Don’t say “I think” in your writing. It implies a lack of confidence. Say “God revealed this absolute truth to me in a dream” instead.
When you go on a first date, take your date to a sex shop. From then on they’ll associate you with sex.
Attitude is critical. Many negative sensations can be reframed as positive ones. For example, stress is actually the same physiological response as exhilaration and being painfully constipated while doing jumping jacks is the same thing as super hot anal sex.
Most people can’t tell the difference between competence and confidence. Never, ever admit you don’t know how to do something. It’s called leadership.
Enthusiasm is infectious. Try to act really excited about seeing someone next time you meet and they’ll probably pretend to be excited about seeing you, too.
If you’re at a meeting and expect someone is going to take you to task, sit right next to them. They’ll lose the pack mentality that makes them feel safe attacking you since you were sitting close enough to slip something in their drink.
Try this old trick to combat anxiety before your next big presentation: drink four shots of whiskey 20 minutes before you begin.
Whiskey: Nature’s Xanax
It’s a psychological fact that people are more likely to agree to a big favor if you’ve gotten them to agree to a small one first. Next time you’re hitting on a woman, borrow her pen before asking “Wanna bang?”
When a group of people laughs, they instinctively look toward the person they like the most. Tell a joke to get everyone laughing, figure out who the group likes the most, then do your best to sabotage that person so you can take their place as the most beloved.
When giving a big speech, combat your fear of public speaking by imagining everyone is in their underwear and that you’re kicking off a massive orgy. Pre-orgy speeches are generally short and to the point, so they shouldn’t make you that nervous.
Next time you get sick, keep a “culture” of the disease by saving a jar of your phlegm and blood. When you need some time off work, wipe the culture all over your coworker’s desks (or better yet their food). You’ll still have an immunity to the disease, but they will all get sick. Nobody will suspect a thing when you call in sick, too.
If you’re interviewing someone and they only give you a partial answer, remain silent and maintain eye contact. They will probably give you more information when you twist their arm behind their back until it nearly breaks.