law

It’s Time the Government Started Subsidizing Our Constitutional Right to Bear Arms

You hear a lot these days from so-called “progressives” talking about how the “less fortunate” have a “right” to this and that regardless of their ability to pay. You might have noticed “this” and “that” are always somehow rights that liberals like. But people have a right to lots of things, don’t they? Why do liberals get to pick and choose which ones the government pays for? Shouldn’t all of our most sacred rights, those enshrined in the Constitution, be things that everyone has access to in reality and not just in name? Why should someone’s ability to pay affect their ability to exercise the freedoms that make this country great? Liberals will hoot and holler all day long about an indigent defendant’s Constitutional right to a free attorney courtesy of Uncle Sam when that man’s freedom is on the line, but what about when a man’s life is on the line? Should he not be able to defend it with a personal firearm even if he is poor? I say it’s high time the government start subsidizing citizens’ Constitutional right to bear arms.

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution guarantees all citizens the right to bear arms for personal protection, but the sad truth of the matter is that guns are expensive. This is of course in part because of all the ridiculous gun control regulations liberals pass to drive firearm prices up, but there’s also the simple fact that guns are precision tools and stuff like that never comes cheap. The bottom line is that we now live in a world where not every law-abiding, freedom-loving American can afford to purchase a quality firearm. When it’s either buy a gun or put food on the table, people are usually forced to do the best they can in a bad situation. This is an inescapable fact, and it’s not going to change unless we do something about it. How is it that in the richest nation on Earth, we can’t ensure that every man, woman and child has access to quality, affordable firearms to protect themselves, their property and their loved ones?

Some people argue that, as common sensical and even noble as such a policy might be, it’s simply impractical, that the government simply can’t afford to start buying people guns without raising taxes. Let’s set aside the fact that the government already pays for plenty of non-constitutional rights like welfare and food stamps just because they think people “need” them. That doesn’t matter because of the simple fact that providing guns to the less fortunate won’t cost the government money. It will make the government money.

Yes. You read that right. Why? Because of a principle called shoot first economics.

Let’s start with the simple fact that this country spends billions per year in law enforcement and  what I term “domestic defense.” That is, defending law abiding citizens from criminals, vagrants, ruffians and other ne’er-do-wells , as opposed to military defense, which involves protecting us from foreign invaders and secessionists. Much of that domestic defense comes from paying police officers and other law enforcement professionals to patrol the streets of America, protecting innocent victims from predatory criminal elements. These expenses include salary, benefits, overhead in the form of police buildings, support staff, gas to power their cruisers, etc. All of this adds up to a heck of a lot of money.

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We don’t have to be victims. The vast majority of domestic defense spending is only necessary because of the surprisingly large portion of the population that either cannot or will not defend themselves with their own personal firearm. The will nots have chosen their lot, and I can do nothing for them. I assume, I hope, I pray, they are few and far between. But the cannots we absolutely can and should help defend themselves.

This isn’t a matter of charity, remember. The beauty of providing equal access to firearms is that if everyone can get a gun, law enforcement will become largely unnecessary, saving taxpayers countless billions of dollars every year. Like most things, the private sector does it better. Rather than just give a blanket level of protection to everyone, it’s far more efficient to give citizens the right to choose exactly how much protection they think they need. This makes sense both because citizens are usually at the scene of a crime and in a better position to stop it (or can at least leave a shotgun booby trapped behind the door), and because those living in less dangerous neighborhoods can tailor a specific, minimal level of protection more appropriate to their situation, rather than the simplistic “every town gets a full police force” model we have now.

Sounds great, right? But remember, this is only possible if every person in America has access to their own firearm. So yes, buying lots of firearms itself costs money, but it’s an investment, not an expenditure. We won’t have to spend so much (if anything) on law enforcement if people just take a little personal responsibility for their own welfare instead of relying on the nanny state for protection. The costs of the firearm and ammo necessary to defend oneself from typical crimes are far less than the costs of the salary and expenses of the officers who would have dealt with that crime had the citizen had not been a responsible gun owner.

So the domestic defense aspect of shoot first economics is obviously sufficient justification for Second Amendment subsidies, right? But wait, there’s more! See, I contrasted domestic defense from military defense for a reason: because arming your citizenry also has the potential to reduce our nation’s reliance on the military for protection. Believe it or not, the Founding Fathers intended the Second Amendment to provide Americans with military protection as well domestic defense. Just the look at the language: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State….” Admittedly, having 300 million “militiamen” living in every house in this country might not completely cut it military-wise in today’s world. We’ll still need our battleships and stealth fighter jets and nuclear subs and thousands upon thousands of tanks in order to fight the wars of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But you can’t possibly argue that allowing every person in this great land the ability to go full Red Dawn on the ass of any invader isn’t valuable.

The real question is: how valuable? Well, that’s debatable. I think you have to consider their value in terms of the costs our military currently incurs for infantry soldiers, which fill essentially the same role as militiamen. Right now, the average soldier costs the US Army about $850,000 per year.  Our population is about 320 million people and currently only about a third of American households own a firearm. In other words, there are about 214 million people out there without a firearm. Of course, not all of those can wield a firearm in a soldierly manner, but we’ll say half of those could. That leaves us with 107 million potential militiamen our country could take advantage of with free firearms. Now, even if given the opportunity to receive a free firearm, not everyone will take that opportunity. This is sad but true, so taking out the hippies and other peacenik freaks, let’s assume 100 million of that 107 million would sign up. 100 million people multiplied by the Army’s cost per soldier of $850,000 is an $85 trillion value we would be getting by doing this. Heck, that’s more than even Obama could spend in a year! Am I right?  Hold on, though. We still have to subtract the cost of the firearms themselves. Assuming a relatively conservative $300 per firearm multiplied by 100 million, that puts the cost of arming all of America at a mere $30 billion. Small price to pay for $85 trillion, right? Talk about value!

So there you have it. When you subsidize the Second Amendment you ensure equal access to Constitutional rights, you save on almost all of America’s law enforcement costs and you get roughly $84.7 trillion dollars worth of value added to America’s military might. It’s win, win, win. Write your Congressman today, and let him know you support equal access to Second Amendment rights regardless of a citizen’s financial situation.

12 Skills Every Man Should Know

  1. How to fight dirty. Remember the three D’s: dirt in the eyes, dick punches, and deals. Nothing disables an opponent like hurling something in their eyes and delivering a swift blow to the junk. If these fail, though, stay calm. Just bring out your trump card: the deal. The deal consists of the three S’s: sobbing, saying sorry and sucking up. Start with the waterworks and move on to a tearful plea for forgiveness. Getting on your knees and putting your hands together in prayer is highly recommended. Hopefully, at this point, they’ll be too disgusted to even want to fight and will just walk away. If that doesn’t work, though, make the deal. Offer straight cash or other assets in exchange for dispensing with the ass kicking. Once a deal is struck and they start walking away, then you run up and administer a kick to the balls. If you gave them money, take it back at this point and run like hell.
  2. How to make a proper Tom Collins. Forget martinis or craft whiskey or whatever other bullshit is popular. The most timeless drink of all time is a good, old-fashioned Tom Collins. I mean, who doesn’t love a nice, frosty TC? It’s known as the Bulgaria of cocktails and for good reason. I usually fill up a coffee pitcher and take it out to the apartment pool to watch the co-eds from the nearby community college tanning themselves.
  3. How to get a pity lay. This sometimes comes in handy with the co-eds from the nearby community college. Here are the three C’s of getting a pity lay: cancer, cancer, and cancer. Cancer is the perfect disease for the pity lay. It’s deadly, painful and, most importantly, not contagious. Even better, everyone knows it’s not contagious, so they don’t have to take your word for it. You’d be amazed how many people in this day and age still think they can get hepatitis just shaking my hand. Anyways, remember to use tact. How you drop the C-bomb can be the difference between disgust and lust. PRO TIP: Shave your head to make it look like you just went through chemo. Then, moan loudly and say “Oh god, these anti-cancer drugs.”
  4. How to make a deceptive Match.com profile. Rule one: use an actual photo of yourself. Rule two: Photoshop the hell out of it. I could write a whole article about Photoshopping your Match profile, so I’ll just say this: you want to make your biceps fucking massive. Women love big ass biceps. I’m talking the kind that look like you stuffed a melon under your skin. If a woman doesn’t think you can get ‘roids, she’s not going to think you can get her, either. Also, give yourself a sweet set of abs and some long Fabio hair. When they meet you can just say you cut your hair and they’re not going to see your abs (at least until lay-ter, lol!!!). They might be a little disappointed when they meet you, but they’re already there and will probably be too hungry to turn down a “free” meal regardless of what you really look like. Just as a side note, spend wisely. If dinner goes well and you think you’re gonna get laid, be a man and pay for dinner and shit. If she’s some feminist, Tumblrina bitch who doesn’t want to fuck you, tell her you’re going to the bathroom and then just leave. Let her get stuck with the bill. How’s that for equality?
  5. How to stuff your pants. Women love a huge dong. No doubt about it. Unfortunately, not all of us are as well-endowed as we could be. Good news, though: it doesn’t really matter. Just as long as you give off the appearance of having a big wang they’ll want to fuck you. By the time you two are naked and she discovers the deception, it’ll be too far along and she’ll probably just go through with it anyway. The key to stuffing your pants is not to let whatever you stuff with fall out. I combat the falling out by sewing a wad of socks into all my underwear.
  6. How to dick someone over for a promotion. It’s called capitalism. I say if you don’t like it, go to China. There are countless ways to do this. Really, I could write a book on the subject. For my money and time, though, take a page from politics and run a smear campaign. Classic methods include Photoshopping your competition into porn and sending it to HR, spreading salacious rumors, connecting them to racist literature, or just good old-fashioned physical violence.
  7. How to safely slash your ex’s tires. Tire slashin’ can be dangerous. Those big rubber donuts are under a lot of pressure since they’re holding up a few thousand pounds of solid steel. The best way is to first let the air out of the tires by taking the cap off the valve and poking the little needle inside with a pen or something. Make sure you hear a hiss. If you’re not that pissed you can stop there, but if you really want to let them know you’re swinging some hardcore stones, take a knife and stab them tires like you’re in a prison cafeteria.
  8. How to key your ex’s car to make it count. The key here (no pun intended, lol!!!) is not to use a key at all. Using keys to key cars is a common misconception perpetuated by Big Hardware. It will leave minor scratches at best. Your ex will go have them buffed out or maybe even use one those infomercial scratch pens and think it’s no big deal. She ain’t getting off that easy, bro. My recommendation is to get some coarse sandpaper and a battery-operated hand sander and spell out “Fuck You, Bitch!” on the side of the car. It does a lot of paint damage. Plus, it sends a message. You wanna make ‘em think, right? Don’t forget the comma neither. She might be confused otherwise.
  9. How to put sugar in the tank of your ex’s car. This is harder than you might think. Most cars have little metal pressure flaps you gotta push aside, which is difficult when you’re trying to pour a five pound bag of cane sugar. My tip: jam a funnel in there. It’ll hold the flap aside and make pouring easier. If you’re on the go I’ve heard inserting sugar cubes one at a time by pushing them through the flap is also pretty easy, if a little time consuming.
  10. How to skip out on child support and/or alimony. Bitches and brats will suck you dry if given half the chance. It’s a well known fact that our Family Courts screw men (which is why I’m a Men’s Rights Activist). What they never tell you is, if your ex is a total bitch, you have a Constitutional right to even the score by evading payment on your court-ordered obligations. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to court dozens of times, and I’m an avid listener of a legal call-in show on AM radio. Exercising your rights is easier said than done, of course, but it starts with concealing your assets. I use what’s known to legal scholars as the “bury it in the woods” maneuver, originally perfected by Wesley Snipes. Remember: cash is king. Turn your checking and savings accounts into cash. If you have a retirement account, cash that motherfucker out. Take all of that and bury it in the woods. Next, sell your car and buy a total piece. Bury the excess cash in the woods. Go live in a hotel for awhile and pay cash every night. This may seem excessive, but you’ve got to reduce the size of the target. I would also suggest faking your death and changing your identity (see below). Once those things are done you can “withdraw” your cash from the woods and start living like a normal fucking human being again.
  11. How to change your identity. People die in this country every day and leave a perfectly useable identity behind. Hell, half the registered voters in Louisiana have been dead for a decade or more. Don’t feel bad. They’d be happy to know that someone is helping to preserve the family name.
  12. How to fake your own death. This is easier if you’re already using someone else’s identity, but killing your original persona isn’t as hard as Hollywood would have you believe. There are as many ways to fake your own death as there are stars in the sky, so I won’t get into detail. All I will say is that that beauty of faking your own death is that you can just keep trying until someone buys it. Once one person or organization buys it, everyone else will probably buy it, too. Goodbye credit cards, student loans, child support payments, vehicular manslaughter restitution and thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of overdue library books.

The Ten Commandments of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that truths convenient to our desires are truer than other truths…”

-The Prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1985 Edition

I frequently get asked if I am a Christian. I typically reply that, yes, indeed I am. I then inform my questioners that I am also a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Zoroastrian and a pagan. In fact, I am anything and everything. I am the alpha and the omega and the epsilon and whichever letter I feel convenient to my aims. I am, in other words, whatever it takes.

This is all because I subscribe to the sacred tenets of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, a faith set up on the principle that religious beliefs should be tailored to suit one’s needs, that those ideas, beliefs and principles which help us most in our daily lives, those that most further our desires, confirm our preexisting notions, and satisfy our fears and inadequacies, should be the ones to which we ascribe.

While there is no central text to the Church of Convenient Religious beliefs, much of its philosophy and teachings began as a series of informational brochures passed out at our Founder, Clancy Al Newbaum’s, truck stop and tourist attraction The World’s Largest Non-Stick Frying Pan in New Carlisle, Kansas beginning in the 1980s. These brochures are now referred to as the Sacred Informational Brochures and well-known to all the faithful. While their content is broad, covering everything from what to eat to how to get out of going to an office luncheon, a good starting point for anyone unfamiliar with the faith would be its Ten Commandments of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, first introduced as a part of the 1986 brochure and included as a part of every edition since. These beliefs as they currently stand—and new beliefs are always welcome—are provided below for your Englightenment.

SACRED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: These are all sincerely held religious convictions. They are necessary to my spiritual fulfillment and a fundamental right under the laws of this country. The CCRB is a multidisciplinary faith based on the principle that spiritual fulfillment can be attained through the demand for and fulfillment of preferential treatment. This truth was revealed through the god-man Jim Morrison and his prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, a huge Doors fan.

The Ten Commandments of the CCRB

 “In the beginning the Lord said, if it pleaseth you it pleaseth the Lord. Who are they to question your sincerity? What right have they?”

–CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1999 Edition

First Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to perform jury duty or register for the draft. The Lord thinks you have better things to do and someone else should have to do it.

Second Commandment:

Thou shalt dress in whatever garment you deem comfortable, regardless of the situation. Every day is casual Friday in the eyes of the Lord. Though shalt not be required to wear ties, dress shoes or tuck in thine shirt. The most sacred coverings of the faithful are gym shorts, a t-shirt and sandals, if thou art so inclined.

Third Commandment:

Thou shalt not consume the vegetables which are green of leaf and bitter to the taste unless they be adorned with melted cheese. The Lord finds the holiness of a meal directly related to the quantity of cheese melted upon it and considers such foods exempt from your diet.

Fourth Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to send thank you cards.

Fifth Commandment:

Thou shalt not abide the tyranny of airline zone seating or the membership requirements of the Admiral’s Club, Delta Sky Club, StarAlliance®-affiliated clubs and the USO Lounge. The Lord thinks you have just as much of a right to be there as any of those assholes.

Sixth Commandment:

Thou shalt park in available handicapped spots without a permit. The Lord is pretty sure most of them don’t really need their permit anyway.

Seventh Commandment:

Thou shalt get Black Friday off. For religious reasons, this lack of work must come in the form of paid time off from thine employer. This is also true of any holiday separated from a weekend by a mere day.

Eighth Commandment:

Thou shalt not be required to shower after gym class…or attend gym class altogether. Thou will be fat in 10 years anyway. So sayeth the Lord.

Ninth Commandment:

Thou shalt have thine own dormitory room whilst you attend college, boarding school or a similar institution. Such institutions shall provide this to you at no additional charge in order to prevent you from offending God.

Tenth Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to accommodate any healthcare coverage needs of thine employees that thou does not wish to. The Lord thinks freedom of choice means freedom to cover whatever the hell thou wishes.

Free Will and Other Inevitable Superstitions

The concept of fault is something I really struggled with in law school. Recently I saw an episode of Law and Order that perfectly highlighted my issue with the concept and really with our whole criminal justice system in general.  In it, a straight-laced, previously law-abiding and overachieving high school principal developed a brain tumor that inhibited the impulse control centers in the frontal lobe of her brain. This led her to try to screw anything that moved, including the children she worked with. They arrested her for sexually assaulting a minor and she successfully used the “tumor made me do it” defense.

In the episode they showed CAT scans of her brain seeing pictures of children after the tumor was removed with a similar readout for a certified child molester for comparison. All the good people at the DA’s office came to the conclusion that because her brain now showed the patterns of a normal person, it wasn’t her abnormal brain that caused the crime but the abnormal tumor affecting her normal brain, and therefore she wasn’t at fault. Okay, I agree with the result, but am I the only one who finds it insane that we can forgive one brain malfunction but not another?

If one physical abnormality of the brain, e.g. a tumor, can relieve someone of culpability for a crime, then why shouldn’t another physical abnormality of the brain? People don’t molest children because they’re evil demon souls that need to be sent straight to hell. They molest children because they were born with abnormal brain structure/chemistry that makes them desire children sexually and affords them insufficient impulse control to avoid acting on that. Don’t get me wrong. Molesting children is horrible. I just don’t see how one physical pathology makes someone any more or less guilty than another.

Of course the punishment-minded moral zealots of society proper have a response: it’s a matter of free will. With child molesters they have free will to choose whether or not to selfishly satisfy their dark desires and choose to do so. With the principal in Law and Order, the tumor removed her free will. So I guess the brain tissues we’re born with are a matter of personal responsibility, rich with free will juices and other magic, but tumors, being a creation of the demon of cancer or some shit (who I guess must be actively invited into your brain?), are not?

The thing is, if a physical thing can remove free will, is free will not the product of something physical inside of us? If being drugged can remove free will, is free will, or rather the organ creating its illusion, not physical? And if free will is physical, that is, if it is the product of cause and effect between conglomerations of matter, how can it be free?

Free will, by definition, requires some sort of supernatural element—something beyond the energy and matter, space and time and physical laws that make up our Universe. Purely physical things are completely at the mercy of the rest of the physical world. A rock cannot choose to go right or left. It is acted upon by the rest of the Universe and flows with it, like dominoes tumbling in a row, one after the other. If we are purely physical creatures, there can be no such thing as free will. Certainly a human is more, or at least different from a rock. But just because it is more complex—so complex in fact that we have difficulty ferreting out the causes behind it—does not mean that it is not still a totally physical thing, completely at the mercy of the physical Universe.

Some articles and friends I’ve discussed this issue with have mentioned that the seemingly random behavior of atoms at the quantum level could provide the basis for free will. This is intriguing and gives me more pause than most of the “just because” answers you typically get, but it’s still unsatisfying. Never mind that I doubt the existence of randomness and consider its illusion the inability to grasp the complexity of a situation (i.e. there is no such thing as randomness, just unpredictability by humans), if subatomic randomness were inherent to our structure, how is true randomness any more free from the perspective of personal responsibility than total order and absolute cause and effect? If one time out of one trillion I would kill a man in a given situation, is my poor luck in hitting one of those rare occasions something more deserving punishment than my non-murderous existence? What if one in two? One in five? The point is it doesn’t matter. Chance is by definition not a matter of free will. The idea that we are affected by the world in ways we cannot control but yet responsible for our response to all those effects is absurd.

Free will is, in actuality, of course, a concept rooted in religious superstition and used by our justice system as an excuse for the punishments it doles out to people because they “deserve it.” Murder, rape, and all the rest. Horrible crimes by perfectly ordinary people. Deep down I think most people realize this but choose to ignore it. And why? Guilt. Guilt for the cruelty we visit upon the guilty. Because, as a practical matter, our justice system is horribly inhumane without it. Left without fault and desert-based notions of crime and punishment (what’s known as retributivist justice), we are left without punishment as a justification in itself. Without harming people for the sake of harming them, because they deserve it, we can only imprison or punish people because, as a practical matter, it’s necessary to protect society. That, my friends, would make a huge portion of our “justice” system monstrous. More to the point, it would make us monsters for tolerating it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying we should just abandon our laws because all crimes are understandable given the perpetrator’s physical makeup and life experiences, something over which, without free will, they had no control. What I’m saying is we should revisit the tenets of our retributivist justice system which focuses on revisiting the harm inflicted by the defendant back onto the defendant because we think somehow they had a meaningful choice and decided to do the evil thing and pollute their souls or whatever. Cruelty is never an appropriate response to cruelty. Cruelty is never an appropriate response to anything. Instead of focusing on the results of criminal pathology, why not focus on addressing the cause of the problem? Perhaps there is no way to treat child molesters and therefore they really do need to be locked up for life in order to protect our children, the potential harm to which easily justifies the harm visited upon the defendant by imprisonment. Fine. But shouldn’t we work to minimize the harm that nature has dealt us? Punishment for punishment’s sake makes no sense other than being a half-assed basis for our justice system. Justice is not vengeance. Or at least it shouldn’t be. In our current society, though, I have a hard time telling the difference. In the end, there is no justification for vengeance other than that it satisfies the rage in our monkey minds.