Trump Urges America’s Hipsters to Vote for Him Ironically

Photo by Michael Vadon

Photo by Michael Vadon

Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign is pulling out all the stops in an effort to woo the crucial youth vote for the upcoming election. Wednesday night, Trump kicked off his new “Before It Was Cool” campaign tour to a packed auditorium in Brooklyn, NY. Though the rally covered many topics ranging from urban government’s restrictive animal husbandry laws to the patentability of beard styles, the focus of the night was emphasizing that Trump’s candidacy might appeal to young voters in ways they had not considered and that their peers might not expect.

“You know, everyone assumes a lot about you guys,” Trump responded when asked why any sane person would vote for him. “Hipsters, I mean. You guys probably deny it, but you’re all hipsters. I can tell just by looking at you. Sorry, but it’s true. I’m not trying to be mean, but I tell it like it is. Sometimes people don’t like that, but I think America is sick and tired of politicians lying to them.” Trump shrugged before continuing.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love hipsters. Lots of people assume that all you do is drink that disgusting Pabst beer and raise your own chickens, and, you know, all that stuff. All that lady stuff, too. Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. I’ve spent most of my life in New York.”

Though the crowd appeared visibly confused, Trump pressed on. “See, the thing is they—and by ‘they’ I mean the Washington elites, the Democrats, the Republicans, all those politicians—they also think you tow the party line and vote liberal no matter what. You know, in the bag, so why bother? Lost cause, so why bother? Like you’re just a bunch of sheep following whatever’s in fashion. Is that true? Are you sheep? You think that’s true? I don’t think that’s true. I love hipsters.”

Trump paused again, raising his hands into the air and shrugging in an exaggerated fashion. “Well how about you turn that notion on its head by voting for me? I mean, can you think of anything more unlikely for a 20something, skinny jean-wearing urbanite? You know what I’m talking about. The type who works some unpaid internship at a nonprofit and has to ‘borrow’ money from his parents for rent? Can you imagine a little shit like him voting for me? Or her. I love women. I’m like the PBR of candidates.” Several members of the audience shouted their approval, though it was unclear whether they were serious.

“How hilarious would that be?” Trump continued. “People would look at each other and be like did that guy just say he voted for Trump? You won’t even have to announce it, either. I can pay staffers to hand out ‘I Voted Trump’ stickers at the polling places. I can afford it. It won’t even matter since the first thing I’m going to do when I get in office is make the Democrats pay for those stickers. Like most Americans, I’m sick and tired of getting stuck with politicians’ bills, and if it weren’t for the Democrats this country wouldn’t be so screwed up, and I wouldn’t need to run in the first place. It’s not like I  want to be President, you know. You think I like this? Parading around the country, appearing on TV, in the newspapers, on the internet and all of that, giving speeches about the real issues affecting real Americans and speaking the truth for once? No. Hell no. I’m doing it because I care about this country. I’m doing this because I want to make America great again.”

Several young people who denied being hipsters at press time seemed to respond to Trump’s message. “That would be hilarious,” said 24 year-old social media expert Lindsay Gruber. “Like so many of my friends are like, ‘Oh, Donald Trump is so [expletive] stupid. He’s a [expletive] racist and sexist and doesn’t understand anything about politics.’ I can just see the looks on their faces when I show them my ‘I Voted Trump’ sticker. Like, I already bought that red hat he wears because I thought it was hilarious, but actually voting for him? Oh man.”


It’s Time the Government Started Subsidizing Our Constitutional Right to Bear Arms

You hear a lot these days from so-called “progressives” talking about how the “less fortunate” have a “right” to this and that regardless of their ability to pay. You might have noticed “this” and “that” are always somehow rights that liberals like. But people have a right to lots of things, don’t they? Why do liberals get to pick and choose which ones the government pays for? Shouldn’t all of our most sacred rights, those enshrined in the Constitution, be things that everyone has access to in reality and not just in name? Why should someone’s ability to pay affect their ability to exercise the freedoms that make this country great? Liberals will hoot and holler all day long about an indigent defendant’s Constitutional right to a free attorney courtesy of Uncle Sam when that man’s freedom is on the line, but what about when a man’s life is on the line? Should he not be able to defend it with a personal firearm even if he is poor? I say it’s high time the government start subsidizing citizens’ Constitutional right to bear arms.

The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution guarantees all citizens the right to bear arms for personal protection, but the sad truth of the matter is that guns are expensive. This is of course in part because of all the ridiculous gun control regulations liberals pass to drive firearm prices up, but there’s also the simple fact that guns are precision tools and stuff like that never comes cheap. The bottom line is that we now live in a world where not every law-abiding, freedom-loving American can afford to purchase a quality firearm. When it’s either buy a gun or put food on the table, people are usually forced to do the best they can in a bad situation. This is an inescapable fact, and it’s not going to change unless we do something about it. How is it that in the richest nation on Earth, we can’t ensure that every man, woman and child has access to quality, affordable firearms to protect themselves, their property and their loved ones?

Some people argue that, as common sensical and even noble as such a policy might be, it’s simply impractical, that the government simply can’t afford to start buying people guns without raising taxes. Let’s set aside the fact that the government already pays for plenty of non-constitutional rights like welfare and food stamps just because they think people “need” them. That doesn’t matter because of the simple fact that providing guns to the less fortunate won’t cost the government money. It will make the government money.

Yes. You read that right. Why? Because of a principle called shoot first economics.

Let’s start with the simple fact that this country spends billions per year in law enforcement and  what I term “domestic defense.” That is, defending law abiding citizens from criminals, vagrants, ruffians and other ne’er-do-wells , as opposed to military defense, which involves protecting us from foreign invaders and secessionists. Much of that domestic defense comes from paying police officers and other law enforcement professionals to patrol the streets of America, protecting innocent victims from predatory criminal elements. These expenses include salary, benefits, overhead in the form of police buildings, support staff, gas to power their cruisers, etc. All of this adds up to a heck of a lot of money.

It doesn’t have to be this way, though. We don’t have to be victims. The vast majority of domestic defense spending is only necessary because of the surprisingly large portion of the population that either cannot or will not defend themselves with their own personal firearm. The will nots have chosen their lot, and I can do nothing for them. I assume, I hope, I pray, they are few and far between. But the cannots we absolutely can and should help defend themselves.

This isn’t a matter of charity, remember. The beauty of providing equal access to firearms is that if everyone can get a gun, law enforcement will become largely unnecessary, saving taxpayers countless billions of dollars every year. Like most things, the private sector does it better. Rather than just give a blanket level of protection to everyone, it’s far more efficient to give citizens the right to choose exactly how much protection they think they need. This makes sense both because citizens are usually at the scene of a crime and in a better position to stop it (or can at least leave a shotgun booby trapped behind the door), and because those living in less dangerous neighborhoods can tailor a specific, minimal level of protection more appropriate to their situation, rather than the simplistic “every town gets a full police force” model we have now.

Sounds great, right? But remember, this is only possible if every person in America has access to their own firearm. So yes, buying lots of firearms itself costs money, but it’s an investment, not an expenditure. We won’t have to spend so much (if anything) on law enforcement if people just take a little personal responsibility for their own welfare instead of relying on the nanny state for protection. The costs of the firearm and ammo necessary to defend oneself from typical crimes are far less than the costs of the salary and expenses of the officers who would have dealt with that crime had the citizen had not been a responsible gun owner.

So the domestic defense aspect of shoot first economics is obviously sufficient justification for Second Amendment subsidies, right? But wait, there’s more! See, I contrasted domestic defense from military defense for a reason: because arming your citizenry also has the potential to reduce our nation’s reliance on the military for protection. Believe it or not, the Founding Fathers intended the Second Amendment to provide Americans with military protection as well domestic defense. Just the look at the language: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State….” Admittedly, having 300 million “militiamen” living in every house in this country might not completely cut it military-wise in today’s world. We’ll still need our battleships and stealth fighter jets and nuclear subs and thousands upon thousands of tanks in order to fight the wars of yesterday, today and tomorrow. But you can’t possibly argue that allowing every person in this great land the ability to go full Red Dawn on the ass of any invader isn’t valuable.

The real question is: how valuable? Well, that’s debatable. I think you have to consider their value in terms of the costs our military currently incurs for infantry soldiers, which fill essentially the same role as militiamen. Right now, the average soldier costs the US Army about $850,000 per year.  Our population is about 320 million people and currently only about a third of American households own a firearm. In other words, there are about 214 million people out there without a firearm. Of course, not all of those can wield a firearm in a soldierly manner, but we’ll say half of those could. That leaves us with 107 million potential militiamen our country could take advantage of with free firearms. Now, even if given the opportunity to receive a free firearm, not everyone will take that opportunity. This is sad but true, so taking out the hippies and other peacenik freaks, let’s assume 100 million of that 107 million would sign up. 100 million people multiplied by the Army’s cost per soldier of $850,000 is an $85 trillion value we would be getting by doing this. Heck, that’s more than even Obama could spend in a year! Am I right?  Hold on, though. We still have to subtract the cost of the firearms themselves. Assuming a relatively conservative $300 per firearm multiplied by 100 million, that puts the cost of arming all of America at a mere $30 billion. Small price to pay for $85 trillion, right? Talk about value!

So there you have it. When you subsidize the Second Amendment you ensure equal access to Constitutional rights, you save on almost all of America’s law enforcement costs and you get roughly $84.7 trillion dollars worth of value added to America’s military might. It’s win, win, win. Write your Congressman today, and let him know you support equal access to Second Amendment rights regardless of a citizen’s financial situation.

Gold is Old: Why I’m a Rhodium Bug

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

William Hyde Wollaston, the original rhodium bug.

Everyone knows a true conservative’s investment portfolio should look about like this:

  • 10% long term CDs
  • 50% gold coins bought from reputable cable news advertisers
  • 20% cash stuffed under a Smith & Wesson-protected mattress
  • 10% firearms, antique swords and other Pawn Star-grade investment vehicles
  • 10% patriotic, Christian and/or Elvis-themed display plates and similar collectibles

Fewer people, however, know that gold, popular though it may be, is no longer the fairest maiden in the land of precious metals. Sure, it’s had a good run. But as much as it pains me to say it, gold is old. It will probably provide some good returns for the time being, but do you want good returns, or do you want great returns? Do you want to be somewhat prepared for the coming economic collapse, or do you want an impenetrable financial fortress to rival your actual impenetrable fortress in rural Montana?

That’s what I thought. So what is this miraculous metal poised to give investors historic, unprecedented, Biblically-proportioned returns in the comings years? Is it platinum? Gold-pressed latinum? Unobtainium? No, no and no. As you’ve no doubt cleverly deduced from the title of this article, it’s a well-known but little-discussed precious metal called rhodium.

Rhodium, or as savvy investors often refer to it: the cobalt of kings, is the most valuable investment grade metal in the world. In fact, so valuable is rhodium that scientists actually refer to it as a “noble” metal, presumably because in times past only nobles could hope to invest in something so precious. During the first wave of America’s entitlement-fueled economic apocalypse beginning after the “election” of “president” Obama in 2008, the price of rhodium soared to over $10,000 per oz. To put that in perspective, gold, the investment choice of kings since time immemorial and probably the original noble metal, barely made it past $1,900 per oz during that same period. With rhodium now back down to below $2,000 per oz—and, more importantly, with the fat cats on Wall Street and those clowns in Washington thinking our economic problems have blown over—the time has never been more ripe for filling up your coffers with precious rhodium.

What kind of returns can investors expect? That’s a good question. No one can know for certain, of course, but odds are it’s going up…way up. During the inevitable second wave of economic collapse, some experts predict rhodium will reach prices exceeding $20,000 per oz. If you bought in now, that could mean a return on your investment of more than 1,000%! Good luck getting that kind of a return gambling your hard-earned savings in a rigged casino game like the stock market.

So how the heck did rhodium get so valuable in the first place? That’s a smart question, so I’m going to give you the smart answer. But hold on. It gets a little complicated, and I’m going to use a couple terms of art. Don’t be intimidated, though. If you weren’t smart enough to do  this, you wouldn’t have read this far.

See, the beauty of rhodium is that it possesses something savvy investment professionals and financial gurus call “intrinsic value.” That’s just a fancy way of saying that besides being rare, precious and highly sought after, rhodium also has real life, practical uses. Consider your prized AR-15 or replica medieval battle hammer. They’re not just works of art you keep over the mantle and could sell for a lot of cash. They’re also tools that can be used to defend your land. That’s intrinsic value.

What are these practical uses for rhodium, you ask? Well, do you have a catalytic converter in your car? If so, chances are it’s made with rhodium. Now think about this for a second: when most of the world is living in a post-apocalyptic, Mad Max-style wasteland the lie-beral agenda bought us, people are still going to need cars, right? And if there are cars, there are going to be catalytic converters, aren’t there? You know what else that means? Yup. It means there’s going to be high demand for good, old-fashioned rhodium, which will be even rarer since mines will probably be out of  business or converted to producing nothing but overpriced, “green” light bulbs. That’s why you can count on rhodium.

Compare this to the so-called “money” that printing press we call the Federal Reserve puts out. Unless there’s a toilet paper shortage, that stuff has no intrinsic value. Like Monopoly money, it’s only valuable because our government says that’s a part of the game and people blindly follow. It’s what economists called a “fiat currency,” which is the opposite of one that has intrinsic value. You may have heard the term fiat before. No, not the car. I’m talking about ruling by fiat. It’s kind of order made by dictators like Benito Mussolini, his pal Adolf Hitler and our current president/emperor. Yeah, scary as it sounds, America’s whole financial system is based on the techniques of Mussolini and Hitler. Nice, huh?

Okay, okay. So you’re convinced. The question still remains: how much rhodium should you buy? Well, that’s somewhat a matter of personal preference, of course. Really, the question is how rich you want to get. Personally, I would put 100% of my investments into rhodium. However, I recognize that would be a big change and maybe you don’t have the guts for the huge profits that come from America’s safest, most reliable, most intrinsically valuable investment. If that’s the case, might I recommend this: switch out half your current portfolio with rhodium, just to give a shot. Give it a year. Once you realize it’s safe, then maybe switch out the rest of your portfolio, or at least sell the rest of your gold and replace it with good, ol’ rhodium. Sound reasonable?

Dial-Up Using Fox News Viewer Suddenly Has Strong Opinion About Net Neutrality

Mr. Stanton's modem.

Mr. Stanton’s 28k modem.

Sources in Xenia, Ohio report Mark Stanton, a 67 year-old, retired office manager and avid viewer of the cable television channel Fox News, suddenly developed a negative opinion about net neutrality last week despite never having heard of it before then and possessing an understanding of the internet his 35 year-old daughter describes as “beyond rudimentary.”

“This FCC thing is all we need,” said Stanton, who claims his stance on net neutrality is the “pro-capitalism, pro-freedom” position, “More government regulation interfering with the free market and taking money out of the pockets of hardworking, patriotic folks like you and me. They can call it equal opportunity, or whatever euphemism our tyrant-in-chief has cooked up this time. I don’t want it. I don’t need some internet affirmative action jacking up my bill and forcing me to use an inferior government email program instead of my AOL mail. Thanks but no thanks.”

Stanton also mentioned that the FCC is using net neutrality to fund “free internet for welfare queens,” though he admits he isn’t sure of the precise mechanism. “Just go to the business section on FoxNews’ world wide web channel. They explain it better than I can.”

Sources report Stanton’s primary interactions with the internet include posting anti-Obama tirades in the comments section of foxnews.com and checking his email on the America Online account he signed up for 19 years ago in exchange for a discount on a Compaq computer purchased for his then-teenage daughter.

“You can read all my blogs at h-t-t-p-s-colon-backslash-backslash-f-o-x-n-e-w-s-period-c-o-m-backslash,” said Stanton of his postings. I’m ConstitutionMan1776.”

Though Stanton is reportedly aware of more modern methods of connecting to the internet, he insists his dial-up internet connection “works just fine” and that he “[doesn’t] see the point of that wi-fi internet,” which is how he refers to all types of broadband connection, regardless of whether users connect via wi-fi router. “My daughter told me I should get that, but when I saw the monthly price tag I told my cable company they could stick it where the sun don’t shine. Heck, it was more than I pay for my AOL, and it was just for the modem part.”

New “Econobot” Puts America’s Economists Out of Work

Economists around the nation are buzzing about the increased value accruing to society as a result of a new invention that has made all their jobs totally obsolete.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” said Norman Frankl, former economist and inventor of the device.  “This is what the free market is all about, folks. Services which used to cost consumers into the hundreds of dollars per hour plus a full benefits package can now be had for pennies.”

Frankl’s invention, called Econobot, consists of a lifelike, anthropomorphic robot programmed to use a comprehensive economics software suite called Efficient Market. From teaching undergrads and writing multivolume treatises to delivering cherry-picked data and partisan talking points to television news outlets, Econobot can replicate every service previously performed by the nation’s economists.

“It even has a ‘rogue’ function for producing contrarian podcasts and rant-based blogs,” says Frankl. “One time I set [my Econobot] Chester to rogue, and he played a prank on some snobby professor buddies of mine, tricking them into declaring Franzia top shelf French wine after changing the labels in a tasting game.”

Econobot also aims to imitate the various lifestyles of the professionals it replaces. Depending on user-defined settings, the robot can wear everything from a bow tie, suspenders and tweed to free t-shirts it forages from festivals it just happened to be walking by. It also requires no charging, instead running on heat generated by the chemical breakdown of bulk-purchased, wholesale ramen and Kraft Easy Mac.

Just as important, Econobot is capable of performing its functions through the lens of nearly every school of economic thought in a manner Forbes magazine gushed is “just as cold and borderline sociopathic as the discipline’s most influential human practitioners.”

“I don’t care if you’re a world famous academic or the armchair economist next door,” says inventor Frankl, “This thing can do your thing, and it can do it better. Keynesian or supply-sider, pre-modern, classical, Chicago school, Neo-Ricardian, gold bug, Austrian, Marxian, ecological, feminist. You name it. And it’s all further customizable by the user. There are 100 different settings for smugness alone.”

Before Econbot, the only people with the resources to obtain top flight economic insight were large corporations, educational institutions and governments. Everyone else seeking personalized economic analysis usually had to procure the services of lesser-known, independent economists working the street corners, infomercials and blogs of America. These “indy” economists generally practiced outside mainstream economic thought, which was not always appealing to some consumers.

This increase in consumer choice is a welcome change for most of the nation’s former economists, and Econobot agrees. Indeed, the general response among the former economics community at large has been one of jubilation as the gears of capitalistic progress grind what meager livelihood and meaning they had derived from life into ash and dust. Many are even committing suicide so as not to inefficiently leech off the economy’s resources in unemployment, since they no longer possess any marketable skills and will likely be unable to find another job anytime soon, if ever.

“This is a fantastic example of disruptive innovation,” said Malthus T. May, former economics professor at the University of Chicago, while standing in line at the Cook County unemployment office. “Some great new invention just came out of nowhere and totally changed how we look at the economics industry. Of course, you don’t need me to tell you that anymore. Just go down to your local Econobot retailer or one of the many websites offering free, ad-supported Econobot analysis.”

“It’s wonderful. Really, it is,” May insisted, digging through the crevices of his empty wallet. “So many people who previously could not afford the services of a top flight economist can now get exemplary economic analysis for next to nothing. Thank god Congress decided not to pass any inefficient, protectionist regulations which might have preserved my job at the cost of progress.”

I’m a Registered Non-Voter

Let’s fix this fucker up.

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate consisting of hundreds of different publications spreading Truth throughout the world. From time to time we will reprint articles from our sister publications which our editorial staff have deemed particularly important or relevant to the modern world and of exceptionally high quality. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana, following the November midterm elections. It is penned by frequent contributor and renowned humanitarian Jake Besco.

To the Editor of the Greensburg Observer,

As another election season has come and gone, it’s important to take time to consider how lucky we are to live in a country where anybody, no matter how humble their origins or nakedly self-serving their ambitions, can become super rich and impose their will on the nation by spending gargantuan sums of money. As Adam Smith once wrote, campaign contributions and corporate media propaganda are the very foundation of any healthy capitalist democracy. It’s Freedom with a capitalist F. The troops (thank you for your service, etc.) may fight for our freedom, and we may love our freedom, but it is these glorious citizens who get our freedom. Let us thank our holy and inspired founding fathers for giving us such a precious gift as the right to choose which party stooge gets to root around America’s cookie jar this year.

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s time you give up, stop pretending you have any voice and join me in giving it all the middle finger.

Fellow citizens, I’m a registered non-voter. I have been ever since I started not voting at the age of 18. Every election Tuesday I take some time off work, fire up the ol’ Chevy and drive down to the polling place. I wait in line (no cutting!), fill in a few bubbles on a blank sheet of paper to simulate the physical stresses of voting and then leave.

Yep. That’s it. Hardcore non-voting.

Why go to all this trouble? To prove I’m not just being lazy. Let me be clear: no voting occurs during this whole empty act. I am simply scribbling on a piece of paper I brought with me. This is my way of pissing on the whole process without feeling like a piece of crap, or at least without feeling like a lazy piece of crap. I like to call it active cynicism.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking. Why oh why? You have a civic responsibility, Jake! Do you know how many people would kill/have died for the right to vote? Don’t complain when the person you don’t like gets elected!

Let me be clear: fuck off.

In America, we get our choice of laws like people at Golden Corral get their choice of food. There’s a whole lot of every kind of food, and it’s all shit. In every election there is a 99% chance a person I don’t like will get elected and only watered-down, filler-stuffed laws I don’t give a shit about will reach a meaningful vote in Congress. The best I can hope for in this situation is the person I dislike less getting elected, the buffet equivalent of a C+ chicken noodle soup I can stomach for an entire bowl.

Note that I said something will come along. Someone never, ever comes along. Every generation must learn this fact the hard way by caring about a candidate, getting them elected and then realizing that they’re essentially the same as everyone else. Barack Obama is the Millennial Generation’s version of this. His crime isn’t that he’s done anything any worse than other politician, it’s that he led us to believe he was different from other politicians. When he finally got into office and showed us that he was just a typical career politician, it was like when you compare the burger you get in real life to the one you saw in the restaurant’s ad. He’s a match.com date whose picture looked like a 10 but turned about to be a 4 when you finally met. Perhaps he wouldn’t have seemed so bad if he had sold himself as just another career politician, but he was supposed to be something different.

Although, I suppose, if I’m really honest with myself, what I really hate about elections isn’t so much the candidates, as the people who elect them. The candidates are just a reflection in our collective mirror, being what they are because that’s what works in elections. Anyone who spoke their mind and advocated real change on real issues would not get elected. Ever. What I’m saying is I despise our process because I despise voters—that is to say decent, hardworking “folks” like you and me, your average Joes, your straight shooters, the teeming, gelatinous client base of Wal-Mart. These are folks with good old-fashioned values, the kind of people who care about the price of gas and their local sports team more than civil rights or flaws in our justice system. They lap up pandering slogans, rhetorical tricks and nipple slips like hogs at a trough of half-fermented slops.

I refuse to be a folk. I demand to be manipulated in a sophisticated way. Don’t just pull on my goddamn strings and expect me to dance. I’m not a goddamn monkey. I just evolved from goddamn monkeys. Folks don’t even have the dignity of being difficult to manipulate. Just memorize a list of talking points containing “opinions” like finding strength and guidance in one’s faith, enjoying hard work and vigorous competition, glorifying the past, all the lessons learned from having come from humble beginnings, acting like the Constitution is holy scripture, rabidly supporting small business, having your cake and eating it too with taxes, etc. Did I mention gas prices? Throw as wide of a net as possible, throw in some argument-ending kill words like “socialist” or “racist” to describe your opponent and reel the folks onto your boat, flopping around naked and suffocating before you lop their empty heads off.

But this is not news. Plenty of people know it. In their hearts, even the folks know it. What bothers me is that people don’t have the common decency to lapse into pit of active cynicism like myself. They process way too seriously. They still hoot and holler when politicians don’t deliver and/or break their promises. Really, though, what did you expect? Politicians are people whose primary motivation in life is the accumulation of as much power as possible. Who could you possibly trust less with a whole shit ton of power than someone willing to say anything to get it? It’s like trusting a junky with your stash or an alcoholic with your booze.

When these people say they want to give back, make America strong again, etc., all they’re saying is they want to stick their dick in the proverbial American pie. They’re whispering sweet nothings in Lady Liberty’s ears to get into her pants. But, unlike most women who have repeatedly had their trust violated, she just keeps coming back for more.

Hugs and Kisses,

Jake Besco

We’re All Welfare Queens

One thing I hate about discussing politics with pretty much anyone is how little people tend to realize the extent of the benefits they receive from the government. Most people have a tendency to notice only the most direct of government benefits (particularly those that they don’t receive themselves), as if the only benefits the government provides to some groups and not to others are cash payments. And I’m not just talking about oblivious morons who think welfare and food stamps don’t count as help. I’m talking about the subtler ways people benefit at another’s expense and don’t even realize it. The government provides all sorts of benefits to everyone, not just the people getting a US Treasury check in the mail.

A good example is deliveries performed by the US Postal Service. Believe it or not, the US Government subsidizes rural living. How? Well, guess what’s a huge pain the ass for mail carriers? Delivering to rural homes out in the middle of nowhere. It takes a lot of extra time and gas to deliver a given amount of letters when the houses are all half a mile apart, so delivering 100 letters to 100 rural homes costs the Postal Service far more time and money than does delivering 100 letters to 100 urban homes. But guess what? No matter where you’re sending a letter, the price of the stamp to get it there costs the same amount and package deliveries are based on size and weight, not location.

In other words, Uncle Sam and leechy, socialist, city dwellers like me are subsidizing the lifestyles of hardscrabble, independent, red meat rural folks who think they’ve never sucked at the teat of government a day in their lives. I’m literally paying a rural living tax to keep them in their current lifestyle every time I pay to send a letter or package that goes to an urbanite instead of a country mouse, which in practice is basically every letter or package.

And you know what? I don’t care.

There’s nothing wrong with this situation. It makes sense from a public policy standpoint. Everyone should be able to have access to affordable delivery service. It’s good for our economy and promotes increased market participation, something which benefits all of us, myself included. Plus, I just like living in a country where people have the choice of what type of place they want to live in.

So my only point is this: get off your damn high horse about how independent you are. None of us are Ron Swanson. We all suck off the government teat in some way.

Consider public schooling. Unless you’re a diehard libertarian, most people agree that having universal education is a good thing, and whether the parents have “earned” the right for their children to attend school is irrelevant. Having an educated populace is extremely beneficial to our economy in countless ways. It increases productivity, advances technology and promotes the flow of ideas. After all, if your postman doesn’t know how to read, he might have an issue getting that package of ammo you ordered to your survivalist compound in Montana.

But, that said, some people get a better deal than others out of the public education system, at least on the surface. If the schools in your area are funded through property taxes, people with more valuable properties will pay a higher tax despite the fact that their kids will go to the exact same school (if they even have kids). The fairest way to do it, at least in the sense of treating everyone identically, would be to charge a flat rate per child to all parents sending their kids to the school. This is, in effect, how private schools work. The problem is, if universal education and the massive economic benefits that come with it are your goal, that’s never going to work. Some people will inevitably be unable or unwilling to pay the fees, and their kids won’t attend the schools. So having wealthier tax payers in some way subsidize the poorer tax payers is really the only practical option. Therefore, unless you have above average property values or income (or however your schools are funded) or no kids (like me), someone is effectively subsidizing your child’s education.

But once again, I don’t care.

For any sort of public thing, be it a school, a road, a library, a stoplight, a pool, a park, a court, a rec center or a free digital television signal coverter box when we made that switch from analog to digital, one group of people is always going to be subsidizing another. Typically, the subsidized group is going to be the one making below average wages or using the public thing more than others. But just because you’re making a little less than the local average or use the local library or park a little more than average doesn’t make you some leeching welfare queen. It’s just how things must work as a practical matter.

And just because you don’t use a public thing directly doesn’t mean you don’t benefit from it, either. A wealthy business owner who never sends kids to the local public school might still benefit from it in the form of having a better educated workforce that performs a better job at his company, which allows the company to succeed and make mad stacks of Benjies.

People never think this way, though. It’s always about the simplest, most direct causes and effects and the most immediate, short-term burdens. But the world isn’t a zero sum game. Too many people in America act like the piñata just burst open and they need to scramble and jam as much candy in their pockets as possible before it’s too late. This is counterproductive. Fighting and blaming are always counterproductive. There are many massive benefits our civilization can only realize through cooperation. Of course, it’s impossible to know the complete trail of effects any given policy has, and sometimes public programs really are unfair or a horrible idea. I’m not saying that any public program is a good thing just because of the myriad benefits we might not even think about. I’m just saying we need to think a little bit deeper about the total costs and benefits of these programs and not just who is footing the bill right this moment.

Wake Up America! (Part IV)

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate. From time to time, NFFHC will reprint articles from our sister publications which the editorial staff have deemed of exceptionally high quality and particularly important or relevant to the modern world. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana. It is the last in a four part series of letters on the topic from American citizen and freelance man-of-letters Randy Miller.

The Last Bastion of American Freedom

Dear Editor,

Well fellow citizens, it looks like the powers that be have “won” the battle of my trial. Your’s truly, Randy Miller, Citizen, is now Randy Miller, Inmate #401L435. It’s alright, though. Heck, I could use some from time. It’ll give me a chance to really delve deep into my scholarly research. Oh yes, old Randy is doing just fine. Don’t you worry about him.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, “Wow, I feel really sorry for Mr. Miller. Here in this mixed up, crazy place we call the modern world, we have a rare example of a man who actually stands up for what he believes, for his freedom, and what do they do to him? They thrown him in prison.” None of that is untrue fellow citizens, but I’m telling you: don’t feel bad. As you are all probably aware by now, this is no longer a free country. A handful of leftist radicals have done their best to destroy every last thing freedom loving patriots hold dear, and I am really just another one of their many victims. We’re all their victims, really. It’s just more obvious with me. All I can say is don’t feel sorry for me. As luck (destiny?) would have it, I just happen to have discovered a little pocket of liberty which the oligarchy that rules this country has failed to squash.

Where is this paradise, you ask? An obscure island off the coast of Alaska? A time machine?  An off the grid, self-sufficient, walled-in compound in rural Montana with an entirely gold-based economy, and daily, mandatory firearms practice and marching drills for all citizens aged four and up? Nope. Wrong on all counts fellow citizens. I’m talking, of course, about prison!

As some of the savvier readers of my letters may know, the American prison system is the envy of the world. America imprisons more citizens per capita than any other nation on Earth. In fact, for every  100,000 citizens in this country there are a robust 716 Americans behind bars, and this number is projected to grow in the years to come as the privately run prison industry lobbies the government for increasingly punitive laws. To put this in perspective, our freedom-depriving, draft-dodger-infested neighbor to the north, Canada, imprisons an anemic 114 per 100,000. Can you believe that? How can a nation be free if it’s not free of law-breakers?

By now I’m sure some of my more narrow-minded readers are thinking, “Wait a minute Randy, is that really a good thing? I mean, nobody wants to go to prison.” Sigh. This couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a common misconception perpetrated by the Liberty-stalking hippies and Quakers of this country that prison is a bad thing and that it restricts your Liberty. In fact, it does quite the opposite. It’s sort of like that thing where Iceland is the green one and Greenland is the icy one, presumably the work some medieval expert consultant from the PR and Marketing Guild.

So how is prison good for personal freedom? Well, for one thing, consider the prison economy. As far as I can tell, it is the only truly free market, laissez-faire economy on Earth. People here use their free time in the productive pursuits of their choice with little to no interference from the guards. And even when they do interfere, you can get around that through a good, old-fashioned bribe.

The entire economy is built on the currency of the cigarette standard, which, unlike fiat currencies used by countries like America, actually has use and underlying value beyond that dictated into it by the powers that be. On top of that, there are no taxes to speak of, be they income, sales, value-added or whatever. If I make 100 cigarettes in a day through my productive labors, I will keep 100 cigarettes and may spend them as I wish, free from government worms burrowing their way in for a cut.

I haven’t been this excited in years. I feel like Dagny Taggart uncovering John Galt’s secret mountain hideout in Colorado. Everyone here is paid by the value they provide and nothing more or less. The other day I earned 20 cigarettes for providing a fellow inmate instruction as to how to properly stitch a minor shanking wound and spent those cigarettes on a well worn James Madison biography and instruction in the making of the prison beverage known as Pruno.

It’s inspiring to see people who, on the outside, chose a life of crime, come here and suddenly their whole outlook changes. No more crime. No more tricks. No stifling regulation from the Boys in Washington sucking our blood. Just people driving themselves to heroic new levels of production and usefulness. Where an outsider may see a stick or toothbrush, an inmate will see a potential shiv and profit. Where an outsider may see half a bottle of cranberry juice, some old peaches and a steel toilet, an inmate sees a business opportunity. Why, if your average person on the outside had half their gumption, we could conquer China tomorrow.

Oh, and you know what else? The prison economy is roaring. Guess what the unemployment rate is in our fine prison? Surprise, surprise: zero percent. Without a government and their schmoozing cronies taking a cut of everyone’s cigarettes, we are motivated to work to our full potential. As a result, the prison hall is a hotbed of small business entrepreneurship. Toilet vinters, drug mercantilists, weapons smiths, personal trainers. And let me tell you, what Pruno lacks for in quality of ingredients it more than makes up for with the sweet taste of freedom added to it.

I’d also like to point out that every man is employed in useful labors, too. Doing laundry, making license plates, cooking meals, trading goods, etc. Not one gets to leech off society by somehow trying to get paid for doing something silly and unproductive like painting or making music. With exception of tattooing, the “arts” are virtually nonexistant here. Without government grants and university professorships, those types have no way to support themselves without getting people to pay for their wares on the open market. And you know what people are willing to pay for that rubbish? Nothing!

We need the government for virtually nothing here. Even policing and protection are controlled through private enterprise. I myself pay for protection from an extremely scary-looking group of guys through cigarettes and some personal services.

In a free society such as this you’ll also come to notice that there’s a different culture of interpersonal interactions. For one thing, there is zero political correctness. People here know how to call a spade a spade. A is A and the Aryan Brotherhood is me. Right now I’m not technically a member, but I’ve done some work for them, and I am a proud Christian male of Northern European descent. I like their style and they like mine. And that’s just how it is in prison. The old racial segregations are alive and well, as if the hippies never happened. Everyone knows their place and that’s just how it is.

My Aryan Brothers have a real commitment to old-fashioned Christian values, too. The other day they beat the snot out of some the Muslim inmates for no reason (other than that they were Muslim. In this man’s America, that’s enough. You don’t have to wait for them to bomb a skyscraper or shoot up a school before doing something about it. Now that’s freedom of religion! Guys in the joint don’t hide their Christianity either. Instead they put it right out in the open for all to see. My roommate Frank has a giant cross that covers up the whole of his back. Can I get an amen brother?!

It’s going to be hard to leave this place. It really is. I’ve got 5-10 years, but I’ll probably get kicked out in three for “good behavior” knowing the hippies they install on parole boards nowadays. My fellow Americans, I urge you to write your congressman tell him to support our prison system. Right now it’s still going strong, but you know the powers that be would love to rip their fangs in and nationalize it, turning it into one of those socialist prisons in Norway.

God Bless,

Randy Miller, Citizen

Wake Up America! (Part I)

NFFHC is a part of W. Keith Zoroastrian Enterprises, an international media conglomerate consisting of hundreds of different publications spreading Truth throughout the world. From time to time we will reprint articles from our sister publications which our editorial staff have deemed particularly important or relevant to the modern world and of exceptionally high quality. What follows was originally published as a letter to the editor in the Greensburg Observer, a news and opinion journal located in Greensburg, Indiana. It is the first in a four part series of letters from American citizen and freelance man-of-letters Randy Miller.


To the Editor and Readers of the Greensburg Observer,

In these troubled times it seems like everyone I know, be they coworkers and friends or even my own family, has given up their God-given right to independence. Like our Founding Fathers, I have always prided myself on my ability to accomplish things with my own power and skill, relying solely on my own brain, my own elbow grease, and my own heaping serving of good, old-fashioned American gumption. This attitude has always served me well and is something I have always tried to instill in my children and inspire in my acquaintances. However, the more I attempt to evangelize this critical element of the American spirit to others, the more I realize just how sorely lacking it is in most so-called Americans today.

Take my kids. As became evident one night last month on a particularly dark and lonely stretch of I-70, not a single one of those ungrateful brats knows how to change a blown tire. On top of that, they suggested I call that prissy coddle-factory known to the lazy, teeming masses as AAA. I was even more taken aback than the time I discovered my normally dutiful wife Theresa didn’t know how to change the oil in my car (you bet your behind she knows how now). And my kids and wife are not alone. My coworker Stan conveniently claims not to know how to change the printer paper, half my neighbors call a handy man just to change a light bulb or unclog a drain, and my sister Sue paid the jackals at Geek Squad to install her new computer. My point is, in this age where we pay everyone to do everything for us, haven’t we lost a part of ourselves? My grandfather could build an entire house with a hammer or medium-sized rock, the woods out back, and a saw or well-trained beaver (which he trained himself, by the way). My brother Steve can’t even cook microwave popcorn.

Well I say we take the power back! It’s time we relearn how to do things ourselves, right? A little time invested today will reap rich dividends for the rest of your life, and in most cases I think you’ll find that it’s not as hard as it seems. Let me repeat this, because it’s important: it’s not as hard as it seems. The problem is really just that most of these so-called “professionals” out there that we hire to do things for us want to keep that a secret so decent, hardworking folks like you and me keep having to pay them outlandishly high, endlessly skyrocketing rates to do something we could easily do ourselves.

Take doctors for instance. You’re telling me it takes eight years of education and several more in on the job training to diagnose my kid’s mild concussion and hand me bottle of Tylenol? Oh, you don’t say?! I could have told Clay that myself if Sherry Harper hadn’t rushed him to the Urgent Care Center without my permission the moment he fell out of Mikey Harper’s tree house. No, the real reason they “need” so much education—the secret they don’t want to tell you—is doctors want to keep the barrier to entry as high as possible to keep you and me from trying to take a cut out of their scam. They want to maintain the status quo so they can charge me $5,000 for that “service” they rendered my son. Heck, I buy crude by the barrel and distill my own gasoline. You think I can’t do a little doctoring? I might not have a fancy-schmancy MRI machine like they ran Clay through, but I’ve got plenty of experience with concussions and a gut feeling that consistently outperforms the market. Better yet, I don’t charge anything.

And speaking of doctor education, half those eight years aren’t even attempting to appear job related either. I spent a semester in college living with one of these so-called “pre-med” students. The guy was taking zero medical classes. The closest thing in there was a biology class, so I guess he might have learned how to operate on a fruit fly or something. Heck, he even had a literature class. What, pray tell, does reading Jane Austen have to do with curing the sick? Did he not get enough of that baloney in high school? (And don’t get me started on the government taking my money to fund the brainwashing of our nation’s children at some so-called public school.)

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sure Randy, I see your point about the concussion, but what about more difficult stuff like surgery? Don’t you need a professional for that? I mean people could get hurt if you screw that up.” To that my answer remains the same: it isn’t as hard as it seems.

Take removing an appendix, for example. This is a simple procedure every independent-minded, God-fearing American patriot should know. It’s basically the oil change of human surgery—a weekend to learn, a lifetime of savings. And believe me, I know. I performed preemptive appendectomies for all my kids after my wife Theresa got appendicitis and that racket down at the ER tried to charge us more than the value of our double wide to remove it. Nuh uh. I ain’t falling for that again, brother.

As to the how, the only advice I can give you is just practice, practice, practice. If you don’t feel comfortable starting on your family members, go down to the pound and pick up a couple dogs, or better yet catch some strays yourself. Their bodies aren’t exactly the same but it will definitely help you get a feel for mammalian skin and organs. Cats work, too. Our cat Boris had the squirts last week, so I opened him up for some exploratory surgery—you know, just to make sure everything looked alright. Didn’t find anything, but he took a turn for the worst later that week. I guess sometimes there are things that even surgery can’t solve, but it’s really a myth of our nation’s medical cartel that surgery is dangerous. Sure, some folks have died at some points in the past, but what they don’t tell you is that most of those people were very sick to begin with and probably would have died anyway. I mean use your brains for second people: they were in a hospital for a reason. You don’t go to the hospital when you’re feeling fine.

Oh, and before I forget, I have one other piece of practical advice: get some tarps. Don’t be a cheap ass like I was and think you can get away with just putting down newspaper. Surgery isn’t all neat and pretty and McDreamy like on TV. It’s messy as hell. You do get better with practice, of course, but it’s still going to be bloody. I suppose maybe you could tape together some trash bags or something, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

Oh, and another thing: get a decent anesthetic. My first appendectomy on the kids I just gave little Bo a bottle of NyQuil and a couple shots of whiskey. I figured since he’s only four it wouldn’t take much to knock him out real good. It worked, but not perfectly. He was raving like a lunatic for about half an hour before he finally passed out to a surgery-ready state. And trust me, having vomit all over the operating space isn’t very sanitary. Fortunately, I later discovered that an ether soaked rag works just as well. In fact, it’s what they used to use during the Civil War, back when men were men and anyone with a little gumption and good knife could be a doctor. That’s the way to go if you can. The kids recover from it a lot quicker, and I can save some for myself for afterwards (wink, wink).

Oh, one last thing. It’s going to cost you a little extra, but a genuine medical scalpel is worth the money. That first time on Bo I used a steak knife, which I figured was designed to cut into meat, but it’s really a lot more work than you’d think and leaves a nasty scar. It was Kitchen Aid knife, too, so don’t think it didn’t work because I was just using some cheap knife I stole from the buffet. Just buy a damn scalpel. They’re like $15 on Amazon. In a pinch I bet an X-Acto knife might work, too, now that I think about it.

Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: “Hey Randy, what about the risk of infection doctors are always going on about? Shouldn’t I get some antibiotics, too? You know, just in case?” Let me tell you why you’re wrong there. See there’s something called antibiotic resistant bacteria floating around there right now. The so-called doctors say it’s because the antibiotics just “stopped working” because we’ve used them too much and bacteria are adapting. Baloney. That’s a pretty transparent excuse if you ask me. See what’s really happening—what they don’t want you to know—is that antibiotics never really worked in the first place. Folks were starting to catch on, see, so these conmen doctors are trying to cover their tracks by concocting some bull plop about antibiotic resistant bacteria. Plus, as if that weren’t enough, I’m pretty sure antibiotics cause the autism, too. Just a got a gut feeling about it. If there’s one thing you can trust in this crazy world, it’s ol’ Randy’s gut. You can set your watch to it. Heck, I don’t even own a watch.

The fact of the matter is you don’t need antibiotics or disinfectant or anything besides just good, old-fashioned soap and water. If you do your job right and really give the dining room table (or wherever you perform your surgery) a good, thorough scrubbing, use a new tarp and run your scalpel through the dishwasher, infection shouldn’t be a problem. The human immune system is a wonderful thing, see. Left to its own devices it can fight most infections. So why not let your immune system do the work? It’s particularly strong in kids. That’s why I made sure to do the appendectomies on my young ‘uns while they were still young. Plus, kids heal quickly and give you some room for error, which you’ll probably need your first couple times.

Well, I have so much more to tell your good readers, but I’ll save it for another day seeing as I’m getting near the Observer’s word limit. Let me close by saying this one more time: it’s not as hard as it seems. You have a right to control your own destiny. Together we can save millions on all sorts of things the so-called “experts” want to make you think you’re just too dumb and ignorant to do. Plus, you get the satisfaction of knowing you did it yourself.

God Bless,

Randy Miller, Citizen

The Ten Commandments of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs

“We hold these truths to be self-evident: that truths convenient to our desires are truer than other truths…”

-The Prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1985 Edition

I frequently get asked if I am a Christian. I typically reply that, yes, indeed I am. I then inform my questioners that I am also a Buddhist, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Zoroastrian and a pagan. In fact, I am anything and everything. I am the alpha and the omega and the epsilon and whichever letter I feel convenient to my aims. I am, in other words, whatever it takes.

This is all because I subscribe to the sacred tenets of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, a faith set up on the principle that religious beliefs should be tailored to suit one’s needs, that those ideas, beliefs and principles which help us most in our daily lives, those that most further our desires, confirm our preexisting notions, and satisfy our fears and inadequacies, should be the ones to which we ascribe.

While there is no central text to the Church of Convenient Religious beliefs, much of its philosophy and teachings began as a series of informational brochures passed out at our Founder, Clancy Al Newbaum’s, truck stop and tourist attraction The World’s Largest Non-Stick Frying Pan in New Carlisle, Kansas beginning in the 1980s. These brochures are now referred to as the Sacred Informational Brochures and well-known to all the faithful. While their content is broad, covering everything from what to eat to how to get out of going to an office luncheon, a good starting point for anyone unfamiliar with the faith would be its Ten Commandments of the Church of Convenient Religious Beliefs, first introduced as a part of the 1986 brochure and included as a part of every edition since. These beliefs as they currently stand—and new beliefs are always welcome—are provided below for your Englightenment.

SACRED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: These are all sincerely held religious convictions. They are necessary to my spiritual fulfillment and a fundamental right under the laws of this country. The CCRB is a multidisciplinary faith based on the principle that spiritual fulfillment can be attained through the demand for and fulfillment of preferential treatment. This truth was revealed through the god-man Jim Morrison and his prophet Clancy Al Newbaum, a huge Doors fan.

The Ten Commandments of the CCRB

 “In the beginning the Lord said, if it pleaseth you it pleaseth the Lord. Who are they to question your sincerity? What right have they?”

–CCRB Sacred Informational Brochure, 1999 Edition

First Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to perform jury duty or register for the draft. The Lord thinks you have better things to do and someone else should have to do it.

Second Commandment:

Thou shalt dress in whatever garment you deem comfortable, regardless of the situation. Every day is casual Friday in the eyes of the Lord. Though shalt not be required to wear ties, dress shoes or tuck in thine shirt. The most sacred coverings of the faithful are gym shorts, a t-shirt and sandals, if thou art so inclined.

Third Commandment:

Thou shalt not consume the vegetables which are green of leaf and bitter to the taste unless they be adorned with melted cheese. The Lord finds the holiness of a meal directly related to the quantity of cheese melted upon it and considers such foods exempt from your diet.

Fourth Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to send thank you cards.

Fifth Commandment:

Thou shalt not abide the tyranny of airline zone seating or the membership requirements of the Admiral’s Club, Delta Sky Club, StarAlliance®-affiliated clubs and the USO Lounge. The Lord thinks you have just as much of a right to be there as any of those assholes.

Sixth Commandment:

Thou shalt park in available handicapped spots without a permit. The Lord is pretty sure most of them don’t really need their permit anyway.

Seventh Commandment:

Thou shalt get Black Friday off. For religious reasons, this lack of work must come in the form of paid time off from thine employer. This is also true of any holiday separated from a weekend by a mere day.

Eighth Commandment:

Thou shalt not be required to shower after gym class…or attend gym class altogether. Thou will be fat in 10 years anyway. So sayeth the Lord.

Ninth Commandment:

Thou shalt have thine own dormitory room whilst you attend college, boarding school or a similar institution. Such institutions shall provide this to you at no additional charge in order to prevent you from offending God.

Tenth Commandment:

Thou shalt not have to accommodate any healthcare coverage needs of thine employees that thou does not wish to. The Lord thinks freedom of choice means freedom to cover whatever the hell thou wishes.