-old social media expert Lindsay Gruber. “Like so many of my friends are like, ‘Oh, Donald Trump is so [expletive] stupid. He’s a [expletive] racist and sexist and doesn’t understand anything about politics.’ I can just see the looks on their faces when I show them my ‘I Voted Trump’ sticker. Like, I already bought that red hat he wears because I thought it was hilarious, but actually voting for him? Oh man.”

Seven Work Hacks for the Modern Office

800px-Typicalbusyoffice20050109

Believe it or not, no actual work has been accomplished at this desk in over six months.

Let’s face it: you’re lazy as hell. You know it. I know it. You don’t want your coworkers to know it. But what’s your lazy ass to do, right? This is America. You  can’t climb the corporate ladder without sweating a little, right? Wrong. You don’t have to work harder to keep your job and get promoted. You just have to not work smarter. Follow these seven simple tips, and I promise you’ll be well on your way to achieving the American Dream of getting paid way more than you deserve.

  1. Make use of the 80/20 rule. I’m not talking about the idea that 80% of your results come from 20% of your work. I’m talking about how 20% of the time you should make a big show of busting your ass, and then the other 80% you can do nothing. People are natural generalizers. It’s instinct. We try to notice patterns because it’s often inefficient to try to get to the truth of the matter by collecting enough data. You can take advantage of this by giving off the appearance of a pattern of hard work. Once people get that impression of you, you’ll have to fuck up pretty badly to get them to think anything else. As hard as this may sound, I’d recommend really doing a stellar job on your first project. Do way more than is necessary and in such a way that people really take notice. Make a presentation that wasn’t asked for. Stay in the office until everyone has left. Show up before everyone else. Then, after your reputation is established, come in late, leave early and do whatever the fuck you want. Now, I can already hear your objection. “Buhh…but I’m lazy. I don’t want to have to do that.” Not to worry. Where there’s a lack of will, there’s a prescription, which leads me to Tip 2.
  2. You now have ADHD. Go to a psychiatrist and get yourself an ADHD diagnosis. It’s not hard and if your shrink doesn’t think it’s the right one, shop around. This is important for two reasons. First, it will get you an Adderall prescription. Adderall is the best. If they want to prescribe you some other drug or, god forbid, behavioral therapy, shop around. You might be able to weasel your way into the right drug by claiming allergies, but it’s probably easier to just go to another doctor. Adderall is useful for those times when you’re busting your ass to give the appearance of being a hard worker to establish a good reputation you can later take advantage of. You probably wouldn’t be reading this article if that sort of behavior came naturally, so why not make it come unnaturally instead? Trust me, this shit will make you a bionic work cyborg from the planet Allnightus. You’ll actually enjoy doing work. It will make even the most mundane, pointless shit seem impossibly interesting. Sound good? Good.
    The breakfast of champions.

    The breakfast of champions.

    Now, the second reason you need ADHD is that it will give you a medical alibi for poor performance and may even get you some special treatment if you claim it as a disability. Have trouble getting the report done on time because the new Destiny DLC dropped? Sorry boss, it was my ADHD. I just couldn’t focus. I’m working real hard on it with my doctor. Just don’t feel like working today? Sorry boss, I’m trying but this ADHD is killing me today. Trust me, they’ll give you a pass. Disciplining you for a medical issue is a dangerous game. They won’t want to poke that hornet’s nest with a 20 foot pole. They’ll only do something about it if your performance gets crazy bad, and if that’s the case you can threaten to hire a lawyer and/or take your case to the media to try in the court of public opinion.

  3. Wear a tie or whatever it is snappy dressers of your gender wear in your workplace. Make a little effort on something you don’t have to do and people will assume you put effort into the things you do have to do. It’s a well known fallacy of the business world that well-dressed people work harder. Maybe some of them do. I don’t know. What I do know is that people will assume you work hard and give a shit if you dress like a boss.
  4. Don’t worry about getting written up. Write ups are the currency with which sanity is bought in the modern office. Large corporations are bureaucracies as byzantine and arbitrary as the federal government. It’s not a question of private vs. public that makes companies efficient. It’s a matter of size. The government becomes bureaucratic because it’s massive. Get enough humans involved in any type of organization and it’s pretty much inevitable that it will become chock full of random, pointless rules only the most anal retentive employees care about. You’ll find that the more time you work in the place the more you start to care, too. This is called insanity. Don’t fall into this trap. Getting written up doesn’t matter one goddamn bit so long as it doesn’t affect your ability to get promoted. I mean, for fuck’s sake, you think when Coca-Cola interviews a new CEO it gives two shits that Joseph in Accounting wrote him up for improper tabbing of his folders? Fuck that. The only people who care about that shit are the sort of lower level administrative employees who’ve been stuck in the same stupid job for 25 years and have nothing better to do than get in a huff about petty shit.
  5. Memorize popular buzzwords and trendy business concepts, then spout them off to your coworkers to make it sound like you know what you’re talking about. We’re talking about the latest pseudo-scientific concepts, “lifehacks” and trendy business methods, as well as the classic empty bromides and corporate speak. We’re talking your disruptive innovations, your synergies, your butter coffees, your burning passion for fucking everything, your leaning in, your doing more with less. Any of that bullshit will do. Talk about how you try to have a personal relationship with your Lord and Savior Steve Jobs and go on and on about how he revolutionized literally everything you do, from taking a shit to making coffee into the beautiful, magical, made in Califuckingfornia experience it is today. The purpose is to create a smoke screen of value around the fact that you’re actually doing nothing. Your whole career is going to be like one of those false second stories they used to put on the front of buildings in the Old West. Trust me, that’s what you want even if you think you don’t. If you didn’t want that you would have gone into a real profession like science or teaching or medicine or something. Only tools and aimless, lazy shits like you and me go into business.
  6. Never admit you don’t know the answer. Honestly, if you’ve been at your job for more than a year you should know this by now, but I include it because people still manage to make this mistake. People wouldn’t ask you the question if they knew the answer, so how are they going to know if you’re wrong? Nobody in the business world really has any clue what they’re doing. They’re all either lying or deluded. In fact, usually you start your career lying and by the end of it you’ve started to believe your own bullshit. That’s called personal development. Business is all about appearances. The appearance of confidence is far more important to success in the corporate world than actual competence. That’s called leadership.
  7. Delegate, delegate, delegate. You don’t have to be in management to delegate. Anyone can delegate work to someone else so long as that person is willing to do it. This is a high risk, high reward strategy, mind you. It can easily garner you a reputation for “pawning shit off” on other employees, so be careful. I recommend biding your time, taking careful stock of the personalities and habits of your coworkers. What you need to find is that classic combination of workaholism, self-importance and spinelessness: the sort of person who thinks their dumb job actually matters, busts their butt all the live long day and won’t fight back no matter how much shit they get stuck with. It shouldn’t be a problem finding one of these little turds. Big companies love them because they’re willing to sacrifice practically anything for the same price as a regular employee. A good place to start is to keep an eye out for the sort of person who seems like an adult version of Butters from South Park. A key indicator is an aversion to profanity. Listen for expressions like heck, darn-it , rats and, if you’re really lucky, drat or fiddlesticks. Also look for frequent, overt expressions of gratitude, talk of “getting stuff done” on the weekends, an unusually high interest in lawn maintenance, a tidy haircut that wouldn’t be out of place in 1956, excessive patriotic zeal and someone who doesn’t drink caffeine, let alone alcohol. You’re basically looking for a Mormon, in other words.

Golden Corral  Scientists Discover Meaty, Non-Toxic New Species of Mammal in Previously Unexplored Reaches of the Urban Jungle

Buffet_brekafast_(5078306699)Field biologists working for a Golden Corral in Manhattan’s Lower East Side have discovered a previously unseen mammalian organism living deep the heart of New York City’s urban jungle. Sources report the species is meaty, non-toxic and “basically good enough for human consumption.” If their reports are confirmed, this creature would be the first new mammal discovered within the city’s five boroughs in nearly two centuries.

“This is a remarkable find,” said Chef Frank Salar, a world-renowned expert familiar with the details of the expedition. “It’s simply groundbreaking work poised to slash tens of dollars from the food bills of millions of Americans. In my 30 years working in the field, I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Initial reports suggest the organism’s flesh becomes “remarkably tender” after a simple regimen of marinating overnight, stewing in a crock pot for eight hours and then sitting in a steam tray under a heat lamp for at least a day.

“I admit, when we trapped the first one, I thought to myself ‘no way is that going to be any good, not even by the standards of someone interested in an all-you-can-eat pricing arrangement,’” said Fry Cook Erwin P. Maer, the supervising biologist leading the expedition into the primeval depths of New York’s notorious urban jungle. “Stacy [Parker], [the expedition’s head chef], though, she marinated the [expletive] out of that thing, stewed it overnight and then let it sit in the team’s steam tray for a couple days, and damned if it wasn’t totally edible. I mean it was at least in line with what you’d expect for an everyday low price of just $8.99.”

Reports describe the creature as gray or brown-furred, between one and two feet in length and possessing a circumference greater in the posterior than the anterior. “They look like furry bowling pins,” said Alice Murray, cashier interested in studying the flora and fauna living beneath New York City, who accompanied Chef Parker on the expedition. “It’s got a long [expletive] tail, too. Good for grabbing, not so good for eating. Even Stacy couldn’t make that part work.”

The animals are also remarkably abundant in the new terrain, which suggests they reproduce both rapidly and affordably, a critical combination.

“This animal possesses what I call the ‘Golden Duo’ of acceptable taste and extreme affordability,” noted Maer.

He wasn’t the only one who was impressed, either.

“There were just a[n] [expletive] ton of these things down there,” said urban jungle guide and street survival expert Miguel Wallace, who assisted the researchers in navigating the labyrinth of subterranean corridors twisting and turning just beneath the city streets. “Give me $10 and a box of trash bags, and I could get you enough meat to fill every buffet steam tray in the tri-state area.”

The expedition made its momentous discovery by accident. The team had originally planned to only study and further document previously explored regions of the vast underground transportation and waste disposal tunnels below Manhattan’s Lower East Side. However, an upside down map and a couple wrong turns later, they stumbled upon a completely unexplored section near the Upper West Side.

“I admit it was pure luck,” Maer said of their serendipitous find. “But then again, weren’t most of history’s greatest discoveries made by accident? Other than the ones given to us by aliens, of course.”

Asked for comment, a press spokesman from Golden Corral’s corporate headquarters said executives were “very pleased” with the new findings and “optimistic” about what it could mean for the company’s bottom line. He added that company researchers would soon begin clinical trials to determine whether customers can tell the difference between the new organism and the “wide variety of competitively-priced meats” already being served at Golden Corral’s 500 locations nationwide.

It’s Time the Government Started Subsidizing Our Constitutional Right to Bear Arms

You hear a lot these days from so-called “progressives” talking about how the “less fortunate” have a “right” to this and that regardless of their ability to pay. You might have noticed “this” and “that” are always somehow rights that liberals like. But people have a right to lots of things, don’t they? Why do liberals get to pick and choose which ones the government pays for? Shouldn’t all of our most sacred rights, those enshrined in the Constitution, be things that everyone has access to in reality and not just in name? Why should someone’s ability to pay affect their ability to exercise the freedoms that make this country great? Liberals will hoot and holler all day long about an indigent defendant’s Constitutional right to a free attorney courtesy of Uncle Sam when that man’s freedom is on the line, but what about when a man’s life is on the line? Should he not be able to defend it with a personal firearm even if he is poor? I say it’s high time the government start subsidizing citizens’ Constitutional right to bear arms.

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution guarantees all citizens the right to bear arms for personal protection, but the sad truth of the matter is that guns are expensive. This is of course in part because of all the ridiculous gun control regulations liberals pass to drive firearm prices up, but there’s also the simple fact that guns are precision tools and stuff like that never comes cheap. The bottom line is that we now live in a world where not every law-abiding, freedom-loving American can afford to purchase a quality firearm. When it’s either buy a gun or put food on the table, people are usually forced to do the best they can in a bad situation. This is an inescapable fact, and it’s not going to change unless we do something about it. How is it that in the richest nation on Earth, we can’t ensure that every man, woman and child has access to quality, affordable firearms to protect themselves, their property and their loved ones?

Some people argue that, as common sensical and even noble as such a policy might be, it’s simply impractical, that the government simply can’t afford to start buying people guns without raising taxes. Let’s set aside the fact that the government already pays for plenty of non-constitutional rights like welfare and food stamps just because they think people “need” them. That doesn’t matter because of the simple fact that providing guns to the less fortunate won’t cost the government money. It will make the government money.

Yes. You read that right. Why? Because of a principle called shoot first economics.

Let’s start with the simple fact that this country spends billions per year in law enforcement and  what I term “domestic defense.” That is, defending law abiding citizens from criminals, vagrants, ruffians and other ne’er-do-wells , as opposed to military defense, which involves protecting us from foreign invaders and secessionists. Much of that domestic defense comes from paying police officers and other law enforcement professionals to patrol the streets of America, protecting innocent victims from predatory criminal elements. These expenses include salary, benefits, overhead in the form of police buildings, support staff, gas to power their cruisers, etc. All of this adds up to a heck of a lot of money.

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We don’t have to be victims. The vast majority of domestic defense spending is only necessary because of the surprisingly large portion of the population that either cannot or will not defend themselves with their own personal firearm. The will nots have chosen their lot, and I can do nothing for them. I assume, I hope, I pray, they are few and far between. But the cannots we absolutely can and should help defend themselves.

This isn’t a matter of charity, remember. The beauty of providing equal access to firearms is that if everyone can get a gun, law enforcement will become largely unnecessary, saving taxpayers countless billions of dollars every year. Like most things, the private sector does it better. Rather than just give a blanket level of protection to everyone, it’s far more efficient to give citizens the right to choose exactly how much protection they think they need. This makes sense both because citizens are usually at the scene of a crime and in a better position to stop it (or can at least leave a shotgun booby trapped behind the door), and because those living in less dangerous neighborhoods can tailor a specific, minimal level of protection more appropriate to their situation, rather than the simplistic “every town gets a full police force” model we have now.

Sounds great, right? But remember, this is only possible if every person in America has access to their own firearm. So yes, buying lots of firearms itself costs money, but it’s an investment, not an expenditure. We won’t have to spend so much (if anything) on law enforcement if people just take a little personal responsibility for their own welfare instead of relying on the nanny state for protection. The costs of the firearm and ammo necessary to defend oneself from typical crimes are far less than the costs of the salary and expenses of the officers who would have dealt with that crime had the citizen had not been a responsible gun owner.

So the domestic defense aspect of shoot first economics is obviously sufficient justification for Second Amendment subsidies, right? But wait, there’s more! See, I contrasted domestic defense from military defense for a reason: because arming your citizenry also has the potential to reduce our nation’s reliance on the military for protection. Believe it or not, the Founding Fathers intended the Second Amendment to provide Americans with military protection as well domestic defense. Just the look at the language: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State….” Admittedly, having 300 million “militiamen” living in every house in this country might not completely cut it military-wise in today’s world. We’ll still need our battleships and stealth fighter jets and nuclear subs and thousands upon thousands of tanks in order to fight the wars of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But you can’t possibly argue that allowing every person in this great land the ability to go full Red Dawn on the ass of any invader isn’t valuable.

The real question is: how valuable? Well, that’s debatable. I think you have to consider their value in terms of the costs our military currently incurs for infantry soldiers, which fill essentially the same role as militiamen. Right now, the average soldier costs the US Army about $850,000 per year.  Our population is about 320 million people and currently only about a third of American households own a firearm. In other words, there are about 214 million people out there without a firearm. Of course, not all of those can wield a firearm in a soldierly manner, but we’ll say half of those could. That leaves us with 107 million potential militiamen our country could take advantage of with free firearms. Now, even if given the opportunity to receive a free firearm, not everyone will take that opportunity. This is sad but true, so taking out the hippies and other peacenik freaks, let’s assume 100 million of that 107 million would sign up. 100 million people multiplied by the Army’s cost per soldier of $850,000 is an $85 trillion value we would be getting by doing this. Heck, that’s more than even Obama could spend in a year! Am I right?  Hold on, though. We still have to subtract the cost of the firearms themselves. Assuming a relatively conservative $300 per firearm multiplied by 100 million, that puts the cost of arming all of America at a mere $30 billion. Small price to pay for $85 trillion, right? Talk about value!

So there you have it. When you subsidize the Second Amendment you ensure equal access to Constitutional rights, you save on almost all of America’s law enforcement costs and you get roughly $84.7 trillion dollars worth of value added to America’s military might. It’s win, win, win. Write your Congressman today, and let him know you support equal access to Second Amendment rights regardless of a citizen’s financial situation.

Coworkers All Agree Their Town Has the Craziest Weather

It was sunny three days ago.

     It was sunny just this morning.

At 2 PM last Thursday, coworkers at a town beverage distributor gathered by a window just as it started to rain.

“Yup, that’s this town’s crazy weather,” remarked assistant sales manager Al Wiggins after noting he had seen mostly blue skies that morning. “You never really know what’s going to happen in this crazy old place. You know how many times I’ve woken up to a perfectly warm, sunny day, forgotten to check the weather report, and then gotten stuck in a rain storm without my umbrella?”

“You assume the weather guy would have called it right,” said Joel LaCroix, chuckling. “With this town’s crazy weather you might as well flip a coin.”

“Isn’t that the truth?” agreed Sherry Harper, another coworker with a serious distaste for Mondays and storm clouds. “I tell you, we’ve got the wackiest weather in this town. You know this one summer I woke up to sunny and 70 only to have it hail that evening. Can you believe it? Hail, in summer!”

The coworkers all shook their heads in amazement.

“Never seen anything like it,” Harper added, failing to disclose that she had never lived anywhere else in her life.

“You guys talking about this weather we’re having?” asked Joe Mangio, the director of human resources, as he stopped by to see what all the fuss was about. “Yeah, that’s classic this place. Some people like to talk about how they have hurricane season or blizzard season where they’re from. I tell them that’s every season in this crazy town!”

“Yeah,” said Higgins. “It doesn’t matter what time of year it is, I usually bring a coat and sunscreen!”

The group laughed in unison, staring off into the distance thoughtfully at this, their lives.

Gold is Old: Why I’m a Rhodium Bug

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

Everyone knows a true conservative’s investment portfolio should look about like this:

  • 10% long term CDs
  • 50% gold coins bought from reputable cable news advertisers
  • 20% cash stuffed under a Smith & Wesson-protected mattress
  • 10% firearms, antique swords and other Pawn Star-grade investment vehicles
  • 10% patriotic, Christian and/or Elvis-themed display plates and similar collectibles

Fewer people, however, know that gold, popular though it may be, is no longer the fairest maiden in the land of precious metals. Sure, it’s had a good run. But as much as it pains me to say it, gold is old. It will probably provide some good returns for the time being, but do you want good returns, or do you want great returns? Do you want to be somewhat prepared for the coming economic collapse, or do you want an impenetrable financial fortress to rival your actual impenetrable fortress in rural Montana?

That’s what I thought. So what is this miraculous metal poised to give investors historic, unprecedented, Biblically-proportioned returns in the comings years? Is it platinum? Gold-pressed latinum? Unobtainium? No, no and no. As you’ve no doubt cleverly deduced from the title of this article, it’s a well-known but little-discussed precious metal called rhodium.

Rhodium, or as savvy investors often refer to it: the cobalt of kings, is the most valuable investment grade metal in the world. In fact, so valuable is rhodium that scientists actually refer to it as a “noble” metal, presumably because in times past only nobles could hope to invest in something so precious. During the first wave of America’s entitlement-fueled economic apocalypse beginning after the “election” of “president” Obama in 2008, the price of rhodium soared to over $10,000 per oz. To put that in perspective, gold, the investment choice of kings since time immemorial and probably the original noble metal, barely made it past $1,900 per oz during that same period. With rhodium now back down to below $2,000 per oz—and, more importantly, with the fat cats on Wall Street and those clowns in Washington thinking our economic problems have blown over—the time has never been more ripe for filling up your coffers with precious rhodium.

What kind of returns can investors expect? That’s a good question. No one can know for certain, of course, but odds are it’s going up…way up. During the inevitable second wave of economic collapse, some experts predict rhodium will reach prices exceeding $20,000 per oz. If you bought in now, that could mean a return on your investment of more than 1,000%! Good luck getting that kind of a return gambling your hard-earned savings in a rigged casino game like the stock market.

So how the heck did rhodium get so valuable in the first place? That’s a smart question, so I’m going to give you the smart answer. But hold on. It gets a little complicated, and I’m going to use a couple terms of art. Don’t be intimidated, though. If you weren’t smart enough to do  this, you wouldn’t have read this far.

See, the beauty of rhodium is that it possesses something savvy investment professionals and financial gurus call “intrinsic value.” That’s just a fancy way of saying that besides being rare, precious and highly sought after, rhodium also has real life, practical uses. Consider your prized AR-15 or replica medieval battle hammer. They’re not just works of art you keep over the mantle and could sell for a lot of cash. They’re also tools that can be used to defend your land. That’s intrinsic value.

What are these practical uses for rhodium, you ask? Well, do you have a catalytic converter in your car? If so, chances are it’s made with rhodium. Now think about this for a second: when most of the world is living in a post-apocalyptic, Mad Max-style wasteland the lie-beral agenda bought us, people are still going to need cars, right? And if there are cars, there are going to be catalytic converters, aren’t there? You know what else that means? Yup. It means there’s going to be high demand for good, old-fashioned rhodium, which will be even rarer since mines will probably be out of  business or converted to producing nothing but overpriced, “green” light bulbs. That’s why you can count on rhodium.

Compare this to the so-called “money” that printing press we call the Federal Reserve puts out. Unless there’s a toilet paper shortage, that stuff has no intrinsic value. Like Monopoly money, it’s only valuable because our government says that’s a part of the game and people blindly follow. It’s what economists called a “fiat currency,” which is the opposite of one that has intrinsic value. You may have heard the term fiat before. No, not the car. I’m talking about ruling by fiat. It’s kind of order made by dictators like Benito Mussolini, his pal Adolf Hitler and our current president/emperor. Yeah, scary as it sounds, America’s whole financial system is based on the techniques of Mussolini and Hitler. Nice, huh?

Okay, okay. So you’re convinced. The question still remains: how much rhodium should you buy? Well, that’s somewhat a matter of personal preference, of course. Really, the question is how rich you want to get. Personally, I would put 100% of my investments into rhodium. However, I recognize that would be a big change and maybe you don’t have the guts for the huge profits that come from America’s safest, most reliable, most intrinsically valuable investment. If that’s the case, might I recommend this: switch out half your current portfolio with rhodium, just to give a shot. Give it a year. Once you realize it’s safe, then maybe switch out the rest of your portfolio, or at least sell the rest of your gold and replace it with good, ol’ rhodium. Sound reasonable?

Abortion Surpasses Powerball in US News & World Report’s Latest Ranking of America’s Best College Savings Plans

The results are in. Terminating your pregnancy is now the best way to assure you can afford to pay for your child’s education costs in the coming decades, this according to the recent rankings released by US News & World Report, the company famous for its influential annual rankings of “America’s Best Colleges.”

Terminating your pregnancy, commonly known as an “abortion,” works by surgically removing a woman’s fetus. Research has shown the procedure is highly effective at lowering child-rearing costs.

“Abortions have actually been around for decades,” says Dr. Leo Chestin, MD, an educational choice activist and key contributor to the report, “But it’s only been recently that people have realized it could be used to control education costs and prevent their children from becoming indentured servants of the federal government and private corporate lenders into their 50s and 60s.”

While some people question the need for a college education in the first place, Dr. Chestin insists that in today’s economic environment a college degree is essential.

“Undergrad is the new high school and grad school is the new undergrad,” he said. “There used to be a time when a person could easily get a good job without a college degree, but nowadays you need one for pretty much any job that pays a living wage, and even for a lot that don’t. If you don’t want to mop floors for minimum wage your whole life, your only good options are to be born rich or not to be born at all.”

Anne Schmidt, a 26 year-old, formerly expecting mother agrees. After getting pregnant, Anne researched every feasible way to pay for her child-to-be’s projected seven figure college tuition without taking out a loan eight  times the value of her three bedroom, ranch-style house. She figured playing the lottery was her best bet.

“I had been buying Powerball tickets for god knows how long,” she said. “Usually I got four or five a week, more if the jackpot was big. I figured my kid was worth it.”

As many prospective American parents have done in recent years, Anne soon discovered the probability of succeeding with her method was unlikely at best.

“You can’t buy the scratchers unfortunately,” she said. “Even the best of those won’t pay out nearly enough to finance four years of undergraduate education in this country in 20 years. Heck, it’s not even enough today. The problem is odds on the ones that do pay out enough aren’t that good. I mean, sure, Powerball has better odds than the chances of someone actually doing something to control rising college costs in this country. But still, they aren’t good.”

When lotto ticket  after lotto ticket failed to deliver the return Anne sought, she began to grow desperate.

“I even considered the military. That’s what my grandfather did. Or tried to do until he went to Vietnam. It messed him up pretty good. He came back with PTSD and ended up shooting my grandmother and himself a few years later. I decided I didn’t want that for my kid.”

Out of options, Anne didn’t know where to turn.

“I was at my wit’s end and about to just resign my child to a life of debt slavery. That’s when I got a call from Planned Parenthood telling me about this new procedure that makes it so you don’t have the kid at all. I was like, ‘shit, why didn’t I think of that?’”

Anne went through with the procedure the following week and is proud to report it was a complete success. The only student loans she has to worry about these days are the $84,238 she incurred in her two and a half years at the University of Phoenix.

With success stories like Anne’s, it’s not hard to see why abortions are becoming a popular tool for navigating America’s higher education system. However, despite the procedure’s growing popularity, it’s not without its critics.

“The notion that getting an abortion is the best way for people to afford college is a bit misleading,” said T. Henry Astor, a budget analyst for the American Exceptionalism Foundation. “The results of the study actually only apply to those in the lower  and middle classes. If you make more than $300,000 a year and have one or fewer children, college is still quite affordable and will continue to be so for at least another decade or two.

“We’re also forgetting about the indirect consequences of all this,” he added. “Our nation’s military relies on exorbitant college prices to entice high school kids to risk their lives for free school. Who is going to protect our freedom if the military can’t get new recruits from the economically disadvantaged? It’s possible we’d have to reinstitute the draft. I don’t think anyone wants that. And there’s also the simple fact that the federal government currently rakes in about $50 billion per year in student loan profits. If that dries up we’re going to have to raise taxes.”

“Taxes…,” Astor repeated, widening his eyes, waiving his hands threateningly above his head and making ghost sounds while he backed slowly out of the room.

The Top Five Greatest Colors of All Time

256px-Colouring_pencilsWe all have our favorite colors. Maybe you’re a blue man while your neighbor likes his people eaters purple and your wife likes her monsters green. That’s all well and good, but the thing is, there’s a difference between these subjective assessments and the objective, highly scientific world of listicle ranking. What are the criteria for a truly great shade of visual light? Does it take a numerically provocative and controversial wavelength like 666 nm? Or is it being an egalitarian color like gray, which all sighted peoples can enjoy regardless of colorblindness? Maybe it’s being a part of famous holiday group like red and green at Christmastime? The truth is it’s not an easy question, and there are no bright line answers. Many factors make a great color, and no single aspect will put one over the top. That’s why we decided to defer to the experts for some real answers. After polling some of most well known and respected names in the field of color, we analyzed the results and came up with this short list of the Five Greatest Colors of All Time. Enjoy!

  1. Yellow

The color of cartoon suns, Texas roses and urine, where would the world be without this classic color? Would golden showers and tooth whitening kits still exist? Would America’s dog pounds incarcerate Labrador retrievers at a higher rate? Easily the most well known non-RGB color next to orange, yellow has long fascinated both scholars and laymen alike, and in fact yellow is among the oldest of colors.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but the Egyptians first discovered yellow nearly 5,000 years,” says Smithsonian Color Historian Theodore “Red” Pierce. “See, back then alcoholic beverages were very expensive and poorer Egyptians used to collect the urine of rich drunks and chug it in the hopes of catching a buzz. One day a curious Egyptian thought to look down at the collecting liquid and probably said to himself, ‘Just what the heck is that?’ This may seem hard to believe in the age of the modern flush toilet, but before that nobody even knew urine had a color since they pissed on the ground and their urine dispersed. It was a pretty big discovery at the time. There are actually several walls of hieroglyphics dedicated to the event in the Valley of the Kings. They thought the color was a gift from the sun god Ra.”

  1. Orange

You either love it or hate it, but everyone has to admit orange has been an extremely influential, even revolutionary color, its work paving the way for the dozens of non-RGB colors that came on the scene after it.

“Because non-RGB colors are so ubiquitous in media and popular culture nowadays, it’s easy to forget that before orange non-RGB colors weren’t even allowed on television,” says Kodak Noted Scholar Alvin Pickens, a color expert and self-described orange-aholic. “When my grandmother was a child, orange was an outlaw color. People called it ‘Satanic’ because of its association with Halloween. Heck, you can still watch old newsreel ads with blue-colored citrus fruits. Of course everyone knew a tangerine was orange, but it just wasn’t proper to show it on television.”

  1. Green

Spanning “Gaia’s 75” between 495-570 nm, unless you live in the heart of a big city you really can’t spend much time outside without encountering a whole lot of green. Between leaves, vegetables and poorly chlorinated pools, green is everywhere, and its legacy cannot easily be disregarded. However, that wasn’t always the case.

“For a long time there was this mentality that green was ‘the ugly one’ of the RGB colors,” says C.W. Berne, grandson of the inventor of Technicolor and 4K HD TV activist. “People used to hate nature. They called it the ‘savage’s house’ and considered it a part of America’s ‘Manifest Destiny’ to convert every square inch of unused land into parking lots and strip malls. There was even a longstanding movement to ban the use of greens in public buildings and parks. One town in Ohio went so far as to paint all its grass red. Nowadays these notions seem quaint and maybe even a little silly to us, but back then it really held green back. It’s a testament to just how great this color is that it could stick around and make such a comeback in the modern era.”

  1. Blue

The color of aristocratic blood, oxygen deprivation and France, even if blue isn’t your favorite color you have to give it grudging respect for sheer prolificness.

“Blue often gets a bad rap as being a hoity-toity color,” says Alfonse Jameson, Director of Color Studies at the Rhode Island School of Design. “We hear terms like blue blood and royal blue and think, ‘Oh, I guess blue is too good for me.’ That couldn’t be further from the truth. Blue comes in many shades that are perfectly accessible to the common man. I’m talking your baby blues, your sky blues, heck, even your robin’s egg blues. It’s actually a universal color, but people get turned off because it also embraces high society, and people take that to mean blue is exclusive.”

  1. Red

The ultimate classic. Nothing says red Ferrari like the color red. It’s the color of passion and love, of blood and vengeance, of menstruation and accidentally kneeing yourself in the nose drunkenly attempting a flip off the armrest of the couch. Whether it’s being used as the coloring for all the best candy flavors, as roses for that special someone or to paint an X on your neighbor’s front door, red is everything that makes us human, for better and for worse. A perennial powerhouse on critics’ best colors of the year lists, the choice of red has become something of a litmus test for good taste in colors.

“When I was first getting into this field, my mentor actually took me aside and told me, ‘Look, you have to write a paper on how great red is,’” says Jameson. “I took his advice seriously and, sure enough, my research paper, ‘Red: Greatest Color Ever,’ was very well received in peer review and managed to land me my first tenured position. I’m thankful for that, but sometimes I wonder what track my life would have taken if I had written it about yellow or green…or, god, even purple. Can you imagine?”

New “Econobot” Puts America’s Economists Out of Work

Economists around the nation are buzzing about the increased value accruing to society as a result of a new invention that has made all their jobs totally obsolete.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” said Norman Frankl, former economist and inventor of the device.  “This is what the free market is all about, folks. Services which used to cost consumers into the hundreds of dollars per hour plus a full benefits package can now be had for pennies.”

Frankl’s invention, called Econobot, consists of a lifelike, anthropomorphic robot programmed to use a comprehensive economics software suite called Efficient Market. From teaching undergrads and writing multivolume treatises to delivering cherry-picked data and partisan talking points to television news outlets, Econobot can replicate every service previously performed by the nation’s economists.

“It even has a ‘rogue’ function for producing contrarian podcasts and rant-based blogs,” says Frankl. “One time I set [my Econobot] Chester to rogue, and he played a prank on some snobby professor buddies of mine, tricking them into declaring Franzia top shelf French wine after changing the labels in a tasting game.”

Econobot also aims to imitate the various lifestyles of the professionals it replaces. Depending on user-defined settings, the robot can wear everything from a bow tie, suspenders and tweed to free t-shirts it forages from festivals it just happened to be walking by. It also requires no charging, instead running on heat generated by the chemical breakdown of bulk-purchased, wholesale ramen and Kraft Easy Mac.

Just as important, Econobot is capable of performing its functions through the lens of nearly every school of economic thought in a manner Forbes magazine gushed is “just as cold and borderline sociopathic as the discipline’s most influential human practitioners.”

“I don’t care if you’re a world famous academic or the armchair economist next door,” says inventor Frankl, “This thing can do your thing, and it can do it better. Keynesian or supply-sider, pre-modern, classical, Chicago school, Neo-Ricardian, gold bug, Austrian, Marxian, ecological, feminist. You name it. And it’s all further customizable by the user. There are 100 different settings for smugness alone.”

Before Econbot, the only people with the resources to obtain top flight economic insight were large corporations, educational institutions and governments. Everyone else seeking personalized economic analysis usually had to procure the services of lesser-known, independent economists working the street corners, infomercials and blogs of America. These “indy” economists generally practiced outside mainstream economic thought, which was not always appealing to some consumers.

This increase in consumer choice is a welcome change for most of the nation’s former economists, and Econobot agrees. Indeed, the general response among the former economics community at large has been one of jubilation as the gears of capitalistic progress grind what meager livelihood and meaning they had derived from life into ash and dust. Many are even committing suicide so as not to inefficiently leech off the economy’s resources in unemployment, since they no longer possess any marketable skills and will likely be unable to find another job anytime soon, if ever.

“This is a fantastic example of disruptive innovation,” said Malthus T. May, former economics professor at the University of Chicago, while standing in line at the Cook County unemployment office. “Some great new invention just came out of nowhere and totally changed how we look at the economics industry. Of course, you don’t need me to tell you that anymore. Just go down to your local Econobot retailer or one of the many websites offering free, ad-supported Econobot analysis.”

“It’s wonderful. Really, it is,” May insisted, digging through the crevices of his empty wallet. “So many people who previously could not afford the services of a top flight economist can now get exemplary economic analysis for next to nothing. Thank god Congress decided not to pass any inefficient, protectionist regulations which might have preserved my job at the cost of progress.”

An Excerpt from My Upcoming R-Rated Saved by the Bell Fan Fiction Novel Fast Times at Bayside High

Final Saved by the BellChapter 6: The Party

“I don’t know guys,” Zack said slurping up the last drops of his 11th Jack and Coke. “She’s pretty messed up.”

The quivering sinews of Slater’s anabolic muscles seemed to bulge even more than usual. “What’re you, a fucking homo?” he growled. “Don’t be pussy. I know you always had a thing for Kapowski.”

You think just because you got some new roids you can intimidate me, you fuck? Zack thought. I know you man. We’ve been friends since we were in diapers. I remember when you used to wet the bed during nap time in Miss Gardener’s P.M. kindergarten class. Fuck you.

“Yeah, don’t be a pussy, Morrsh,” Kelly said, the operation of her tongue obstructed by a combination of peach schnapps and remnants of the half-digested Domino’s pizza she’d just deposited behind Screech’s parents’ king-sized Tempur-Pedic. “I’ve wanted to fuck you ever since I saw that blond puff of yours strut its way into Miz Blitz’s home run class.”

Zack grimaced. “And I like you, too. I’m just not comfortable with doing it in…in this way. What was that stuff about consent Jessie was going off on this morning?”

“Goin’ off? How ‘bout you come get me off you fuckin’ bitch?” Kelly shouted, clumsily pulling her shirt over her head and nearly tumbling over in the process. “I thought you were a man. I thought you were my man.”

lipstick-kiss-markShe tried to squeeze her eyebrows together like a hurt puppy, but her glazed eyes and slack jaw imitated a look of horror more akin to what the house’s straight-laced owners would do when they found her present behind the bed the following afternoon.

All the alcohol in Zack’s system wasn’t enough to block the sting of Kelly’s remarks. Who is this animal? he thought. Where’s the girl I fell in love with? Zack, what happened to you? What happened to the gold-hearted boy who used to put his whole allowance in the collection plate?

“No,” Zack said. “I mean, I’m pretty sure she was talking about how a woman can’t give consent if she’s drunk.”

“I’m not drunk, Zachary. I’m buzzed.” Kelly’s eyelids struggled to stay open as she tilted her head in an exaggerated look of exasperation. “Buzzed as fuck.” The change in orientation threw her balance off, and she nearly toppled over again. “Annn anywho…throwing up probably cleared out mosta the alcohol in my system.”

“Yeah, dude,” Slater added, “I think Jessie was talking about when a woman is like, you know, so drunk that she passes out. Of course she can’t give consent then, because she can’t talk. It’s about the words, man.”

C'mon dude.

          “It’s about the words, man.I’m gonna have to get in there and show you what a real man does.

Zack paused for a moment to consider this. “Maybe.”

“Yeah see, you know he’s right,” Kelly said, undoing her bra. “Now get over here and show me what you’ve got.”

“I…I just don’t…what about California’s new affirmative consent law?”

“Oh Jesus, still?” Slater threw his hands in the air. “If you don’t do it soon I’m gonna have to get in there and show you what a real man does.” He slammed his fist on the nearby dresser like a judge’s gavel.

Oh yeah, that’d be the day, Zack thought. “Remind me again why it is you aren’t doing this?” he asked, tilting his head threateningly at Slater. “It’s not like she really cares which one of us does the deed.”

“I told you. I like to watch.”

“Watch Zack,” Kelly burped.

Slater’s glare dripped venom. “You shut up bitch! You shut…the…your….” His voice trailed off.

“Mmm hmm. That’s what I thought,” Kelly said. “Why don’t you get over here and get some of this?” She massaged her naked breasts in an exaggerated way, like a porn star.

“Guys, relax,” Zack said, moving between them and putting his hands up. As he did this, his right hand brushed Kelly’s supple, caramel-colored breasts. Despite the whiskey swimming through his bloodstream, Zack felt his pants growing tight. Oh god. He could feel every beat of his heart trying to escape the confines of his chest. Gravity pulled at his tingling loins.

Kelly noticed the tension and pressed her weight to the bed, bouncing slightly and making girlish giggles. The hypnotic jiggle of Kelly’s glistening boob skin sent an electric pulse of desire coursing through Zack’s member. He cupped her right breast with his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. It feels like a dream. He couldn’t help himself. He had to. The gravity. It pulled. He turned and grasped both, nearly crushing them as his animal desire took over.

Kelly yelped at Zack’s primal grip, but her expression soon turned ravenous. “There you go cowboy.” She lay back on the bed and began to undo her shimmering rainbow Hammer pants. “Let’s do this motherfucker.”

“No, no,” he said, undoing his belt. “Kellyfucker.”

Behind him Zack heard the soft crumple of Slater’s pants falling to the floor and the unmistakable squeak of Lubriderm dispensing from a family-sized plastic jug.

It was on.