tips

13 Weightlifting Tips for Real Men

By Todd “The ‘Cep” Brock, guest contributor

507px-Bodybuilder,1953Bro, let me ask you something: you wanna get huge? Sure. Who the fuck doesn’t? But it’s hard, right? What with all the bullshit promises and clickbait and infomercial junk, how do you separate what’s gonna get you sleeve-ripping slabs of lean muscle and what’s just gonna get your wallet lean? Well fear not, Todd is here to help you separate fact from fiction and get you ripped out of your fucking skull. Below are my top tips for anyone looking to step up his game and become a real man. Every last one has been critical to forging my award-winning, 28” biceps (no, that ain’t a typo, bro). If you want pythons like these you best absorb every last tip into your brain bucket and implement daily. Trust me. The days of you getting swirlies will be done. Soon you’ll be administering your own swirlies to all sorts of pencil-necked nerds, not to mention dipping your dick in more strange than you know what to do with.

TIP 1: Cold hard fact: steroids are good for you. This tip is fundamental to my whole system, so don’t ignore it. ‘Roids make you huge like God intended and help get rid of disgusting fat. Big Fitness doesn’t want you to know that, though. They want you to keep wasting your time and money on worthless personal trainer sessions and protein shakes, so they spread this propaganda about ‘roids being bad for you. I’ll give you the only personal training session you’ll ever need right here, for free: get some fucking ‘roids. There. Done. You’re gonna be scary big, bro.

TIP 2: Chicks dig enormous, disproportionate biceps. Sick biceps are the currency of love, bro. Exchanging goods for services, know what I mean? I’m talking the sort of ‘ceps that look like you’re smuggling bowling balls in your arms. Write this down, bro: at least 80% of your workout should be bicep work. You hear all this talk about the 80/20 rule on the internet lately? Yeah, that’s what they’re talking about. And that’s at a minimum. I actually do a 90/10 workout. And believe me, it works. They don’t call me The ‘Cep for nothing. Also keep in mind, even if you have a lot of time to work other areas after putting in a couple hours on your biceps, don’t overdo it. If you look smaller in other areas it will make your biceps look bigger, sort of like shaving your pubes makes your dong look bigger.

TIP 3: Spotters are for pussies. They make your mind weak. When you know your spotter can help out, you won’t fight as hard. You gotta feel like an antelope running from a goddamn lion, bro. Knowing you’re gonna get seriously injured if you fail is the greatest motivator there is, particularly when you’re maxing out. Asking for a spotter screams newbie, so ditch the training wheels.

TIP 4: Negative self-talk is critical. You want to get crazy huge? Half the battle is in the gym. The other half is in here (I’m pointing to my head). Telling yourself you can’t do it will motivate you to prove yourself wrong. Telling yourself you’re lazy and worthless is an effective way to inspire a worthless piece of shit like you. I like to look at myself in the full body mirror in my bedroom every morning. I just sit there and tell myself I’m a skinny little twig. Try phrases like “Nobody is ever going to love a disgusting piece of shit like you” and “You’re human garbage” and “Worthless weaklings like you don’t deserve to live.” Those are just examples, though. The sky is the limit. This is something you can really spread your creative wings with. Anyway, I keep repeating stuff like that until I actually see myself as skinny and worthless in the mirror. That’s right. Like not just imaginary, bro. You gotta actually see it. That’s when I’m really ready to tear it up in the gym. Keep in mind this ain’t easy. It might take you a couple hours the first go, but in time you’ll find it’s a part of you. When that happens, just looking in the mirror in the gas bathroom will send you into a frenzy of motivation. Don’t half-ass this, though, bro. This step is critical. You need to be positively ashamed to be alive. That’s how you learn to really want it. That’s important. You gotta want it more than anyone else. That’s how champions are made.

TIP 5: Wiping down the machine after use is for pussies. If you’re always using wiped machines you’re never gonna develop the proper immunities for when you go to a real man’s gym. It’s sort of like how you’re only susceptible to Giardia if you never drink river water. The gym is where real men lift solid chunks of iron and troll for booty, not where they play house and clean up after themselves. Fuck that. Leave it dirty. If you don’t like it go to Curves.

TIP 6: Vomiting is an indispensible skill. It’s almost as important as ‘roids in my book. Why? Two reasons. First, it’s a sort of workout speedometer that lets you know you’re working hard enough. That’s key. You gotta know you’re pushing it or how do you know you’re pushing it? If you’re not puking your guts out you can’t really call it a workout. I recommend taking seven or eight servings of a high-caffeine, pre-workout mix like N.O.Xplode or Jack3d to help this along.

Second, if you’re currently taking a break from ‘roids or lost your connection (it happens to the best of us), you’re gonna need a little more help staying thin. Vomiting will help you cut calories. When I’m not juicing, I’ll probably vomit 10 or so meals a week. This is what fitness pros and nutritionists call Intermittent Regurgitation or IR. It speeds up your metabolism and turns your body into a fat burning furnace. Hell, even when I’m on the ‘roids I’ll still vomit a few days a week to make my abs really pop.

One last point: patience and practice. Vomiting is both a skill and an art. It’ll take some time to get good at it and you’re never gonna be perfect. You’ll probably have to jam a finger down there for awhile, but as your esophagus and stomach become more limber you’ll be able to do it on command, hands free. That’s when the real gains start, bro.

TIP 7: Warming up is for pussies. ‘Nuff said.

TIP 8: If you’re going for your one rep max, start at your max weight. This goes along with the last tip. Seems like common sense, I know, but I constantly have to correct people on this. They all add weight progressively like they see in the fitness maggies written pussy marketing execs with microscopic biceps. If you want to lift as much weight as possible you cannot waste half your strength building up to your max weight. Just be a man and fucking go for it cold, bro. Cold muscles are tighter, which makes you stronger. Don’t believe me? Which rubber band snaps harder, a tight one or a loose one?

TIP 9: Get a little drunk before maxing out. Remember earlier when I said half the battle is in here (I’m pointing to my head)? Well, when I’m going for a one rep max, half the bottle is going to be in here (I’m pointing to my stomach). Fear is your greatest foe when it comes to pulling off beastly lifts, bro. Alcohol lets you cut through that motherfucker like Valyrian steel through a Stark neck. It takes that whiny little voice in your head saying “I can’t” and beats him into a bloody pussy pulp. For max gains you gotta be pretty drunk, though, so I recommend vodka. It’s the most athletic of the hard liquors. Pure and clear like water. How do you think those Russian weightlifters won so many gold medals?

TIP 10: Weight clips are for pussies. If you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen.

TIP 11: Chicks love a guy who checks himself out in the mirror. Make sure to wear the most revealing shirt the gym will allow (this tip applies to chicks, too, lol) and flex away. I’d go shirtless if it wasn’t for the Nazi behind the desk at Gold’s.

TIP 12: Chicks at the gym want you to stare at them. They may act like they don’t, bro, but that’s just a shit test. Don’t look away. Don’t apologize. Just keep staring. They love it. I mean, they’re there to work on their bodies so men will find them more attractive. Are you not a man? They aren’t wearing skin-tight shorts that look like they were painted on their asses and sports bras that pinch together their chest meat like two ripe melons to pick up the kids at soccer, are they? They’re doing it for men. Men like you. You don’t get a much clearer invitation than that. If they didn’t like it they’d go to Curves.

TIP 13: Drink as little water as possible. Being dehydrated helps your abs pop and builds mental toughness. Frank Herbert knew it. I know it. Now you know it. Trust me bro, you don’t want to see some tight little shorty watching you curl and then realize you have a temporary water gut from chugging a gallon of river water on the way over. Drink vodka or drink nothing.

Todd Brock is a fitness consultant, motivational speaker and mixed martial artist living with his dog Bulldozer in Jersey City, New Jersey. He gives frequent lectures on the topic of “being a real man and not a pussy in this wussified society of ours” at his local Gold’s Gym.

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12 Skills Every Man Should Know

  1. How to fight dirty. Remember the three D’s: dirt in the eyes, dick punches, and deals. Nothing disables an opponent like hurling something in their eyes and delivering a swift blow to the junk. If these fail, though, stay calm. Just bring out your trump card: the deal. The deal consists of the three S’s: sobbing, saying sorry and sucking up. Start with the waterworks and move on to a tearful plea for forgiveness. Getting on your knees and putting your hands together in prayer is highly recommended. Hopefully, at this point, they’ll be too disgusted to even want to fight and will just walk away. If that doesn’t work, though, make the deal. Offer straight cash or other assets in exchange for dispensing with the ass kicking. Once a deal is struck and they start walking away, then you run up and administer a kick to the balls. If you gave them money, take it back at this point and run like hell.
  2. How to make a proper Tom Collins. Forget martinis or craft whiskey or whatever other bullshit is popular. The most timeless drink of all time is a good, old-fashioned Tom Collins. I mean, who doesn’t love a nice, frosty TC? It’s known as the Bulgaria of cocktails and for good reason. I usually fill up a coffee pitcher and take it out to the apartment pool to watch the co-eds from the nearby community college tanning themselves.
  3. How to get a pity lay. This sometimes comes in handy with the co-eds from the nearby community college. Here are the three C’s of getting a pity lay: cancer, cancer, and cancer. Cancer is the perfect disease for the pity lay. It’s deadly, painful and, most importantly, not contagious. Even better, everyone knows it’s not contagious, so they don’t have to take your word for it. You’d be amazed how many people in this day and age still think they can get hepatitis just shaking my hand. Anyways, remember to use tact. How you drop the C-bomb can be the difference between disgust and lust. PRO TIP: Shave your head to make it look like you just went through chemo. Then, moan loudly and say “Oh god, these anti-cancer drugs.”
  4. How to make a deceptive Match.com profile. Rule one: use an actual photo of yourself. Rule two: Photoshop the hell out of it. I could write a whole article about Photoshopping your Match profile, so I’ll just say this: you want to make your biceps fucking massive. Women love big ass biceps. I’m talking the kind that look like you stuffed a melon under your skin. If a woman doesn’t think you can get ‘roids, she’s not going to think you can get her, either. Also, give yourself a sweet set of abs and some long Fabio hair. When they meet you can just say you cut your hair and they’re not going to see your abs (at least until lay-ter, lol!!!). They might be a little disappointed when they meet you, but they’re already there and will probably be too hungry to turn down a “free” meal regardless of what you really look like. Just as a side note, spend wisely. If dinner goes well and you think you’re gonna get laid, be a man and pay for dinner and shit. If she’s some feminist, Tumblrina bitch who doesn’t want to fuck you, tell her you’re going to the bathroom and then just leave. Let her get stuck with the bill. How’s that for equality?
  5. How to stuff your pants. Women love a huge dong. No doubt about it. Unfortunately, not all of us are as well-endowed as we could be. Good news, though: it doesn’t really matter. Just as long as you give off the appearance of having a big wang they’ll want to fuck you. By the time you two are naked and she discovers the deception, it’ll be too far along and she’ll probably just go through with it anyway. The key to stuffing your pants is not to let whatever you stuff with fall out. I combat the falling out by sewing a wad of socks into all my underwear.
  6. How to dick someone over for a promotion. It’s called capitalism. I say if you don’t like it, go to China. There are countless ways to do this. Really, I could write a book on the subject. For my money and time, though, take a page from politics and run a smear campaign. Classic methods include Photoshopping your competition into porn and sending it to HR, spreading salacious rumors, connecting them to racist literature, or just good old-fashioned physical violence.
  7. How to safely slash your ex’s tires. Tire slashin’ can be dangerous. Those big rubber donuts are under a lot of pressure since they’re holding up a few thousand pounds of solid steel. The best way is to first let the air out of the tires by taking the cap off the valve and poking the little needle inside with a pen or something. Make sure you hear a hiss. If you’re not that pissed you can stop there, but if you really want to let them know you’re swinging some hardcore stones, take a knife and stab them tires like you’re in a prison cafeteria.
  8. How to key your ex’s car to make it count. The key here (no pun intended, lol!!!) is not to use a key at all. Using keys to key cars is a common misconception perpetuated by Big Hardware. It will leave minor scratches at best. Your ex will go have them buffed out or maybe even use one those infomercial scratch pens and think it’s no big deal. She ain’t getting off that easy, bro. My recommendation is to get some coarse sandpaper and a battery-operated hand sander and spell out “Fuck You, Bitch!” on the side of the car. It does a lot of paint damage. Plus, it sends a message. You wanna make ‘em think, right? Don’t forget the comma neither. She might be confused otherwise.
  9. How to put sugar in the tank of your ex’s car. This is harder than you might think. Most cars have little metal pressure flaps you gotta push aside, which is difficult when you’re trying to pour a five pound bag of cane sugar. My tip: jam a funnel in there. It’ll hold the flap aside and make pouring easier. If you’re on the go I’ve heard inserting sugar cubes one at a time by pushing them through the flap is also pretty easy, if a little time consuming.
  10. How to skip out on child support and/or alimony. Bitches and brats will suck you dry if given half the chance. It’s a well known fact that our Family Courts screw men (which is why I’m a Men’s Rights Activist). What they never tell you is, if your ex is a total bitch, you have a Constitutional right to even the score by evading payment on your court-ordered obligations. Trust me, I know. I’ve been to court dozens of times, and I’m an avid listener of a legal call-in show on AM radio. Exercising your rights is easier said than done, of course, but it starts with concealing your assets. I use what’s known to legal scholars as the “bury it in the woods” maneuver, originally perfected by Wesley Snipes. Remember: cash is king. Turn your checking and savings accounts into cash. If you have a retirement account, cash that motherfucker out. Take all of that and bury it in the woods. Next, sell your car and buy a total piece. Bury the excess cash in the woods. Go live in a hotel for awhile and pay cash every night. This may seem excessive, but you’ve got to reduce the size of the target. I would also suggest faking your death and changing your identity (see below). Once those things are done you can “withdraw” your cash from the woods and start living like a normal fucking human being again.
  11. How to change your identity. People die in this country every day and leave a perfectly useable identity behind. Hell, half the registered voters in Louisiana have been dead for a decade or more. Don’t feel bad. They’d be happy to know that someone is helping to preserve the family name.
  12. How to fake your own death. This is easier if you’re already using someone else’s identity, but killing your original persona isn’t as hard as Hollywood would have you believe. There are as many ways to fake your own death as there are stars in the sky, so I won’t get into detail. All I will say is that that beauty of faking your own death is that you can just keep trying until someone buys it. Once one person or organization buys it, everyone else will probably buy it, too. Goodbye credit cards, student loans, child support payments, vehicular manslaughter restitution and thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of overdue library books.

Cooking Tips I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

A common listicle I encounter in my internet travels is the advice from an old person to a young person theme. It’s usually called “Stuff I wish I knew when I was younger” or something to that effect. While these articles are all well and good, they’re typically quite general, giving basic, common sense life advice like “Texans are, without exception, horrible human beings.” This is fine. I enjoy these articles no matter how many times I read about the importance of giving back, or avoiding credit card debt, or whatever. That said, I like my advice as specific and tailored as possible. That’s why, starting today, I’m creating a series of stuff-I-wish-I-knew articles. This may end up being the first part in a one part series or I may do a ton. We’ll see.

In any case, I want to start with a topic near and dear to my heart: the noble art of cooking. My cooking education has been, for the most, part unguided and picked up from just cooking whatever recipes I’ve come across. I’m not really that old and not really qualified to teach any cooking classes, but I do know enough to point amateurs like myself in the right direction. I cook from scratch about four nights per week and have done so for years, so I would at least call myself a veteran home cook. In any case, take this advice for what you will.

  1. Less is More, Particularly When It Comes to Spices

Keep it simple. I would say this is the single most common mistake beginners make and the critical difference between novices and intermediates. When I was younger, I used to think that the more flavorings I added the better the flavor would be, sort of like Texans think the more tires your pickup truck has the better the man you are. This method ravaged my spice rack on a weekly basis. This was the first and only time in my life I actually had to replace a bottle of coriander. And yet, like so many duely-drivin’ who can’t understand how they spend $500 a month on gas, I could never understand why my recipes never turned out well. Did it need another tablespoon of coriander? Perhaps my tarragon to dill ratio was off? Or maybe I just needed to add an 1/8 cup dash of Mrs. Dash to even it out? Turns out it was none of the the above actually. What it needed, every single time without fail, was less of everything but a few high quality ingredients that work well together.

How do you know what goes together well? Experience. Practically speaking, what you should do is make the same or similar recipes many times, adding or changing just one ingredient to see the effect every ingredient has. Unless you’re operating off a recipe, don’t add a flavor if you don’t understand its effect. It’s not enough simply to have smelled the herb or read about it. You need to have experimented with it personally. I have discovered many flavorings I never knew I liked this way. Adding too much stuff is like trying to operate a computer by pressing all the buttons. Press each one individually and figure out what they actually do. Once you understand them, then you’ll understand which ones go together, and your cooking will improve exponentially. You can speed up this process by making several small portions of something you cooked up, adding one new ingredient to each portion and then tasting each one individually. Just make sure to clear your palette between each one (i.e. rinse your mouth with some water) to make sure one sample’s flavor doesn’t bleed into the next.

Keep in mind that most of the best recipes out there are actually pretty simple. The pitfall most people make is ruining them through poor execution, poor ingredients, or adding a bunch of dumb stuff the recipe didn’t call for. Resist the urge! The only spice in my favorite stir fry is ginger. My favorite salsa is spiced only with cumin. My favorite vegetable soup only has parsley and coriander, and honestly would be fine without both of them. If something isn’t good before you add the spices, chances are it’s not going to be after you add the spices.

  1. Fresh Herbs are Way Better

Speaking of spices, I can’t stress enough how big of a difference freshness makes. Freshness is important with practically everything, but it’s doubly so with herbs. This is something I failed to appreciate for years, always using the freeze dried crap in my spice rack because it was a cheaper and easier to get. As a general rule, l will only use the spice rack if fresh are unavailable at the grocery store, or if I’m making something unplanned and won’t be going to the grocery. The difference fresh makes really depends on which herb we’re talking about as some dry better than others. There are some things I won’t even use unless they’re fresh, though, e.g. basil. Fortunately, basil is probably the most available fresh herb at grocery stores. An example of something that doesn’t make as big of difference would be thyme, a plant that’s half dried out already when it’s still alive. Rosemary is also okay from a bottle. If you’re really serious about cooking, though, I’d recommend growing your own herbs. I live in an apartment and still manage to have a dozen different herbs growing on my porch during the summer.

  1. Make Reductions

Oh how I love reductions. Nothing makes you trick people into thinking you know what you’re doing like a nice, thick reduction poured over a well-cooked piece of meat. I discovered the beauty of reductions when I first made steak au poivre (French for pepper steak). To make it, coat a steak in peppercorns, cook it in a pan, then deglaze the pan with brandy, reduce said brandy, add cream and dump over the steak. The flavor is astonishing. There are several reasons it works, but the biggest is the concentrated flavor of the brandy reduction. For those who don’t know, making a reduction just means you boil the water out of a liquid. It can be done with anything, but is often done with alcoholic beverages. Examples of good things to make a reduction with are brandy, wine, balsamic vinegar, and soy sauce. I’ve made them with many other things though, and usually a combination of multiple things. I recently made a pork chop reduction by mixing Madeira wine with balsamic vinegar. It tasted like love. The beauty of the reduction is that they’re almost always good. Really, they just range from mere goodness to spine-melting deliciousness. It doesn’t need to be for sauce either. I typically add a red wine reduction to my vegetable beef soup. Just check out some recipes, experiment and see what happens.

  1. Balance

Having balanced flavors is the hallmark of a good recipe. With the steak au poivre I mentioned above, one of the things that make it so damn good is that the sweet creaminess of the brandy cream reduction is magnificently balanced out by the bitter spice of the coat of black peppercorns. If something is too acidic, add a little sugar or cream. For example, when I make balsamic vinegar reductions the result is often a little too acidic. Adding a couple tablespoons of heavy cream does wonders for the flavor. Likewise, if something is too rich or sweet, add a little lemon juice to give it some acidity.

So there you have it. Four tips that will serve you well in your culinary life. Enjoy.